Category Archives: Relationships

THOUGHTS MATTER!!!!

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Yesterday, in my work with a client, we’ll call her Stephanie, she stated—

“I know I shouldn’t think that way but I can’t help it.”

“I know those thoughts make me feel really crappy.”

“They make me feel so overwhelmed.”

“I know they’re negative.”

“I know they’re not helping me.”

“I just don’t know how to make them go away.” “Nothing I do works.” 

First, HUGE KUDDOS to her because she’s getting really good at the first three steps in the ART of CPR which is AWARENESS, RECOGNIZING and TAKING TIME TO ANALYZE.

She’s becoming AWARE of her feelings.

She’s RECOGNIZING how her thoughts are leading to her feelings.

She’s TAKING TIME to ANALYZE her thoughts versus just letting them run on autopilot.

With the average person having up to 60-80,000 thoughts a day running around in their head, how many do you think we’re really taking time to recognize and analyze?

Our thoughts are happening unconsciously 24/7 at lightning speed.

We’re not even AWARE of most of them yet they are RUNNING OUR LIFE!! 

Ninety percent of the thoughts you thought yesterday, you will think again today because your thoughts become habits just like anything else in life. 

The SAME THOUGHTS will keep getting you the SAME FEELINGS and the SAME RESULTS.

Stephanie is really fed up with some things in her life and she definitely wants DIFFERENT RESULTS so she’s taking this ‘thought’ thing pretty serious.

Yesterday, Stephanie and I worked on the C (in ART of CPR) which is CHOOSING TO DEFUSE. 

Everyone has the capability to do this!

DEFUSION is distancing from and letting go of unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories.

It’s like being an OBSERVER—you notice the thoughts and feelings but you don’t get caught up in them.

You can use this for anxiety, upsets, worries or any uncomfortable feelings you may experience.

It’s like a muscle, the more you use it, the more you strengthen your skill and ability to use it.

If you’re having worrisome thoughts, defusion skills can help you let the thoughts come and go like passing cars instead of getting trapped in them (ruminating & catastrophizing would be examples of getting trapped in them)

In fusion we are ‘caught up in’ and ‘preoccupied’ with our thoughts.

They feel domineering, like they have all the power in the world to make us feel angry, upset, hurt, worried or anxious.

Defusing allows us to step back and observe those thoughts without getting caught up in them. We start to see that our thoughts as just streams of words, sounds, pictures going through our mind.

They are just thoughts.

Why do we want to do this?

Your life, your relationships, your confidence, your happiness all improve when you can start to control your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.

In psychology there are hundreds of ways to help you diffuse from your thoughts.

Here’s a really easy one that I use all the time and it’s really helped me.

Pick an area of your life that you know you have negative, judgmental thoughts. 

I’ll use the example of self-judgment as I know most people beat themselves up a lot and it makes them feel ‘crappy’ …….

You could also use negativity towards others as we sure do that a lot too. (we’re human judging machines—they shouldn’t be that way!! It’s wrong!!)

You can pick any thought that makes you feel overwhelmed with emotion.

First, put your negative self-judgment into a short sentence….

For example, ‘I’m messed up’ or ‘I’m inadequate’ or ‘I just can’t do it’ or ‘I’ll never figure it out.’

Fuse with this thought for 10 seconds – get caught up in it, give it your full attention and believe it as much as you possibly can.

Now, put this phrase in front of it: ‘I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I’m having the thought that I just can’t do it.

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m messed up’

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m inadequate’

Now replay it one more time, but this time add this phrase ‘I notice I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a loser’.

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I just can’t handle it’

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I’ll never figure it out.’

The more you practice this exercise, the better you will get at separating from your thoughts. (deffusing)

The more you are able to deffuse from them, the less control they will have over your life. 

In my life coaching program, I’ll work with you personally to identify and recognize those thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck where you don’t want to be so you can switch them out for the thoughts and feelings that will get you to where you want to be! 

Send me an email fay@fayprairie.com telling me you’d like to set up a FREE consultation to discover how personal coaching can help you and I’ll reach out to set up a date and time

How to Stop Feeling Resentful/Bitter

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Is there someone in your life who really frustrates you and causes you a lot of pain and anguish?

