THOUGHTS MATTER!!!!

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Yesterday, in my work with a client, we’ll call her Stephanie, she stated—

“I know I shouldn’t think that way but I can’t help it.”

“I know those thoughts make me feel really crappy.”

“They make me feel so overwhelmed.”

“I know they’re negative.”

“I know they’re not helping me.”

“I just don’t know how to make them go away.” “Nothing I do works.” 

First, HUGE KUDDOS to her because she’s getting really good at the first three steps in the ART of CPR which is AWARENESS, RECOGNIZING and TAKING TIME TO ANALYZE.

She’s becoming AWARE of her feelings.

She’s RECOGNIZING how her thoughts are leading to her feelings.

She’s TAKING TIME to ANALYZE her thoughts versus just letting them run on autopilot.

With the average person having up to 60-80,000 thoughts a day running around in their head, how many do you think we’re really taking time to recognize and analyze?

Our thoughts are happening unconsciously 24/7 at lightning speed.

We’re not even AWARE of most of them yet they are RUNNING OUR LIFE!! 

Ninety percent of the thoughts you thought yesterday, you will think again today because your thoughts become habits just like anything else in life. 

The SAME THOUGHTS will keep getting you the SAME FEELINGS and the SAME RESULTS.

Stephanie is really fed up with some things in her life and she definitely wants DIFFERENT RESULTS so she’s taking this ‘thought’ thing pretty serious.

Yesterday, Stephanie and I worked on the C (in ART of CPR) which is CHOOSING TO DEFUSE

Everyone has the capability to do this!

DEFUSION is distancing from and letting go of unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories.

It’s like being an OBSERVER—you notice the thoughts and feelings but you don’t get caught up in them.

You can use this for anxiety, upsets, worries or any uncomfortable feelings you may experience.

It’s like a muscle, the more you use it, the more you strengthen your skill and ability to use it.

If you’re having worrisome thoughts, defusion skills can help you let the thoughts come and go like passing cars instead of getting trapped in them (ruminating & catastrophizing would be examples of getting trapped in them)

In fusion we are ‘caught up in’ and ‘preoccupied’ with our thoughts.

They feel domineering, like they have all the power in the world to make us feel angry, upset, hurt, worried or anxious.

Defusing allows us to step back and observe those thoughts without getting caught up in them. We start to see that our thoughts as just streams of words, sounds, pictures going through our mind.

They are just thoughts.

Why do we want to do this?

Your life, your relationships, your confidence, your happiness all improve when you can start to control your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.

In psychology there are hundreds of ways to help you diffuse from your thoughts.

Here’s a really easy one that I use all the time and it’s really helped me.

Pick an area of your life that you know you have negative, judgmental thoughts. 

I’ll use the example of self-judgment as I know most people beat themselves up a lot and it makes them feel ‘crappy’ …….

You could also use negativity towards others as we sure do that a lot too. (we’re human judging machines—they shouldn’t be that way!! It’s wrong!!)

You can pick any thought that makes you feel overwhelmed with emotion.

First, put your negative self-judgment into a short sentence….

For example, ‘I’m messed up’ or ‘I’m inadequate’ or ‘I just can’t do it’ or ‘I’ll never figure it out.’

Fuse with this thought for 10 seconds – get caught up in it, give it your full attention and believe it as much as you possibly can.

Now, put this phrase in front of it: ‘I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I’m having the thought that I just can’t do it.

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m messed up’

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m inadequate’

Now replay it one more time, but this time add this phrase ‘I notice I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a loser’.

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I just can’t handle it’

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I’ll never figure it out.’

The more you practice this exercise, the better you will get at separating from your thoughts. (deffusing)

The more you are able to deffuse from them, the less control they will have over your life. 

In my life coaching program, I’ll work with you personally to identify and recognize those thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck where you don’t want to be so you can switch them out for the thoughts and feelings that will get you to where you want to be! 

Send me an email fay@fayprairie.com telling me you’d like to set up a FREE consultation to discover how personal coaching can help you and I’ll reach out to set up a date and time

Have you BEATEN yourself up lately?

