Have you ever said,
“She made me angry!”
or
“He made me feel that way”?

It’s completely their fault!

We all do it – we blame the way we feel on other people.

Then we feel like a powerless victim. After all, if it’s all their fault, then how can we do anything about it?

Eleneor Roosevelt said:

“No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent.”

Maybe it’s true that they can’t make you feel inferior.

But–A lot of people have taken that out of context and say,

“No one can make you feel any way
you don’t want to feel.”

Is it true that no one can make you feel anything?

Some would say it is.

I find that’s a very hard pill to swallow. How can I not be impacted by someone’s words and actions?

You mean it wasn’t him/her that made me feel so hurt?
You mean it wasn’t his/her fault that I felt so upset?

The truth is, other people do trigger emotional responses in us.

We’re not robots.
We’re emotional human beings.

But-by changing our inner voice and expectations we can manage those feelings of hurt, anger or not feeling good enough and not let them take over or get the best of us.

We can minimize the uncomfortable feelings versus intensifying them.

This is good news!

It means you do have some control over how you feel, and you aren’t just totally at the mercy of other people and situations!

You’ll never be perfect at it because we are all emotional, imperfect human beings but you can get WAY, WAY better at it.

Here’s an Example:

You accidentally overhear someone saying less than flattering things about you.

You could think:

“How dare they.”
“I’m not going to let them get away with that.”

Your emotion of anger gets the best of you and you VERBALLY ATTACK the person.

You could think:

“I’m just not good enough.”
“I can’t seem to do anything right.”
“I’ll never be adequate.”

You just WALK AWAY feeling sad, hurt and defeated.

You could think:

“They’re just going through a hard time right now,” or
“They’re just feeling some tough emotions right now.”

You walk away feeling EMPATHY and COMPASSION for them.

You could think:

“It’s more about what they have going on inside of them than it is about me.”

You walk away feeling EMPOWERED by your ability to not take it personal.

The last two options are people who have learned the skill of managing their inner voice.

They have used the power of their mind to their advantage.

They’ve chosen to think thoughts that
align with the emotions they want to feel.

Everyone responds differently depending on what’s going on inside of their mind.

Your thoughts have the ability to impact your emotions.

You do have the power to choose your interpretation or perception
of the situation.

Your expectations or rules also impact your feelings.

“People mustn’t say horrible things behind my back!”
“People must not say negative things about me!”
“People must not say things that might hurt me!”

When your rule gets broken the “or else’s” kick in.

“Or else it’s really bad.”
“Or else, I’ll get really, really mad.”
“Or else I can’t stand it.”
“Or else it means they’re a terrible, terrible person.”
“Or else, I’ll get back at them.”
“Or else, it will be terrible, horrible, awful.”

You also have the ability to change your HOW YOU THINK about your rules.

• “It would be nice if people didn’t say negative things about me.”
• “I don’t like it but I can tolerate it.”
• “I can choose to not react with anger about this.”
• “It’s irrational to think that people won’t ever say anything negative about me.”
• “I can’t control what other people do.”
• “There’s no law that says people must only say good things about me.”
• “In fact, it’s much more likely that they will. That’s life.”

Changing your inner voice and your rules is a vital skill to learn!

It benefits everyone!
Then people and situations won’t send you into an emotional tailspin that feels quite awful.

You’ll be more resilient which makes life so, so much easier!!

So decide today that you’re going to start taking responsibility for choosing how you feel versus having an automatic emotional reaction.

It’s not always easy but with practice and persistence, you can develop the skill of not being easily offended.

Start with the strategy of changing what your inner voice is saying to you about the other person or the situation.

When someone says or does something that “makes” you feel hurt or angry or any other kind of toxic emotion, take a couple of slow breaths to first help you PAUSE from your habitual emotional response.

Then, teach your inner voice a new perspective……

“I’d rather people never said anything bad about me, but I accept that it will happen. I can cope without getting upset and their opinion is just their opinion. It doesn’t determine my value.”

Changing your inner voice is worth practicing!

If you’d like to learn more strategies to take control of your mind which is the most powerful tool you have–e-mail Fay fay@fayprairie.com  to set up a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute coaching session.

Who’s choosing your channels??

You or your emotions???

If you find your emotions taking over and choosing the channels for you, you may benefit from practicing these steps.

The last two weeks I gave steps one through seven and today I’m giving you the last three steps.

