THOUGHTS MATTER!!!!

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Yesterday, in my work with a client, we’ll call her Stephanie, she stated—

“I know I shouldn’t think that way but I can’t help it.”

“I know those thoughts make me feel really crappy.”

“They make me feel so overwhelmed.”

“I know they’re negative.”

“I know they’re not helping me.”

“I just don’t know how to make them go away.” “Nothing I do works.” 

First, HUGE KUDDOS to her because she’s getting really good at the first three steps in the ART of CPR which is AWARENESS, RECOGNIZING and TAKING TIME TO ANALYZE.

She’s becoming AWARE of her feelings.

She’s RECOGNIZING how her thoughts are leading to her feelings.

She’s TAKING TIME to ANALYZE her thoughts versus just letting them run on autopilot.

With the average person having up to 60-80,000 thoughts a day running around in their head, how many do you think we’re really taking time to recognize and analyze?

Our thoughts are happening unconsciously 24/7 at lightning speed.

We’re not even AWARE of most of them yet they are RUNNING OUR LIFE!! 

Ninety percent of the thoughts you thought yesterday, you will think again today because your thoughts become habits just like anything else in life. 

The SAME THOUGHTS will keep getting you the SAME FEELINGS and the SAME RESULTS.

Stephanie is really fed up with some things in her life and she definitely wants DIFFERENT RESULTS so she’s taking this ‘thought’ thing pretty serious.

Yesterday, Stephanie and I worked on the C (in ART of CPR) which is CHOOSING TO DEFUSE

Everyone has the capability to do this!

DEFUSION is distancing from and letting go of unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories.

It’s like being an OBSERVER—you notice the thoughts and feelings but you don’t get caught up in them.

You can use this for anxiety, upsets, worries or any uncomfortable feelings you may experience.

It’s like a muscle, the more you use it, the more you strengthen your skill and ability to use it.

If you’re having worrisome thoughts, defusion skills can help you let the thoughts come and go like passing cars instead of getting trapped in them (ruminating & catastrophizing would be examples of getting trapped in them)

In fusion we are ‘caught up in’ and ‘preoccupied’ with our thoughts.

They feel domineering, like they have all the power in the world to make us feel angry, upset, hurt, worried or anxious.

Defusing allows us to step back and observe those thoughts without getting caught up in them. We start to see that our thoughts as just streams of words, sounds, pictures going through our mind.

They are just thoughts.

Why do we want to do this?

Your life, your relationships, your confidence, your happiness all improve when you can start to control your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.

In psychology there are hundreds of ways to help you diffuse from your thoughts.

Here’s a really easy one that I use all the time and it’s really helped me.

Pick an area of your life that you know you have negative, judgmental thoughts. 

I’ll use the example of self-judgment as I know most people beat themselves up a lot and it makes them feel ‘crappy’ …….

You could also use negativity towards others as we sure do that a lot too. (we’re human judging machines—they shouldn’t be that way!! It’s wrong!!)

You can pick any thought that makes you feel overwhelmed with emotion.

First, put your negative self-judgment into a short sentence….

For example, ‘I’m messed up’ or ‘I’m inadequate’ or ‘I just can’t do it’ or ‘I’ll never figure it out.’

Fuse with this thought for 10 seconds – get caught up in it, give it your full attention and believe it as much as you possibly can.

Now, put this phrase in front of it: ‘I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I’m having the thought that I just can’t do it.

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m messed up’

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m inadequate’

Now replay it one more time, but this time add this phrase ‘I notice I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a loser’.

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I just can’t handle it’

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I’ll never figure it out.’

The more you practice this exercise, the better you will get at separating from your thoughts. (deffusing)

The more you are able to deffuse from them, the less control they will have over your life. 

In my life coaching program, I’ll work with you personally to identify and recognize those thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck where you don’t want to be so you can switch them out for the thoughts and feelings that will get you to where you want to be! 

Send me an email fay@fayprairie.com telling me you’d like to set up a FREE consultation to discover how personal coaching can help you and I’ll reach out to set up a date and time

Increase your EQ when you’re upset! (Part 1)

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12338902 - a very frustrated and angry woman screaming. isolated on white.

When someone really upsets you, it’s all too easy to get overwhelmed by strong, uncomfortable feelings.

But losing control of your emotions makes responding effectively to the situation almost impossible.

Here are five strategies (look for another five in next weeks blog) to practice using when you’re feeling helplessly stressed, angry and frustrated so you don’t say or do something your regret later.

ONE

BREATHE-AND RELAX

Your whole body tightens up and your breathing speeds up when you’re upset. So as soon as you’re aware that something negative is strongly resonating within you, take several slow, deep breaths-while repeating to yourself the word “calm” or “relax”.