Most of us have someone. 

Is it making you BITTER? or BETTER? 

Often BITTERNESS sets in as GRUDGES and RESENTMENTS pop up automatically.  

But if you don’t take control of BITTERNESS, GRUDGES and RESENTMENTS, they can take on a very NEGATIVE life of their own which ultimately creates a lot of negativity in your life. 

They are like termites eating away at your peace and happiness. 

Everyone ultimately wants to be happy and to have good relationships; yet if you hang onto a grudge, you are increasing your chances of being unhappy and letting that negativity bleed into all of your relationships.

Resentments can lead to anxiety, depression and deep pain that can last for years.  

Here’s 11 Strategies to help you become BETTER instead of BITTER……

#1 Stop Ruminating

Stop replaying the story of what happened over and over in your mind. Each time you repeat it, you are strengthening it in your mind.  The goal is to let it go, not continue to strengthen it.

#2  Stop Beating yourself Up

Stop beating yourself up for what you should have done and how you should have handled it and accept that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. 

#3 Focus on what you can learn.

What can you learn from what you went through? What life lesson is there in it that can help you to make positive changes in yourself and your life that will benefit your future?  Ways you want to be?  Ways you don’t want to be? Changes you will make moving forward? 

 #4  Switch Shoes

Walk a mile in their shoes carrying their baggage.  Use compassion to help you understand what they may have been going through and why they may have acted in the way they did. 

#5 Bite your tongue

Stop saying mean and unfavorable things about them.  Each time you are tempted, tell yourself to STOP and bite your tongue.  Each time you repeat negative, judgmental things about them, it feeds your resentment which in turn feeds your unhappiness.

#6 Positive Mantra

Have a mantra that evokes gratitude and empathy and repeat it often.  Empathy is a muscle and can be developed; It leads to forgiveness, happiness and joy in your life.  

In a study people who repeatedly said “May you be free from suffering” versus a negative statement towards someone who wronged them were able to increase their empathy towards that person. 

 “I’m a strong, forgiving person and I don’t let grudges become a part of me.” “ I release the pain and move forward.”

 #7  Relaxation

Do deep breathing, meditation or a calming activity.  This slows down your heart rate, pulse, and gives more oxygen to your muscles and organs thus calming your body.  When you feel relaxed and calm, you’re less likely to be throwing gasoline on your grudges and resentments. 

#8 Take some responsibility

This doesn’t always pertain but often we have some part to play in what happened.  If your partner said something very hurtful, what responsibility can you take that may have led up to those feelings and words?  Sometimes, if we can see that we played even a small part in the scenes leading up to the event, it can help to diminish our feelings of anger and resentment. 

#9 Do it Different

If you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results. Usually clam up, make sure you talk it out.  Usually yell, remember SWB (slow, warm and brief). Usually say disrespectful things, remember to express your feelings with kind, respectful words. Remember the definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same way yet expect different results. 

#10 Resist Urge

When someone hurts you, it’s so seductive to pay them back with something that you think will hurt them.  You have to consistently remind yourself that you will be hurting yourself more than you are hurting them.  Long term you are the one that will pay. 

Your heart can grow hard and cold if you allow resentments to get the better of it.  It’s not always easy but remind yourself that it will be worth it in the end. 

#11 Accept

We are all imperfect beings. We all make mistakes. We all do things wrong. We all have hurt people at some point. We all have struggles. We all do things we regret. As part of living in this life, we will have hurts and struggles. Accept this and learn to be resilient instead of staying stuck in the hurts you’ve received. Accept them, let them go and use them to help you grow and move forward into a better version of yourself.  You have a choice to be a victim or a victor.

Hey—if you’d like help improving a relationship or just being able to enjoy your life more, reach out and contact me.

I’m a counselor and a personal life coach who can help you strengthen your Emotional Intelligence which is responsible for 80% of your success in life and relationships.  

 E-mail me at fay@fayprairie.com or call me at 507-829-0181 and we can set up a time to visit about how increasing your emotional intelligence may benefit you.

Sh_t Happens!