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That’s a rhetorical question.

I should ask–How often have you beaten yourself up?

Most of us are our own worst critic. 

I can’t tell you how many times I hear people beating themselves up, not to mention the times I catch myself doing it.

Like with writing this blog–I’m not consistent.  

So I beat myself up about it. You’re so inconsistent. What’s wrong with you!!! Get it together!!     

Most of us were taught that you should have compassion for others, but were you ever taught that you need to have compassion for yourself first?

The truth is, we often bash ourselves for not being “good enough” and think self-criticism will help us get better.  . 

But research has found that self-criticism, beating yourself up, makes things worse. There’s actually nothing motivating about criticizing yourself.  It makes you feel negative about yourself and it can lead to low self-confidence, anxiety and depression.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is a powerful way to move out of the rut or challenge you are experiencing.  Once you soften towards yourself, you can move forward with a higher level of confidence.

What is self-compassion?

It’s being warm, kind and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than attacking ourselves with self-criticism.

When you are compassionate to yourself, you realize that being imperfect, failing, and having difficulties in your life is inevitable.  You are gentle with yourself.

5 Strategies to increase Self-Compassion

 1. Consider how you’d treat someone else. Imagine what you’d do if someone you cared about came to you after failing or getting rejected. What would you say to that person? How would you treat them?

2. Watch your language. You may be so used to criticizing yourself that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it. Pay attention to the words you use to speak to yourself. If you wouldn’t say the same statements to someone you care about, then don’t say it to yourself.

3. Memorize a set of compassionate phrases. Whenever you find yourself saying, “It’s horrible,” or “I’m horrible.”  it makes you feel worse.  Try some of the following phrases instead.

  • No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes at one time or another.
  • Everyone has times of difficulties in their life.  It’s normal for life to have its ups and downs and I’m not immune from that.
  • It’s ok and I’m ok—I’ll just try to do better next time.
  • Not everybody gets along with everybody.  

4. Acknowledge and accept all of your feelings, whatever they are – anger, sadness, fear, resentment, envy. Once you accept and allow them, they will move on. 

5. Give yourself the compassion you crave from others.   As you begin to feel your OWN self-compassion, you will realize how much energy you’ve put into trying to get compassion on the outside and how no matter how much of that you’ve received from someone else, it’s never been enough. 

Here’s to being more loving and kind to yourself!!

It’s a BIGGER DEAL than most realize!!

Practice these 5 steps and see how much better you feel!!

Another benefit is that the higher your level of self-compassion, the easier compassion flows for others too, which can benefit all of your relationships. 

If you’d like to discover how personal life coaching can help you or if you’re looking for a speaker or trainer for a workshop or event, reach out at fay@fayprairie.com or 507-829-0181 and we can set up a time to visit.

Increase your EQ when you’re upset! (Part 1)

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12338902 - a very frustrated and angry woman screaming. isolated on white.

When someone really upsets you, it’s all too easy to get overwhelmed by strong, uncomfortable feelings.

But losing control of your emotions makes responding effectively to the situation almost impossible.

Here are five strategies (look for another five in next weeks blog) to practice using when you’re feeling helplessly stressed, angry and frustrated so you don’t say or do something your regret later.

ONE

BREATHE-AND RELAX

Your whole body tightens up and your breathing speeds up when you’re upset. So as soon as you’re aware that something negative is strongly resonating within you, take several slow, deep breaths-while repeating to yourself the word “calm” or “relax”.

Slowing down your heart rate, your pulse—getting more oxygen to your muscles and organs will help lower your stress level. It will also slow down the intensity of your emotion.

Whatever you can do to relax yourself when something is deeply disturbing will help you to regain self-control. (visualize a tranquil scene such as lying on a beach while the sun shines on your body, smelling the ocean air and hearing the sound of the pleasant rhythmic waves.)

Two

IDENTIFY AND CHALLENGE THE THOUGHTS UNDERLYING YOUR UPSET.

Typically, what causes you to emotionally overreact are the exaggerated and distorted thoughts you start to believe. (the labels you put on the situation or person)

What thoughts and labels are you using that are intensifying your emotions?

