Have you ever been around someone who had so many SHOULDS that it was impossible to be around them without being corrected or feeling criticized?

It’s like you can just feel the judgement emanating out of them.

People who use too many SHOULDS, OUGHTS, MUSTS and HAVE TO’S are very demanding and judgmental and they make life miserable for themselves and others.

People who have very high demands of others tend to have way more problems in their relationships.

SHOULDS, OUGHTS and MUSTS create anger and frustration.

• You SHOULD have done this.
• You SHOULD have done that.
• You SHOULD have said this.
• You SHOULD have said that.

People who have demands also have more guilt.

• I SHOULD have done this.
• I SHOULD have done that.

When people can minimize their demands, and change their “SHOULDS” into preferences, they can massively increase their peace and happiness and improve their relationships. (not to mention lowering their stress and anxiety)

Start to catch yourself each time you say a SHOULD on someone.

Change the SHOULD into a request or a preference.

Instead of angrily saying,

“You SHOULD have called me and told me you’d be late.”

          You can say….

“I wish you would have called me and told me you’d be late.”

Instead of DEMANDING:

“You SHOULD stay home with me!”

          You can say, 

“I’d prefer that you stay home with me tonight.”

Try changing-SHOULD into–

“I wish”

“I’d prefer”

“I’d like”

See what happens.

The fewer SHOULDS you use, the better off you 

AND the people in your life will be.

Not every SHOULD is going to create a problem.

It’s more the demanding SHOULDS that need to be watched.

But to be on the safe side, you can just start to practice using–

“I prefer” or “I’d really like it if…” 

instead of “you SHOULD”….

How SHOULDS impacted Jack’s life:

Jack had had more rules and regulations than the Army, Navy and Air Force combined.

No wonder he was on his 3rd marriage and having issues with co-workers.

Jack also had an estranged relationship with his brother because Jack had so many SHOULDS about what his brother SHOULD be doing in his life.

Jack decided to stop deciding what others SHOULD and SHOULDN’T do.

When Jack started managing his “SHOULDS” his life changed for the better.

An enormous burden was lifted from his shoulders.

He stopped taking life so seriously and lightened up.

Many people are unwilling or unable to drop their SHOULDS.

“You SHOULD have known better!”

“You SHOULD stop doing that!”

“You SHOULD handle it this way!”

Allow yourself to drop yours!

Give yourself permission to let them go!

Catch your SHOULDS  

Change them into preferences or wishes:

“I WISH you’d stop doing that.”

“I’d PREFER that you did it this way.”

Try it out.

See how much better you feel!

Remember that small changes done consistently and persistently add up to BIG results. 

I just read the book, “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday. 

Ryan writes:

“There is no good or bad without us, there is only perception. There is the event itself and the story we tell ourselves about what it means.”

Ryan explains that CHALLENGES in our life aren’t the problem.

The problem is HOW WE REACT TO THEM.

We often react with:

• …..Fear
• …..Frustration
• …..Helplessness
• …..Depression
• …..Worry
• …..Anger

We think:

"Why is this
happening to me?"

"Life is
unfair!"

"This was not
supposed to be this way!"

We think things should go—

…..According to our plan. 

…..According to our expectations.

…..The way we think it should!  

We’re all guilty of this…..

LIFE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!

There are ups and downs.

There are good times and bad times.

We have pleasure and we have pain.

It’s anything but smooth.

But somehow we STILL expect it to be a smoother ride 

Who ever said relationships would be smooth?

Who ever said raising kids would be smooth?

Who ever said anything in our life would be a smooth ride?

Struggling in life is a given.  

You can’t avoid that. 

“You can learn to surf the waves, but you can’t stop them.”

But, you’ll struggle even more if you keep thinking that it shouldn’t be this way. 

The more you resist what is, the more you suffer.

“Pain in life is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.”

Whatever area of your life you may want to improve:

• …..A relationship
• …..Lose weight
• …..Get a better job
• …..Make more money
• …..Travel more
• …..Have more FUN

You will encounter obstacles and frustrations.

Just like if you were climbing a mountain with the goal of getting to the top, you would have obstacles like rocks and maybe fallen trees you’d need to overcome.

Here’s what you need to do:

DEVELOP A NEW MINDSET

Think of the obstacles as an opportunity to practice and strengthen your skills along the way.

What can you learn from what you are going through?

How can you use it to help you move forward to where you want to be?

You never know what kind of rocks you will need to overcome just before the tip of the mountain, so be grateful for every rock on the way as it is a chance for you to learn the lessons you need to learn to prepare yourself for the top.

No journey will ever be a smooth ride.

The obstacles and frustrations help us evolve and grow!

So, use the obstacles you are facing in reaching your goals as an opportunity to learn and grow!

It’s not about the goal. It’s about growing to become the person that can accomplish that goal.” –  Tony Robbins

How often do you find yourself saying you can’t do something?

• “I can’t quit my job and get a different one.”
• “I can’t exercise in the morning.”
• “I can’t quit smoking.”
• “I can’t lose weight.”
• “I can’t improve my marriage.”
• “I can’t help it that I have anxiety.”
• “I can’t get over it or forget it.”
• “I can’t change how I feel about him/her.”
• “I can’t change who I am.”
• “I can’t make more money.”

Are you differentiating correctly between between
“I can’t” and “I won’t.”??????

Can’t implies that you lack the ability to do something.

Won’t implies that you’ve made a choice not to do it.

