What is confirmation bias?
It’s seeing what you expect to see!
Rather than looking objectively at the big picture, you tend to just look for things that support what you believe to be true versus possibly seeing and finding information that conflicts with what you believe to be true.
Let’s look at how this can affect your relationships!
Dan is always “crabby” and “negative”……
You are always looking for times when Dan is crabby or negative to confirm your biased opinion that he is crabby and negative.
You ignore the times he is happy and positive because that would conflict with what you believe.
Sally never picks up after herself.
You always look for the times Sally leaves things lay around and confirm to yourself–“there she goes again.”
You completely miss the times Sally puts things away as that would conflict with your existing belief.
Joe never shares his thoughts and feelings.
You continually focus on the times he does this–“there he goes again” and skim right over the times he does open up, communicate and share his feelings.
Patty never completes things on time.
Again, we look for those instances that confirm our bias and we can completely miss all the things Patti does accomplish.
We look for proof that our opinions are true and we actvely ignore or discredit information that contradicts our beliefs.
We see what we want to see.
What does confirmation bias have to do with relationships?
Everything!
What stories are you telling yourself about the people you are in a relationship with?
You may not even be aware of the fact that you continually seek out information that confirms your story and you ignore information that doesn’t align with it.
You may believe that you have a wonderful, happy relationship and you are always looking for situations that prove this to be true.
BUT
Confirmation bias often works the other way.
If you’ve concluded that the other person is awful, you will begin to mount the evidence to prove your belief is true, and you’ll completely ignore all the contradictory evidence.
If you believe you don’t love your partner anymore, you will continually look for evidence that proves and supports your belief.
One episode builds on the other and over days and months you’ve totally convinced yourself that it’s true. You may have ignored all the instances that would have proved otherwise and now you have yourself totally believing something because of “confirmation bias.”
We See What We Believe
How Can We Stop Confirmation Bias from Hurting Our Relationships?
1. Be OPEN to a new perspective. Observe people in interactions or circumstances and try to see them with fresh eyes.
2. Strive to ADMIT and RECOGNIZE that you have confirmation bias in your relationships and you will be more likely to recognize its influence.
3. Look for and ACTIVELY SEEK out information and situations that contradict your bias.
If you feel like someone is always negative, actively see out and look for times that they are positive.
If you feel like someone is inconsiderate, actively seek out and look for the times they are considerate.
When you change what you look for, you will change what you find.