Unthoughtful, stupid, dumb, ignorant, she/he’s a user, cold, miserable, uncaring, bitch, unfair, etc. Obviously these types of thoughts will intensify your stress and anger.

Ask yourself–Can I force myself [and you may really need to force yourself!] to find some positive traits in them that would help me regard them in a more favorable light-and mitigate my animosity toward them?

As tough as this is, the more you do it, the easier it will become. You will eventually find that listing any and every good thing you can think of about them (or the situation) will help to lower your frustration.

Three:

SUSPEND YOUR POINT OF VIEW-TRY TO SEE IT THROUGH THEIR EYES.

Again, when you’re upset, this can be challenging! But if you make the effort to identify with another’s viewpoint-and particularly their needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings-your upset feelings are likely to diminish.

Can you get yourself to be less self-righteous, less self-centered? Look at the bigger picture. Try to understand how they are seeing it and what their perception is.

It can alter your thinking in ways that will soften your distressed feelings.

Four:

BECOME MORE MINDFUL.

Be like a helicopter hovering over yourself and just observe yourself. What are you feeling? Where are you feeling it? (sore head, tense shoulders, tightness in stomach, clenched fist)
Be curious, notice it, watch it-don’t judge it. Just gain awareness of the feeling.
Also, be mindful of the thoughts you’re thinking. Just notice and acknowledge them.


This awareness and observation actually helps you to accept and feel the feeling which allows you to calm yourself.

The sad consequence of getting entangled in your emotions is that your best judgment is no longer available.
It’s offline, so your ability to respond wisely to whatever set you off is seriously compromised.

Remind yourself that, regardless of the strength of your feeling-or maybe because of its strength!-you don’t need to act on it.

Five:

DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY BY THE FEELING.

We all know feelings can take over you in an instant if you let them.
The moment you’re conscious of how strong, or upsetting, your emotional reaction is, do a reality check.

Might you be overreacting because-unconsciously-what just happened reminded you of something earlier (maybe much, much earlier) that’s still negatively charged for you?


If so, bring yourself back to the here-and-now and reassess the situation as (in all probability) being less fearful, inflammatory, or hopeless than it initially seemed.


You’ll cope much better in the present if you can prevent past sensitivities from undermining your more mature, rational judgment.

Start practicing these first five strategies now and look for strategies 6-10 next week.

The Thanksgiving Special

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The Thanksgiving Special

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. 

Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a “minor” automobile accident stole her joy. 

This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. 

She grieved over their loss.

Troubles had multiplied. Her husband’s company “threatened” to transfer his job to a new location. 

Her sister had called to say that she could not come on her long awaited holiday visit. 

What’s worse, Sandra’s friend suggested that Sandra’s grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

“Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” 

“For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child’s?”

“Good afternoon, can I help you?” Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk.

“I…. I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving?”  Sandra nodded.  Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the ‘Thanksgiving Special’?  

I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. 

“Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.” Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, “Hi, Barbara… let me get your order.” She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. 

The lady commented, “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again.” She said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, “That lady just left with, uh…. she left with no flowers!”

“That’s right, said the clerk. “I cut off the flowers. That’s the ‘Special’. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on! You can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk. “For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.”

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, “WHY? WHY Me?!” It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort! 

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is, I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry.”

Just then someone else walked in the shop. “Hey, Phil!” the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. “My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement… twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?”

“No… I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but we trudged through problem after problem. 

We rescued our marriage. Jenny (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from “thorny” times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks for what that problem taught us.” 

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life.” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too… fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?”

Do you curse the thorns or celebrate the roses?

If you focus on thorns, you will see more and more of the thorny problems that are all around you. Your focus will make them seem larger than they actually are, and more frequent than they actually are. 

You will also find ways to turn non-thorns into thorns, in your mind’s eye.

That doesn’t mean thorns don’t exist if you focus on the roses, but you are less likely to become obsessed with the presence of thorns everywhere if you aren’t focused on them. 

However, obsessing on the roses may cause you to be a little less cautious among the thorns.

Author Unknown