Five Mindsets to Instantly Improve your Marriage or Significant Relationship

1. Accept that you won’t find the “Perfect Partner”

If you were to divorce your spouse, interview two hundred “replacement” candidates, put them through a battery of psychological tests, have follow-up interviews conducted by your closest friends, spend three years dating the most compatible ones, and then spent several months making sure you made the right choice, you’d still end up with a spouse who disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you, and stumbles in many ways.

Your new spouse might frustrate, upset and disappoint you in different ways, but they will frustrate and disappoint you.

That’s the reality of relationships.  Your spouse is an imperfect human being!  Just like you.

When you accept this, instead of focusing on their flaws and imperfections, you can realize that it’s normal.

Negativity in your relationship is inevitable.

2. Accept the “Reality of Marriage”

Have you ever thought or said, “I have a very difficult marriage…” “I think I married the wrong person…..” “I don’t know if I can keep putting up with this……”

The reality is that every marriage is difficult.   We’re not marrying gods and goddesses! We’re marrying totally imperfect human beings.  How can that possibly be easy?

Once I accept that marriage is difficult, I won’t be as resentful when my marriage is difficult.

Unrealistic expectations (like comparing our marriage to the one in the movies) causes disappointment. Sometimes you look at other couples and think “why can’t we be like that…..” You don’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Most honest people wouldn’t say that marriage is “easy.”

Even though it can be really hard, the key is to hang in there, forgive each other, focus on solutions, improve your attitude and relationship skills, learn to persist when the going is tough.

3. Accept that you may need to “Upgrade your Thinking”

The Bible Verse from Philippians 4:8…has some really good and helpful advice.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

We all tend to dismiss our own faults while magnifying the flaws of our spouse.

We think, but you don’t understand, my spouse really is awful and wrong in the way they are.

Judging our spouses and thinking we’re “better than them” is sure to build resentment in our relationship.  Counting their failures and the errors of their way will not help draw us closer or lead to positive feelings.

Obsessing over your spouse’s weaknesses won’t make them go away. People do that for years and it doesn’t get them anywhere.

Regularly thinking negatively about your spouse’s weaknesses increases your dissatisfaction with them and your marriage; yet, it’s a natural human tendency.

Yes, those weaknesses are there. It may seem contradictory but when you focus on their qualities that you DO appreciate, you have a better chance of them improving on their weaknesses.  (it’s true!)

We all have weaknesses, we all have bad days.  We can be thoughtful, caring and attentive one day, and so aloof, harsh, and critical the next day. You have to give your spouse room to be a less-than-perfect human, to have bad days, and “off days.”

The challenge is that we are more likely to hang on to the memory of the “bad” and “off” days. Negativity is like Velcro, it sticks and Positivity is like Teflon, it slides right off.

Judgements, resentments, criticism and negativity creates the 3 D’s–distance, disconnection and damage.

We do much better when we focus on how we can improve ourselves.  After all, how can we be so judgmental of them when we have so many faults of our own? We should focus more on noticing and improving our own imperfections.

Accept that choosing to overdose on appreciation may be necessary

Find five or six things your spouse does really well—or even just one or two!—and try to overdose on focusing on your appreciation for them.

A true Story

One morning I awoke early and immediately sensed my frustration from the previous evening. We have an issue in our relationship that we had talked to death over the previous two decades. Lisa acknowledged her need to grow in this area, but events of the previous weeks had convinced me that nothing had changed.

I felt resentful, and in my resentful mood, I can slip into what I call “brain suck.” I start building my case. Like a lawyer, I recall every slight, every conversation, and prove to my imaginary jury how wrong my wife is and how right I am.

So, I tried this ‘overdosing on appreciation’ trick.

I started consistently thinking of the qualities in Lisa’s personality for which I feel very thankful. That reminded me of something else, which reminded me of something else, which reminded me of yet another quality. After about fifteen minutes, I literally started to feel completely different towards her.  I saw so much to be thankful for that it seemed preposterous that I should waste time fretting over this single issue.

I highly suggest making use of this powerful tool. We have to give it time—one session of thankfulness will not fully soften a rock-hard heart. But over time, thankfulness makes a steady and persistent friend of affection.

4. Accept that you need to take control of your mind

Your mind will want to remind you where your partner falls short, and it will try to stir up the fire of resentment and anger.  You can count on it.

You’ll find yourself growing resentful: “Why should I appreciate that my husband works hard when he comes home and won’t even talk to me at night?” “Why should I be appreciative that my wife is such a good mother when she’s so critical of me?”

When this starts to happen, start to think about your own weaknesses that you need to work on.  Respond to temptations to judge them by thinking about the areas in your own life that you need to work on.  Take the focus off of them and put the focus on how you can work on improving yourself.

5. We’re All in This Together as Imperfect Humans

Every one of us has an imperfect partner.

We confront different trials, different temptations, and different struggles—but each one of us faces the same reality: living as imperfect people, in an imperfect world, with an imperfect spouse.

Learning to love, appreciate, and to be thankful for that imperfect spouse is one of the most transforming things you can do for your relationship.

It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a PROFITABLE one long-term.

Disclaimer

I feel a need to put this disclaimer in.  I do believe there are situations that happen in marriages, like abuse and addictions where this advice may not apply.  It’s important to do what you need to do in order to stay safe too. 

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Fay Prairie is a counselor, personal life coach and speaker specializing in personal development, relationships and empowering mindsets. She helps set you free from stress and negativity so you can start creating a Better You…Better Relationships…Better Life…

Fay also provides workshops and trainings.  Check out her speaking page by  Clicking Here

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personalized Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!   (e-mail fay@fayprairie.com or call 507-829-0181)