We don’t think of ourselves as using bullying behavior, but how often do we exhibit relational bullying behavior?
What kind of a role model for handling conflict and difficult emotions are we for the kids in our lives?
It’s easy to be kind when everything is going good, but how do we treat people when we are frustrated, mad and irritated with their “wrong” behavior.
Relational Bullying Includes:
- Gossiping
- Ignoring
- Blaming and criticizing
- Getting others to side with us against someone
- Giving the silent treatment
- Humiliating and shaming someone behind their back
RELATIONAL BULLYING is often used as a way to PUNISH someone for their behavior.
Is it justified?
Jared told me about his “horrible” boss who frequently criticized and berated him and others in front of an entire group of people.
His boss talked to him like he was a five year old who had just done something terribly wrong, and made him want to crawl underneath a table.
It was difficult for Jared to be kind to his boss. He found himself bad mouthing his boss with every opportunity he had and to whomever would listen. He would describe in detail everything his boss had said and done, trying to get everyone to gang up on and dislike his boss.
It’s easy to be demeaning to people who mistreat us. After all, they DESERVE it, right?
Yet, we are now seeing this type of bullying behavior more and more in children and teens and it’s not healthy for relationships.
What behaviors can we change that would benefit us and help us be a better role model for others?
It’s easy for anyone to be nice to someone they feel good about.
Here are 5 tips to be kind when you don’t feel like being kind.
1. HAVE COMPASSION
Whatever the other person has or is going through in their life has caused them to be the person they are and to act the way they do. They are a human being struggling to get through life with all their insecurities, fears and problems just like we are. Everyone is fighting their own battle. They still deserve kindness.
2. Assertively tell the other person how you feel.
Keep it short and simple.
Jared could calmly and respectfully talk to his boss in private and tell him: “I didn’t appreciate it when you spoke disrespectfully to me like that in front of my co-workers. Next time I would prefer you to take me aside and let me know in a calmer and more respectful tone what you feel I did wrong.”
3. Don’t over think the situation.
After you’ve confronted someone about their behavior, you need to accept that you can choose and control your response but you can’t control their behavior. Don’t overanalyze your behavior or theirs–Thinking about the situation too much can create problems that aren’t there.
4. Limit the number of times you tell the story.
As humans, we tend to add colorful details and exaggerate the situation each time we repeat the story. This is like adding fuel to a fire and can cause more harm in the future . It also makes the situation and the person out to be more evil than they really are. Talk to one person for emotional support but stick to the objective facts without building up or enhancing the story.
5. Never get down to their level.
If you lower yourself in the way you react, then you are no different than they are. Be the absolute opposite of rude to them. Smile and be kind. Spread positive vibes; don’t waste precious energy on negative ones. Someone has to create positive ones to overcome the negative. This is something you do for your own self-respect. Always behave in a way that you can be proud of.
When we focus on kindness, our world becomes kinder; we become kinder. Kindness leads us to a happier life.
10 Reasons to be KIND even when you feel they don’t deserve it.
- Kindness makes you feel good.
- Kindness increases your empathy and compassion for others.
- Kindness makes people feel happy.
- Kindness helps people feel respected, valued, and connected to you.
- Kindness makes people want to be around us.
- Kindness increases our mental and physical health.
- Kindness has a ripple effect in the world.
- Kindness breeds tolerance and understanding.
- Kindness influences kids to be kind.
- Kindness is a gift you give both to yourself and others.
Fay. This is great. Really really great! I’m sharing it on my personal page and my Funnermother page right now! We all THINK we know what bullying is, but this list is the proto-bullying behavior that we can all watch for — in others and ourselves! Great post!
Thanks Angela!! I’m so glad you feel it’s a helpful blog! Appreciate you sharing it!! I always think that we as adults need to work on our behaviors so we are good role models for kids. LIke the quote says: “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Love the list about kindness, there can never be too much kindness in the world! Also, it is so true that when we lower ourselves down to the level or pettyness and meaness, it sort of negates the power of telling how rotten someone else is, doesn’t it? But somehow we never think about that, it’s always look at how rotten THEY are!
You are so right, Wendi. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. We end up doing some of the same things yet at the same time are condemning others for doing it. We tend to notice what other people do and say but are ignorant and blind to some of our own actions and words.
I was working in my father’s tax office one year when a client came in for her appointment. She was absolutely HORRIBLE to myself and the receptionist both when she made the appointment and when she came in. Just beyond awful!
I told my dad about her behavior and asked him to fire her as a client; she wasn’t the type of energy we needed. He brought her into his office and told her respectfully, but in no uncertain terms, that she was NOT permitted to treat himself or his staff that way.
Turns out, she had cancer and had been spreading her fear and pain to everyone she encountered. (Be compassionate, you don’t know what they’re going through.)
The client left the office. Her friend, who had driven her, thanked my dad for calling her out on her horrible, awful, mean, nasty behavior. About twenty minutes later, the client was back. She apologized for her rudeness and said that she needed somebody to stop making excuses for her behavior (assertively tell them it’s not okay).
To this day, the change has stuck. She’s still a client and now makes an effort to be kind to everyone she meets.
(The friend said that the talk went to heart and she’s nice to EVERYONE not just the tax office staff!)
Thanks for sharing this story Kimberly!! It’s a perfect example of handling this type of situation in a way that is beneficial! We often don’t have the courage to call people out on their behavior, but your Dad certainly helped change this women’s life by doing just that! I really appreciate you taking time to share that story!
‘Limit the number of times we tell the story’!! So true! The more we tell the story, the more we obsess about the situation and it only serves to entrench our position. As much as we might think we are ‘right’, we can’t release the situation by getting stuck and must remain open to seeing all perspectives to have empathy and understanding. These situations are also a great red flag to our values and knowing when there have been a values clash that is not personal at all.
Thanks for the comment Aly! Whatever we focus on grows, so you’re so right. The more we tell the story, the more we obsess about it! I like your comment, “it’s a values clash, not something personal.” Learning to not take things personal is a challenge, but such a huge weight off of us!
That’s a great list of 10 reasons to be kind even when you feel they don’t deserve it. If the world read that list every morning, what a world this would be!
I also love your hint on spreading positive vibes and not wasting precious energy on the negative stuff.
Thanks for commenting Elizabeth. You’re right–it would be good to put that list up where we would read it every morning before we begin our day. It would increase our consciousness about being kind! Sometimes, we forget. Spreading positive vibes is so important because the negative doesn’t serve us in advancing our happiness, peace and success in life! There will always be negative but focusing on it isn’t productive.
This is a great list! One many people NEED to read … being kind is overrated to many I think … but it can make a big difference to someone who may need it!