Category Archives: Self-Talk

THOUGHTS MATTER!!!!

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Yesterday, in my work with a client, we’ll call her Stephanie, she stated—

“I know I shouldn’t think that way but I can’t help it.”

“I know those thoughts make me feel really crappy.”

“They make me feel so overwhelmed.”

“I know they’re negative.”

“I know they’re not helping me.”

“I just don’t know how to make them go away.” “Nothing I do works.” 

First, HUGE KUDDOS to her because she’s getting really good at the first three steps in the ART of CPR which is AWARENESS, RECOGNIZING and TAKING TIME TO ANALYZE.

She’s becoming AWARE of her feelings.

She’s RECOGNIZING how her thoughts are leading to her feelings.

She’s TAKING TIME to ANALYZE her thoughts versus just letting them run on autopilot.

With the average person having up to 60-80,000 thoughts a day running around in their head, how many do you think we’re really taking time to recognize and analyze?

Our thoughts are happening unconsciously 24/7 at lightning speed.

We’re not even AWARE of most of them yet they are RUNNING OUR LIFE!! 

Ninety percent of the thoughts you thought yesterday, you will think again today because your thoughts become habits just like anything else in life. 

The SAME THOUGHTS will keep getting you the SAME FEELINGS and the SAME RESULTS.

Stephanie is really fed up with some things in her life and she definitely wants DIFFERENT RESULTS so she’s taking this ‘thought’ thing pretty serious.

Yesterday, Stephanie and I worked on the C (in ART of CPR) which is CHOOSING TO DEFUSE. 

Everyone has the capability to do this!

DEFUSION is distancing from and letting go of unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories.

It’s like being an OBSERVER—you notice the thoughts and feelings but you don’t get caught up in them.

You can use this for anxiety, upsets, worries or any uncomfortable feelings you may experience.

It’s like a muscle, the more you use it, the more you strengthen your skill and ability to use it.

If you’re having worrisome thoughts, defusion skills can help you let the thoughts come and go like passing cars instead of getting trapped in them (ruminating & catastrophizing would be examples of getting trapped in them)

In fusion we are ‘caught up in’ and ‘preoccupied’ with our thoughts.

They feel domineering, like they have all the power in the world to make us feel angry, upset, hurt, worried or anxious.

Defusing allows us to step back and observe those thoughts without getting caught up in them. We start to see that our thoughts as just streams of words, sounds, pictures going through our mind.

They are just thoughts.

Why do we want to do this?

Your life, your relationships, your confidence, your happiness all improve when you can start to control your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.

In psychology there are hundreds of ways to help you diffuse from your thoughts.

Here’s a really easy one that I use all the time and it’s really helped me.

Pick an area of your life that you know you have negative, judgmental thoughts. 

I’ll use the example of self-judgment as I know most people beat themselves up a lot and it makes them feel ‘crappy’ …….

You could also use negativity towards others as we sure do that a lot too. (we’re human judging machines—they shouldn’t be that way!! It’s wrong!!)

You can pick any thought that makes you feel overwhelmed with emotion.

First, put your negative self-judgment into a short sentence….

For example, ‘I’m messed up’ or ‘I’m inadequate’ or ‘I just can’t do it’ or ‘I’ll never figure it out.’

Fuse with this thought for 10 seconds – get caught up in it, give it your full attention and believe it as much as you possibly can.

Now, put this phrase in front of it: ‘I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I’m having the thought that I just can’t do it.

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m messed up’

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m inadequate’

Now replay it one more time, but this time add this phrase ‘I notice I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a loser’.

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I just can’t handle it’

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I’ll never figure it out.’

The more you practice this exercise, the better you will get at separating from your thoughts. (deffusing)

The more you are able to deffuse from them, the less control they will have over your life. 

In my life coaching program, I’ll work with you personally to identify and recognize those thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck where you don’t want to be so you can switch them out for the thoughts and feelings that will get you to where you want to be! 

Send me an email fay@fayprairie.com telling me you’d like to set up a FREE consultation to discover how personal coaching can help you and I’ll reach out to set up a date and time

Increase your EQ when you’re upset! (Part 1)

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12338902 - a very frustrated and angry woman screaming. isolated on white.

When someone really upsets you, it’s all too easy to get overwhelmed by strong, uncomfortable feelings.

But losing control of your emotions makes responding effectively to the situation almost impossible.

Here are five strategies (look for another five in next weeks blog) to practice using when you’re feeling helplessly stressed, angry and frustrated so you don’t say or do something your regret later.

ONE

BREATHE-AND RELAX

Your whole body tightens up and your breathing speeds up when you’re upset. So as soon as you’re aware that something negative is strongly resonating within you, take several slow, deep breaths-while repeating to yourself the word “calm” or “relax”.