Words are so powerful and they really make a difference in how we feel which affects the choices we make and the actions we take.

What words are you using??
What thoughts are you thinking??
How are they affecting your feelings??
How are those feelings affecting your actions??

It all starts with those words in your head.

Are you even aware of them?

For Example

You tell me that you can’t get on the elevator because you have a phobia about elevators.

It’s not like there’s a big force field in front of you blocking you and making it impossible for you to get on the elevator.

You can walk to the elevator, press the button to open the door and you can walk through a door to get on the elevator. You can do it. It is possible.

The truth is that because of your thoughts and feelings, you don’t want to and it would be more accurate to say “I won’t do it.”

Saying, “I can’t do it” is an excuse that lets you off the hook.

We often use the words “I can’t” as an excuse when what we really mean is “I won’t.”

Now that we’ve established that this is a choice, we can work on it, instead of seeing it as an ability problem.
Take a look at what you have said that you can’t do and evaluate it –

Is it true that you CAN’T do it,
or is it that you WON’T do it??

If you can’t, then no one will ever be able to help you.

If you won’t, then that is a choice, and that can be addressed.

Can you think of some areas in your life where you’re saying or maybe just thinking” “I can’t” but it would benefit you to realize that’s just an excuse and you really can?

I know I can….

Successful people who accomplish things and move forward towards what they want use “I can’t” as a SIGNAL that they need to IMPROVE A SKILL, and not as an EXCUSE that lets them off the hook.

Could you change “I can’t” to
“I’m going to figure it out”??

• “I can’t make this situation work, so I must figure out how to change it.”
• “I can’t understand why my co-worker always seems so upset, so I’m going to figure it out.”
• “I can’t continue to go down this path so I’m going to figure out what I can start to do different.”
• “I can’t let this habit take over my life so I’m going to figure out how to change it.”

Practice changing “I can’t” to

“I’ll figure it out”

Even one hour can be challenging…..

But…..If you can, then you can change your life.

We’ve all been negative and crabby and we certainly know what it’s like to be around others who are negative and crabby.

……….No one likes it and it doesn’t feel good.

……….In fact, it can feel quite awful.

NEGATIVITY can damage your relationships with your–

•    Kids
•    Significant Other
•    Co-workers
•    Friends
•    In-laws

Negative emotions – like anger, contempt, and depression can seep into your entire body and damage your health.

Sometimes you can feel the simmering bitterness eating away at your stomach, raising your blood pressure, and turning your shoulder and neck muscles to stone

Negativity just doesn’t do anyone much good.

On the opposite end, research has shown that POSITIVITY helps you:

• See possibilities
• Bounce back from setbacks
• Connect with others
• Become the best version of yourself

CAN YOU GO AN HOUR WITHOUT HAVING A NEGATIVE THOUGHT?

About 8 years ago Pastor Bowen, author of the book “No More Complaining” came up with the idea of encouraging people to go twenty-one days without complaining.

Over 10 million people have tried it: You wear a rubber bracelet to remind you of your goal, but each time you complained, you had to put the bracelet on the other wrist and begin your 21 days anew.

It may sound easy, but it takes most people four to eight months to go 21 days without complaining!

I’ve never succeeded!

But in making the attempt, I increased my awareness and drastically reduced the number of times I complained.

Seriously, most people have no idea how often they complain. 

I know I didn’t!

Complaining is negative.

Research does say that there is a part of our brain that is always on the lookout for problems.

We’ll always do some complaining.

Some would say that reducing your complaining is an experience that is worth 100’s of hours of therapy.

What if you tried to go without complaining today?

How do you think you’d do?

Give it a try.

Then tomorrow move it up a notch and try to go without a negative thought.

Maybe first start out with seeing if you can go a single hour without a negative thought.

Negative thoughts include:

……. worries, doubts, fears, disappointments, etc. 

I’ve already recognized several negative thoughts in my head just since I started writing this post.

They can be such persistent little devils!

Don’t be surprised if you have as many as 25-100 negative thoughts/feelings in a single hour.

In a study with 100 people, only 3 people were able to get past one hour without negative thinking.

Truthfully, I’m not sure it’s even possible.

But, just doing the exercise will tilt the balance toward positivity.

Awareness alone can move us in the right direction.

As I always say it’s difficult to change something if you’re not even aware of it.

Tuthfully, most people ARE NOT aware of how often they have negative thoughts.

I’ve had people tell me how positive they are and then turn around and judge and complain about others. (not even realizing that they are being negative)

Here’s extra credit for you. 

Each time you catch a negative thought, generate 3 positive thoughts to cancel the negative one out.

Barbara Fredrickson’s Positive Psychology research shows that you need THREE POSITIVE THOUGHTS to counteract each NEGATIVE THOUGHT you have. 

We have to intentionally choose to be positive because we all have a natural bias toward negativity.

Fredrickson’s research shows that positivity can transform people’s lives. A positive state of mind can enhance relationships, improve health, relieve depression, and broaden the mind.

Fredrickson draws on the imagery of the water lily to illustrate her theory: “Just as water lilies retract when sunlight fades, so do our minds when positivity fades” (Fredrickson 2009, p. 55).

Your First Challenge-Go a day without complaining.

Your Second Challenge-Go an hour without being negative.

Let me know how you do.

Good Luck.

You’ll have to put an imaginary wire tap in your brain to catch those complaining, negative thoughts and words!

We’re so used to focusing on our external world and not looking in and observing what’s going on in our internal world.

When you change your thoughts, you change your life