Do you have Unmet Childhood Needs?

Just like we need food and water for our physical existence, we need love, acceptance and connection for our mental and emotional health.  When we were young, we depended on our caregivers for this unconditional love.

Yet, many of us didn’t get all of the things we needed to progress emotionally.  When there are vital things missing from the parenting we received, we tend to – sometimes without even knowing it – look to our romantic partners to make up for these losses.

Relying on your partner to make up for what you emotionally missed as a child can be damaging and undermining to relationships.

Example

Jed was so disappointed with his wife. They both finally had a Saturday night home and he was looking forward to spending it together. Yet, she barely even talked to him all evening as she was busy on her computer.

“It really upset me, and I felt neglected and unimportant to her.”

When asked, “Did you tell her you wanted to spend time with her?”

“No,” he answered. “We both had the night off, so it should have been obvious.  If she wanted to spend time with me then she would have.  She obviously didn’t want to.”

Jed had an expectation that wasn’t necessarily realistic, namely that his wife would know what he wanted without him telling her.

Frequently while growing up, Jed felt neglected and unimportant and his wife’s behavior triggered those childhood feelings.

There was still a little boy inside of Jed that was searching for someone who would come in and make everything better.  He often looked for his wife to do this and when she didn’t, he blamed her for his feelings of emptiness and loneliness.

Ask yourself:

• What are my expectations in my relationship?

Do you have a younger child in you that expects your partner to meet your needs?

Ask yourself:

• If I’m upset, do I feel it’s my partner’s role to make things better for me? 
• If my partner is upset, is it my job to fix things for them? 

It’s understandable to have unmet needs and look to others to give us what we missed in our early lives. The problem is no one can ever really do that for us.

Only by letting go of these patterns of unrealistic expectations can you meet and accept your partner as he or she really is.