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Relationships fail.

Health goes downhill.

People do and say imperfect and hurtful things. 

Things going on in the world are scary.

Life doesn’t go as planned. 

Everyone suffers. 

Everyone has been dealt difficult things to deal with at some point in their life. 

How do we ‘get on’ in this world when things are so ‘tough’??

When we feel like we have no control?

Focus on the two most powerful things you DO have control over: 

How you frame the problem 

How you frame the solution.

If you frame the problem as 

  • Insurmountable
  • Hopeless
  • Never Ending
  • Destruction of the world
  • Past the point of no return

If you decide to frame the problem that way, Ask Yourself:

How’s that working out for you?

If you frame the solution as

  • Impossible
  • Out of reach
  • Something you could never do 
  • Something you’re incapable of experiencing
  • A solution that would be too time consuming, so why bother?

If you decide to frame the solution that way—ask yourself—

How’s that working out for you?

There is a better way to frame a problem:

  • Everything is figure-out-able (like this problem). 
  • The tough stuff (this problem) will teach me something important.
  • This (problem) is an opportunity to turn things around.
  • The best gifts come wrapped in the roughest sandpaper. 
  • I get to decide who I want to be (as I navigate this problem), even when all seems lost.
  • A diagnosis is not a death sentence, unless I decide that it is.
  • I will take it one day at a time and move forward through this problem. 

There is also a better way to frame a solution 

  • I break this down into smaller pieces-what’s one small step forward I can take right now?
  • Inch by inch is a cinch, yard by yard it’s hard.
  • I’ll be part of the solution, even if the odds seem like they are against me.
  • Every day, I’ll show up and do what I can and take pride in that. 
  • Someone with worse circumstances than me has made it through this; what were they doing and how can I learn from them? 
  • New medical breakthroughs happen, all of the time. 
  • Even if I can’t totally fix the world’s biggest problems, I’ll keep working on me.
  • Time to think outside the box: what’s a solution I haven’t thought of yet?
  • The more I focus on solutions, the more I will increase my feelings of hopefulness. 
  • Even is progress is slow, when one solution is created, it leads to additional solutions.

What You Have Control Over

When your relationship is failing, you get to choose how you frame the problem and the solution.

When your bank account is zero, you get to choose how you frame the problem and the solution.

When politics and world news seem out of control, you get to choose how you frame the problem and the solution.

When the scary diagnosis comes through, you get to choose how you frame the problem and the solution.

Framing the problem and solution in a way that feels more hopeful, more possible, is a power that you do have.

You won’t be able to control your partner, your cash flow, your political leaders, or the diagnosis. 

Framing problems and solutions powerfully doesn’t give you control.

Framing problems and solutions powerfully is about deciding that even amid shitty circumstances, you will choose to stay ‘hopeful’…

It is a declaration that you are the one in charge of your fate and your destiny.

It is a declaration in which you choose the best possibilities even amid bad circumstances.

This is a simple truth: 

If you frame problems as unsolvable and solutions as unavailable, then that is what you will continue to get, over and over.

What you believe will become your reality.

Stop focusing on all the things that are wrong and how hard it all is.

Choose to frame your problems as figure-out-able, even if you don’t have it figured out. 

Choose to consciously frame the solutions as possible. 

At the end of the day, we only have control over one thing—OURSELVES.

This is truly the place where all of our power resides. 

Life problems will always occur!

It’s how you perceive and react to the problem that determines your success or failure.

What will you choose?

I made a video on the power of being able to CHOOSE.

This is a video from the FREE mini series I offer on my website–the ART of CPR and it’s the C which stands for CHOOSE…. If you want to receive all 6 videos–sign up for the FREE Mini Series.

Are you an AVOIDER??

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Are you guilty 

Of being a CONFLICT AVOIDER??

Why should you be concerned?

Conflict Avoidance is one of the #1 problems in our relationships……

What it looks like

Do you avoid conversations because you don’t want to upset someone? 

You don’t want to rock the boat?

People who dread and avoid conflict often visualize it going ‘terrible’..

They can just feel how uncomfortable it will be. 