Slowing down your heart rate, your pulse—getting more oxygen to your muscles and organs will help lower your stress level. It will also slow down the intensity of your emotion.

Whatever you can do to relax yourself when something is deeply disturbing will help you to regain self-control. (visualize a tranquil scene such as lying on a beach while the sun shines on your body, smelling the ocean air and hearing the sound of the pleasant rhythmic waves.)

Two

IDENTIFY AND CHALLENGE THE THOUGHTS UNDERLYING YOUR UPSET.

Typically, what causes you to emotionally overreact are the exaggerated and distorted thoughts you start to believe. (the labels you put on the situation or person)

What thoughts and labels are you using that are intensifying your emotions?

Unthoughtful, stupid, dumb, ignorant, she/he’s a user, cold, miserable, uncaring, bitch, unfair, etc. Obviously these types of thoughts will intensify your stress and anger.

Ask yourself–Can I force myself [and you may really need to force yourself!] to find some positive traits in them that would help me regard them in a more favorable light-and mitigate my animosity toward them?

As tough as this is, the more you do it, the easier it will become. You will eventually find that listing any and every good thing you can think of about them (or the situation) will help to lower your frustration.

Three:

SUSPEND YOUR POINT OF VIEW-TRY TO SEE IT THROUGH THEIR EYES.

Again, when you’re upset, this can be challenging! But if you make the effort to identify with another’s viewpoint-and particularly their needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings-your upset feelings are likely to diminish.

Can you get yourself to be less self-righteous, less self-centered? Look at the bigger picture. Try to understand how they are seeing it and what their perception is.

It can alter your thinking in ways that will soften your distressed feelings.

Four:

BECOME MORE MINDFUL.

Be like a helicopter hovering over yourself and just observe yourself. What are you feeling? Where are you feeling it? (sore head, tense shoulders, tightness in stomach, clenched fist)
Be curious, notice it, watch it-don’t judge it. Just gain awareness of the feeling.
Also, be mindful of the thoughts you’re thinking. Just notice and acknowledge them.


This awareness and observation actually helps you to accept and feel the feeling which allows you to calm yourself.

The sad consequence of getting entangled in your emotions is that your best judgment is no longer available.
It’s offline, so your ability to respond wisely to whatever set you off is seriously compromised.

Remind yourself that, regardless of the strength of your feeling-or maybe because of its strength!-you don’t need to act on it.

Five:

DON’T GET CARRIED AWAY BY THE FEELING.

We all know feelings can take over you in an instant if you let them.
The moment you’re conscious of how strong, or upsetting, your emotional reaction is, do a reality check.

Might you be overreacting because-unconsciously-what just happened reminded you of something earlier (maybe much, much earlier) that’s still negatively charged for you?


If so, bring yourself back to the here-and-now and reassess the situation as (in all probability) being less fearful, inflammatory, or hopeless than it initially seemed.


You’ll cope much better in the present if you can prevent past sensitivities from undermining your more mature, rational judgment.

Start practicing these first five strategies now and look for strategies 6-10 next week.

The Thanksgiving Special

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The Thanksgiving Special

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. 

Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a “minor” automobile accident stole her joy. 

This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. 

She grieved over their loss.

Troubles had multiplied. Her husband’s company “threatened” to transfer his job to a new location. 

Her sister had called to say that she could not come on her long awaited holiday visit. 

What’s worse, Sandra’s friend suggested that Sandra’s grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

“Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” 

“For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child’s?”

“Good afternoon, can I help you?” Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk.

“I…. I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving?”  Sandra nodded.  Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the ‘Thanksgiving Special’?  

I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. 

“Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.” Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, “Hi, Barbara… let me get your order.” She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. 

The lady commented, “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again.” She said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, “That lady just left with, uh…. she left with no flowers!”

“That’s right, said the clerk. “I cut off the flowers. That’s the ‘Special’. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on! You can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk. “For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.”

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, “WHY? WHY Me?!” It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort! 

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is, I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry.”

Just then someone else walked in the shop. “Hey, Phil!” the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. “My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement… twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?”

“No… I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but we trudged through problem after problem. 

We rescued our marriage. Jenny (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from “thorny” times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks for what that problem taught us.” 

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life.” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too… fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?”

Do you curse the thorns or celebrate the roses?

If you focus on thorns, you will see more and more of the thorny problems that are all around you. Your focus will make them seem larger than they actually are, and more frequent than they actually are. 

You will also find ways to turn non-thorns into thorns, in your mind’s eye.