If you missed them, Click Here for steps 1-3 and Here for steps 4-7

Just a quick reminder of why managing our emotions is so important-

Losing it and freaking out or burying strong emotions can:

*Alienate people from you and Destroy Relationships
*Increase Anxiety & Depression
*Lead to Addictions
*Lead to Cancer/Heart Attacks (mind-body connection)

Your emotions create the life you are
experiencing now, every part of it.

Here are steps eight through ten.

Step Eight: Adjust the Focus

You’ve changed the channel but you might still need to fine tune the focus.

Negative, judgmental, and critical thoughts will
give you a fuzzy, distorted picture.

When you have one negative, judgmental or critical thought-it leads to another and then another and before you know it, you’ve gone from being

…..agitated to
…..frustrated
…..to angry and
…..even on to rage.

Positive, grateful and appreciative thoughts help give you a crisp, clear picture. A positive thought will also lead to another and then another and before you know it, you can go from

…..frustration to
…..thankful
…..to calm
…..to happy
…..even on to fulfillment.

Step Nine: TURN OFF

In today’s world we’re always on the go. Gotta do this, gotta do that and even when there’s a few minutes of downtime-we often use it to check the phone, facebook or play an electronic game.

Taking time to disconnect from the world-to be completely free from distractions, and obligations can be the last thing from our mind but yet what we truly need to do.

We need time to turn off from the world and
just have some quiet time to connect with ourselves.

Quiet time connecting with ourselves can help us manage our emotions, and reflect on situations from a higher perspective.

Step Ten: RECHARGE

How do you recharge?

Make sure you include some recharge time in your life when you’re feeling overwhelmed, emotional and burned out.

It’s difficult to manage your emotions when your resources are low.

What recharges you? Is it?

• Watching a really funny movie?
• Meditation or prayer?
• An invigorating workout?
• Spending quality time with the ones you love?
• Listening to uplifting music?
• Talking to a friend?
• Going for a walk?

Come up with multiple methods that you know help you to recharge so you’ll have several opportunities for self-care and improving your emotional well-being.

Managing emotions is tough at times.

There will likely be a specific emotion-maybe it’s anger–that sometimes gets the best of you.

But the more time and attention you spend on practicing and using these steps, the mentally stronger you’ll become and the better you’ll be able to manage it.

Each time you practice and use these steps, you will physically and structurally make changes in your brain that will make it easier the next time.

You’ll develop new neural pathways in your brain.

Then you’ll gain the skills and confidence to positively handle emotions that used to send you over the top and make you flip out…..

It feels so much better and life is way easier and
more peaceful when you can manage your
emotions instead of letting them manage you!

It isn’t always easy and that’s why so many people don’t make an effort and give up.

But once you are able to control your emotions, life changes for you.

You’ll be a BETTER YOU–have BETTER RELATIONSHIPS—
and a BETTER LIFE

Here are the ten steps so you can practice.

Step One: PAUSE
Step Two: TUNE In
Step Three: ZOOM In
Step Four:ADJUST the VOLUME
Step Five: REWIND
Step Six: REVIEW and RATE
Step Seven: CHANGE the CHANNEL
Step Eight: ADJUST the FOCUS
Step Nine: TURN OFF
Step Ten: RECHARGE

Click Here if you missed Part 1 for steps 1-3
Click Here for part 2 steps 4-7

If you’d like additional help in using these steps, reach out to Fay (fay@fayprairie.com) to schedule a free, no obligation 30 minute phone call to see how personal life coaching can help you on your journey towards personal growth.

Last week I wrote about managing emotions and I gave you the first three steps to get you started. Today we’re going to learn the next four steps.

If you missed it, it’s the blog right before this one.

Just a quick reminder of why managing our emotions is so important-

• Hanging onto resentments can keep us stuck in NEGATIVE feelings that HARM our RELATIONSHIPS.
• Our EMOTIONS can lead us to AGGRESSIVELY lash out at those we love. (pushing them away)
• Not feeling our emotions can create ANXIETY.
• Blaming others for our situation in life can lead to feeling HOPELESS and POWERLESS.
• Emotions can lead to overeating and overdrinking. (or other ADDICTIONS like shopping, smoking, gambling)

We all have issues at one time or another with
managing our emotions.

Here are steps four through seven.

Step Four: ADJUST the VOLUME

What is the voice in your head saying to you?