Slowing down your heart rate, your pulse—getting more oxygen to your muscles and organs will help lower your stress level. It will also slow down the intensity of your emotion.

Whatever you can do to relax yourself when something is deeply disturbing will help you to regain self-control. (visualize a tranquil scene such as lying on a beach while the sun shines on your body, smelling the ocean air and hearing the sound of the pleasant rhythmic waves.)

Two

IDENTIFY AND CHALLENGE THE THOUGHTS UNDERLYING YOUR UPSET.

Typically, what causes you to emotionally overreact are the exaggerated and distorted thoughts you start to believe. (the labels you put on the situation or person)

What thoughts and labels are you using that are intensifying your emotions?

Unthoughtful, stupid, dumb, ignorant, she/he’s a user, cold, miserable, uncaring, bitch, unfair, etc. Obviously these types of thoughts will intensify your stress and anger.

Ask yourself–Can I force myself [and you may really need to force yourself!] to find some positive traits in them that would help me regard them in a more favorable light-and mitigate my animosity toward them?

As tough as this is, the more you do it, the easier it will become. You will eventually find that listing any and every good thing you can think of about them (or the situation) will help to lower your frustration.

Three:

SUSPEND YOUR POINT OF VIEW-TRY TO SEE IT THROUGH THEIR EYES.

Again, when you’re upset, this can be challenging! But if you make the effort to identify with another’s viewpoint-and particularly their needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings-your upset feelings are likely to diminish.

Can you get yourself to be less self-righteous, less self-centered? Look at the bigger picture. Try to understand how they are seeing it and what their perception is.

It can alter your thinking in ways that will soften your distressed feelings.

Four:

BECOME MORE MINDFUL.

Be like a helicopter hovering over yourself and just observe yourself. What are you feeling? Where are you feeling it? (sore head, tense shoulders, tightness in stomach, clenched fist)
Be curious, notice it, watch it-don’t judge it. Just gain awareness of the feeling.
Also, be mindful of the thoughts you’re thinking. Just notice and acknowledge them.


This awareness and observation actually helps you to accept and feel the feeling which allows you to calm yourself.

The sad consequence of getting entangled in your emotions is that your best judgment is no longer available.
It’s offline, so your ability to respond wisely to whatever set you off is seriously compromised.

Remind yourself that, regardless of the strength of your feeling-or maybe because of its strength!-you don’t need to act on it.

Five:

DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY BY THE FEELING.

We all know feelings can take over you in an instant if you let them.
The moment you’re conscious of how strong, or upsetting, your emotional reaction is, do a reality check.

Might you be overreacting because-unconsciously-what just happened reminded you of something earlier (maybe much, much earlier) that’s still negatively charged for you?


If so, bring yourself back to the here-and-now and reassess the situation as (in all probability) being less fearful, inflammatory, or hopeless than it initially seemed.


You’ll cope much better in the present if you can prevent past sensitivities from undermining your more mature, rational judgment.

Start practicing these first five strategies now and look for strategies 6-10 next week.

THE KEY TO CHANGING YOUR LIFE, IS TO BECOME AWARE OF YOUR THOUGHTS.

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thoughtsIf you are looking to change your life in any way, the way to start is by becoming aware of your thoughts.

OUR THOUGHTS HOLD THE POWER

TO CHANGE OUR LIVES

There was a point in my life where I KNEW I NEEDED TO FIND SOME STRENGTH FROM SOMEWHERE…..

So, I found myself on that path of self exploration. I was so incredibly desperate for a change that I submerged myself into reading, studying, exploring, trying to find anything to give me hope! Something to recreate my happiness! 

I read just about everything in sight & am so grateful that I did!

Each & every day that I read new articles, books, etc., I started discovering so many amazing tools & I began to implement them into my daily life, which started the entire process of change within me!

ONE OF THE MANY & MOST AMAZING GIFTS FROM THIS EXPERIENCE WAS THE DISCOVERY OF BECOMING AWARE OF MY THOUGHTS!

I will never forget reading that first book about the power that our thoughts hold. It was so incredibly enlightening!

THAT SAYING, “CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE” will forever stick with me.

Your thoughts–The way you interpret, judge and label a person, situation or event determines how you feel.

We are all constantly labeling and interpreting things as good, bad, right, or wrong.

You have been conditioned by things that happened in your childhood and by your family, friends, teachers and the media to think and interpret events in certain ways.

These thoughts have become habitual and pop into your mind, often without being noticed. They are often believed without being questioned or challenged and they give personal meaning to all the situations and people you encounter.

If we were to observe, and take time to objectively analyze and review our thoughts we would realize that some of them are unrealistic and exaggerated. Some of them are even toxic.

Thoughts can go by undetected in a millisecond. 