That doesn’t mean thorns don’t exist if you focus on the roses, but you are less likely to become obsessed with the presence of thorns everywhere if you aren’t focused on them. 

However, obsessing on the roses may cause you to be a little less cautious among the thorns.

Author Unknown

THE KEY TO CHANGING YOUR LIFE, IS TO BECOME AWARE OF YOUR THOUGHTS.

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thoughtsIf you are looking to change your life in any way, the way to start is by becoming aware of your thoughts.

OUR THOUGHTS HOLD THE POWER

TO CHANGE OUR LIVES

There was a point in my life where I KNEW I NEEDED TO FIND SOME STRENGTH FROM SOMEWHERE…..

So, I found myself on that path of self exploration. I was so incredibly desperate for a change that I submerged myself into reading, studying, exploring, trying to find anything to give me hope! Something to recreate my happiness! 

I read just about everything in sight & am so grateful that I did!

Each & every day that I read new articles, books, etc., I started discovering so many amazing tools & I began to implement them into my daily life, which started the entire process of change within me!

ONE OF THE MANY & MOST AMAZING GIFTS FROM THIS EXPERIENCE WAS THE DISCOVERY OF BECOMING AWARE OF MY THOUGHTS!

I will never forget reading that first book about the power that our thoughts hold. It was so incredibly enlightening!

THAT SAYING, “CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE” will forever stick with me.

Your thoughts–The way you interpret, judge and label a person, situation or event determines how you feel.

We are all constantly labeling and interpreting things as good, bad, right, or wrong.

You have been conditioned by things that happened in your childhood and by your family, friends, teachers and the media to think and interpret events in certain ways.

These thoughts have become habitual and pop into your mind, often without being noticed. They are often believed without being questioned or challenged and they give personal meaning to all the situations and people you encounter.

If we were to observe, and take time to objectively analyze and review our thoughts we would realize that some of them are unrealistic and exaggerated. Some of them are even toxic.

Thoughts can go by undetected in a millisecond. 

“I can’t stand it.” 

Or a half-second image of a terrifying event flies through your mind.

Maybe you interpret the actions of another—

“She’s bored.”  “She’s irritated with me.” “He’s putting me down.”

Or you may think,

“I can’t handle this again,” “It will never get better,” “Nothing works for me.”

 Some thoughts add more stress to already stressful situations.

 

Then there’s the self-judgmental thoughts:

“ I handled that like such an idiot,” “Why did I say that,” “I should have known better”

Our internal storylines—how we think—can make even the most challenging times feel far, far worse than they actually are.

Our mental thought habits often skew our

perspective in negative ways.

Do these thought exercises:

  • Reflect on a past decision that went well and one that wasn’t your finest.
  • Picture an ideal future for you and one that worries you.
  • Focus on what makes you most proud about yourself and then what you least like.

For each pair, what holds your attention longer?

For most of us, the negative one has far more power.

If ten things go perfectly one day but you feel you screwed up one interaction, which hangs around that evening?

This hard-wired negative bias takes effort to manage.

We are taught from a very young age that nutritious foods are good for our body

What we are often not taught is how our body is deeply impacted by our thoughts.

…..Thoughts either support you or they don’t.

…..Some can be helpful and effective.

…..Others can be limiting, negative, and harmful.

…..A lot of thoughts can be just mental noise, nothing important.

To know which ones are beneficial and which ones aren’t, we have to first be AWARE of them.

Mindfulness helps us to OBSERVE and RECOGNIZE our thoughts.

The clearer you see and recognize your thoughts, the more you realize that choosing some of them over others benefits you significantly.

TRY TO BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR THOUGHTS FOR A SINGLE DAY. 

From sunup to sundown, become an observer of the self-talk and thoughts that are going through your mind.

Don’t judge your thoughts but just observe them.

Notice when you have negative, judgmental or self-critical thoughts.

SELF MONITORING or being the OBSERVER of your own thoughts is one of the simplest and most powerful cognitive-behavioral tools to change a negative thought pattern.

You can’t change something that you aren’t even aware of.

Our thoughts have tremendous power if we believe them.

The process of noticing them will help you immensely in becoming more aware and less reactive to negative thoughts that drain your energy and limit your growth.

I can honestly say that becoming aware of my thoughts has been one of the absolute best skills I’ve ever learned.  It’s helped me in countless ways in my life.

When you become aware of your thoughts, you can actively start to filter them. Awareness allows you to stop and decide if you want to believe this thought or not.

AWARENESS GIVES YOU A CHOICE

If you’d like help to recognize and change your thought patterns, reach out to Fay to set up a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute phone call to see how personal life coaching can benefit you.