It’s talking to you all of the time (24/7)

Take it off of mute, turn up the volume and start to hear IT…
(CUZ IT’S RUNNING YOUR LIFE)

That voice is a BIG reason you are feeling the way you are feeling.

If you find yourself experiencing strong emotions–
GET IN TOUCH WITH WHAT THAT VOICE IS SAYING TO YOU!!

Step Five-REWIND

Once you’ve turned up the volume and can hear that voice–
then you can REWIND and gain an awareness of what’s really
contributing to that inner voice and the way you feel

Ask yourself:

What just triggered me to think this way?
Why is this bothering me this way?

Understanding where our emotions arise from and what evokes them is a crucial component to help you begin to manage them.

Are you truly angry at your partner asking you, “What’s for dinner?” or are you simply exhausted from a long day at work?

Step Six:-Review and Rate

You’ve turned up the volume so you can hear what
you inner voice is saying to you.

You’ve pressed rewind to get an idea of what’s
contributing to that voice and where it may be coming from.

Now review it and give it a rating.

Is that voice empowering or disempowering you?
Is that voice going to help you positively move forward in life
or is it going to hold you back?

Do you really want to keep listening to that same voice over and over again?
Would it be beneficial to change what that voice is saying to you?

Step Seven: CHANGE the CHANNEL

Your inner voice is either intensifying or
lessening your emotional reaction.

If you’ve determined that the thoughts being generated by your inner voice are disempowering and not going to be helpful in your life, then it’s time to Change the Channel.

By changing your thoughts you may not be able to change the situation but you can at least change the way you believe the situation is affecting you which alters your emotional response.

Example

You have to go to a social/networking event for work.

You turn up the volume and catch your inner voice saying,

“This networking event is going to be a complete waste of time.
No one is going to talk to me and I’m going to look like an idiot.”

Change the channel–

“It’s up to me to get something out of the event.
I’ll introduce myself to new people and show interest in learning about them.”

Taking a break and doing something different, like going for a walk, cleaning something, can help you change the channel from disempowering thoughts to thoughts that empower you.

Ask yourself this question to help you think a more rational empowering thought:

“What would I say to a friend who had this problem?”

IMPORTANT
Learning to control your emotions can be one of the best skills you will ever develop!

Your emotions lead to the actions you take or don’t take.
Your emotions affect every relationships you have, personal and professional.
Your emotions affect your physical health.

Your emotions create the life you are
experiencing now, every part of it.

Here are the six steps we’ve covered so far–

Step One: PAUSE–Deep Breathe and Count
Step Two-TUNE In-Awareness and Labeling feelings
Step Three-ZOOM In— Notice where feel the emotion
Step Four:ADJUST the VOLUME
Step Five-REWIND
Step Six:-REVIEW and RATE
Step Seven: CHANGE the CHANNEL

Join me next week for Part 3 (steps 8-10)

Have you ever lashed out at someone (your spouse, your child) and later regretted it?

Have you ever suffered with strong emotional anger towards someone yet you held it all inside?

We’ve all at one point in time been hijacked by strong emotions.

If you tend to fly off the handle when aggravated and express your outrage disrespectfully,
OR
If you get upset, frustrated and suppress your feelings by holding them inside,

Your emotions could be costing you

………….important relationships,

………….your job,

……………and even your health

Do you have knee jerk emotional reactions or do
you choose your emotional responses?

When you are able to choose your emotional responses, life becomes so much easier.

Not only will you feel way more empowered
and in control in life,
but you will be happier
and much healthier……
and have better relationships…….

Learning to control your emotions can be one of the best skills you will ever develop.

WHY?

*Emotions create the life you are experiencing now, every part of it.

Emotions lead to the actions you take or don’t take.
Emotions affect the way you treat people in your life.
Emotions affect your physical health.
(studies show negative emotions can kill cells in your body thus affecting your health)

*Emotions like worry (imagining a negative outcome) or fear can paralyze you from:

Having courageous conversations you need to have
Facing uncomfortable situations
Pursuing what you really want in life
Speaking up when necessary

Hanging onto resentments can keep you stuck in
negative feelings that harm YOU and your relationships.

Your emotions can lead you to aggressively
lash out at those you love.
(Creating distance and disconnection in your relationships)

Not feeling your emotions can create anxiety.
(which doesn’t feel good)

Blaming others for your situation in life can lead
to feeling hopeless and powerless.