“I can’t stand it.” 

Or a half-second image of a terrifying event flies through your mind.

Maybe you interpret the actions of another—

“She’s bored.”  “She’s irritated with me.” “He’s putting me down.”

Or you may think,

“I can’t handle this again,” “It will never get better,” “Nothing works for me.”

 Some thoughts add more stress to already stressful situations.

 

Then there’s the self-judgmental thoughts:

“ I handled that like such an idiot,” “Why did I say that,” “I should have known better”

Our internal storylines—how we think—can make even the most challenging times feel far, far worse than they actually are.

Our mental thought habits often skew our

perspective in negative ways.

Do these thought exercises:

  • Reflect on a past decision that went well and one that wasn’t your finest.
  • Picture an ideal future for you and one that worries you.
  • Focus on what makes you most proud about yourself and then what you least like.

For each pair, what holds your attention longer?

For most of us, the negative one has far more power.

If ten things go perfectly one day but you feel you screwed up one interaction, which hangs around that evening?

This hard-wired negative bias takes effort to manage.

We are taught from a very young age that nutritious foods are good for our body

What we are often not taught is how our body is deeply impacted by our thoughts.

…..Thoughts either support you or they don’t.

…..Some can be helpful and effective.

…..Others can be limiting, negative, and harmful.

…..A lot of thoughts can be just mental noise, nothing important.

To know which ones are beneficial and which ones aren’t, we have to first be AWARE of them.

Mindfulness helps us to OBSERVE and RECOGNIZE our thoughts.

The clearer you see and recognize your thoughts, the more you realize that choosing some of them over others benefits you significantly.

TRY TO BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR THOUGHTS FOR A SINGLE DAY. 

From sunup to sundown, become an observer of the self-talk and thoughts that are going through your mind.

Don’t judge your thoughts but just observe them.

Notice when you have negative, judgmental or self-critical thoughts.

SELF MONITORING or being the OBSERVER of your own thoughts is one of the simplest and most powerful cognitive-behavioral tools to change a negative thought pattern.

You can’t change something that you aren’t even aware of.

Our thoughts have tremendous power if we believe them.

The process of noticing them will help you immensely in becoming more aware and less reactive to negative thoughts that drain your energy and limit your growth.

I can honestly say that becoming aware of my thoughts has been one of the absolute best skills I’ve ever learned.  It’s helped me in countless ways in my life.

When you become aware of your thoughts, you can actively start to filter them. Awareness allows you to stop and decide if you want to believe this thought or not.

AWARENESS GIVES YOU A CHOICE

If you’d like help to recognize and change your thought patterns, reach out to Fay to set up a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute phone call to see how personal life coaching can benefit you.

Is this stealing your energy and joy?

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comparison is the thief of joy“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt

We all do it right? Compare ourselves to other people … assuming they have it all under CONTROL:

  • The family
  • The job or amazing business
  • A great figure and dress sense
  • Intelligent and articulate
  • Great hair and nails

We all have a tendency to compare ourselves to others and the sad part is that our comparisons are usually unfair, biased and usually make us “less than” or sometimes “better than”….

Comparing Yourself to Others can be destructive!

1.Comparison belittles our own achievements

When we compare we take away from what we have achieved. It often makes us feel like we’ll NEVER be good enough. There will always be someone who makes more money, drives a better car, lives in a nicer, newer house, is more organized, and seems happier.

2. Comparison steals your energy

Negative feelings often result when you compare and that drains your energy.

Comparison can go ON and ON

It starts with the small things, how they dress compared to you, how confident they come across, how outgoing and talkative they are, the way they parent and ends with your feeling really low about yourself.

3.Comparisons are often based on      what you perceive and NOT the truth

You DO NOT know what is happening in people’s lives behind closed doors. Facebook, for example is a show reel and people select the highlights to share.  People often wear a mask in public, so you may be comparing to something that isn’t even “reality.”

4. Comparison does not give us happiness and pleasure. It is a losing game.

What positive emotions come from comparison? If you feel other people are further ahead … you’ll feel down. If you feel they are behind you, you’ll feel pity and sorry for them.

5. Comparison is based on FEELING not TRUTH

What is the metric in comparing salary, happiness, house size, car and holiday destinations … it’s not comparing apples and apples. One person’s dream house is another’s nightmare. It does not serve ANYONE to compare.

Not only can comparisons steal our joy, but they can really destroy our confidence and belief in ourselves.

Only COMPARE you to you.   … STRIVE to be A LITTLE BIT better each day

for yourself and for the ones’ you love.

Celebrate each small step forward that you make into who you want to be.

Only look to others to find the things you’d like to work on and improve.  Don’t compare yourselves to them.

You are wonderful and exactly who you are suppose to be!!