It can be ‘scary’ or ‘unnerving’ to have ‘those’ talks.  

You might avoid conversations because you prefer to be seen as the “nice person”, and you’ve been programmed to believe that bringing up ‘uncomfortable’ topics isn’t ‘nice’.

This leads to you to endure and tolerate uncomfortable situations instead of communicating about issues openly.

Why it’s not helpful

When you deliberately sidestep conversations for fear of disappointing others or fear of how they will react, you end up pushing a lot of your feelings deep down inside of you. 

Bottled up emotions can even lead to diseases in your body.  (cancer, heart disease, more colds and flus—mind-body connection)

Ignoring distressing emotions can also lead to feelings of lonliness, disconnection and sadness.  

Not being able to sleep. 

Higher levels of stress/tension/negativity in your life and relationships. 

It might seem like avoidance helps but it causes more harm in the long run. 

Five Strategies to overcome it

#1 Reframe Confrontation

Disagreeing with someone doesn’t necessarily mean “fighting.” Keep in mind that it’s not about blaming the other person or proving who’s right and wrong in a given situation.

It’s about standing up for yourself and communicating when you feel angry or frustrated.

A new reframe is that it’s a CAREFRONTATION versus a CONFRONTATION. 

You CARE–that’s why you are having the conversation. 

#2 Make a plan

Take time to make a plan so you don’t totally regret how and what you said.  

Rehearse concise points you’d like to get across to a boss, co-worker, partner, child, in-law so you’ll be more likely to say productive and useful words versus rambling on and on. 

Clearly define what you’d like to resolve and take time to write down the different ways you could share how you are feeling and thinking. 

#3 Use your senses to quickly relieve stress/tension.

If you feel yourself getting ‘all worked up’ and fear your emotions might start getting the best of you,

Use your senses to pull you back to safety.

Sight—look around in the room and notice the color of paint, the pictures on the wall, or notice the other persons hair, clothes, eyes. 

This really can bring you back to earth.

Hearing-What sounds are in the room?  What does the person’s voice sound like? 

Smell-Is there a smell in the room? 

 (Some people even put on an essential oil previous to the conversation and purposely smell it when they start to feel the tension—it’s their reminder ‘reset’ to calm themselves down)

Touch-touch your clothes, touch the chair.

This helps get you ‘out of your head’ and back into the present moment which helps you to remain relaxed and in control of yourself.

#4 Recognize and manage your feelings

Being aware of how your emotions impact you can help you gain a greater understanding of yourself and others. 

Before carefrontation, try examining and questioning your feelings.

Get curious about your emotions.

 Be a private detective to understand what’s going on. 

Tell yourself:

  • “It’s OK to feel however I’m feeling at this moment — my emotions are valid.”
  • “I am worthy and deserving of being heard.”
  • “Expressing my thoughts and feelings is important.”

#5 Resolve issues in real-time

Rather than procrastinate and endlessly replay the issue in your head, which just allows the uncomfortable feelings to fester more, have the conversation sooner than later. 

You can start by stating the issue non-emotionally and using fact-based sentences like,

“When you said/did___________ 

I automatically felt _________________.

Or the result of what was done is__________________________.

What I’d really like moving forward in the future is____________________.

When to get help

While it can be tempting to bottle up feelings like anger and frustration by not rocking the boat, conflict-avoiding tendencies can take a toll on your mental health.

All that pent up frustration isn’t good for you.

Learning carefrontation skills is definitely a MUST for improving the relationship you have with yourself and others. 

Here’s the link to a facebook live I did that will help you make changes in this area.  Facebook

The bottom line

Conflict is a part of our life. It’s not going away unless you go live in a cave all by yourself. 

And while we might never be completely comfortable with confrontation, (or carefrontation) being able to resolve issues effectively means accepting it as something we do to keep ourselves and our relationships ‘healthy’….

It won’t happen overnight. But you can take small steps each day toward feeling more comfortable facing your fears and communicating your thoughts and feelings. 

Take the first step and Email me at fay@fayprairie.com to set up a FREE consultation so you can learn more about how coaching can help you to have ‘healthy’ and ‘fulfilling’ relationships.