Emotions can lead to overeating and overdrinking.
(or other addictions like shopping, smoking, gambling)

Emotions can cause chaos in your life.

YOUR ABILITY to manage the highs and lows of your emotions can:

SIGNIFICANTLY affect whether you feel happy, fulfilled and at peace in your life.

MAJORLY impact all of your relationships and the way people feel about being around you.

Emotional Intelligence is a skill that can help you become more aware AWARE and TACTFUL in UNDERSTANDING and HANDLING your own EMOTIONS as well as the emotions of others.

Gaining management over your emotions will help you become MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY STRONGER.

It’s a skill anyone can learn.

Over the next three weeks, I’m going to share with you ten tips to practice to gain management and the ability to feel and choose your emotional responses.

Here’s the first three today.

Think of managing your emotions like the REMOTE CONTROL for your TV.

Are you running your remote or are you letting someone else push your buttons?

STEP ONE: Press PAUSE

We’ve all experienced that feeling in the middle of an argument when anxiety or anger emotionally kidnaps us. (or when someone says something that really strikes a nerve in us)

It can feel overwhelming. It can also lead to negative consequences if you let the emotions take over your logical thinking.

Whenever you feel that feeling, repeat like a mantra, the word:
PAUSE

Then do Deep Breathing and Count.

Breathe in through your nose and count slowly to five. Focus on how your body feels as you breathe in.

Hold for a moment and then exhale, counting backwards from five, (5-4-3-2-1) focusing on your breath as it travels out your body.

It’s simple and brief but it helps you regain your composure. If you allow your emotional brain to take over, you may not end up with the results you want.

The more you practice it, the better it works when you need it.

STEP TWO-TUNE In

Now that you’ve paused, take some time to TUNE IN to your feelings.

Research shows that only 36 percent of people really know how they feel at any given time.

The remaining 64 percent do not. (Because they push their feelings aside versus allowing themselves to feel them)

This is problematic because UNLABELED EMOTIONS often go MISUNDERSTOOD which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions.

NAME IT TO TAME IT

We’d rather suppress them or just automatically go to the feeling of anger. What we need to do is to tune in and intimately get to know and understand what we’re feeling.

Anger sometimes masks emotions that feel vulnerable–like shame, embarrassment or hurt.

So pay close attention to what’s really going on inside of you.

What’s the pain that is underneath the anger?

Are you nervous? Do you feel disappointed? Are you sad? Are you jealous?
Are you overwhelmed? Are you scared? Are you hurt? Are you worried?

Put a name to your emotions. Keep in mind you might feel a whole bunch of emotions at once–like anxious, frustrated, and impatient.

Getting to know your feelings more intimately and labeling how you feel can take a lot of the sting out of the emotion.

It can also help you take careful note of how those feelings are likely to affect your decisions.

Be ready to be open, willing, and vulnerable to pay attention to your true feelings.

Journaling how you are feeling can help you to identify and become more aware of what’s really underneath those emotions.

STEP THREE-ZOOM In

Zoom into how you feel. Emotions show up as physical feelings in our body.

Are you feeling butterflies in your stomach? A racing heart?
A pounding head? A tight chest? Tense shoulders?

Delving into how your body feels will help you notice your own signs in order to better understand yourself.

Plus–This will help you gain the future ability to catch the emotions when they first start which will be helpful in managing them.

It’s easier to control a SMALL GIANT than a BIG, HUGE GIANT.

Just the acknowledgement and awareness of how you are feeling helps to CALM YOU DOWN.

Pushing down and ignoring your emotions and feelings can actually intensify them. (plus buried emotions can lead to anxiety)

Gaining a deeper understanding of how you feel will also help you to express yourself in a more effective, empowering way.
(when you understand what’s going on inside of you better,
it’s easier to have a conversation with someone else)

Remember, once you are able to control your emotions, LIFE BECOMES SO MUCH EASIER. Not only will you feel way more empowered and in control in life, but you will have so many less upsets and frustrations.

Work on the first three steps this next week-
Stay tuned next week for Steps Four-Six

STEP ONE:PAUSE –Deep Breathe and Count
STEP TWO-TUNE In-Become aware of how you feel and label the emotions
STEP THREE-ZOOM In– Notice where your body feels the emotion

Join me next week for Part 2