I just read the book, “The
Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday.
Ryan writes:
“There
is no good or bad without us, there is only perception. There is the event
itself and the story we tell ourselves about what it means.”
Ryan explains that CHALLENGES in our life aren’t the problem.
The problem is HOW WE REACT TO THEM.
We often react with:
…..Fear
…..Frustration
…..Helplessness
…..Depression
…..Worry
…..Anger
We think:
"Why is this
happening to me?"
"Life is
unfair!"
"This was not
supposed to be this way!"
We think things should go—
…..According to our plan.
…..According to our expectations.
…..The way we think it should!
We’re all guilty of this…..
LIFE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!
There are ups and downs.
There are good times and bad times.
We have pleasure and we have pain.
It’s anything but smooth.
But somehow we STILL expect it to be a smoother ride
Who ever said relationships would be smooth?
Who ever said raising kids would be smooth?
Who ever said anything in our life would be a smooth ride?
Struggling in life is a given.
You can’t avoid that.
“You can learn to surf the waves, but you can’t stop them.”
But, you’ll struggle even more if you keep thinking that
it shouldn’t be this way.
The more you resist what is, the more you suffer.
“Pain in life is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.”
Whatever area of your life you may want to improve:
…..A relationship
…..Lose weight
…..Get a better job
…..Make more money
…..Travel more
…..Have more FUN
You will encounter obstacles and frustrations.
Just like if you were climbing a mountain with the goal of
getting to the top, you would have obstacles like rocks and maybe fallen trees
you’d need to overcome.
Here’s what you need to do:
DEVELOP A NEW MINDSET
Think of the obstacles as an opportunity to practice and strengthen your skills along the way.
What can you learn from what you are going through?
How can you use it to help you move forward to where you
want to be?
You never know what kind of rocks you will need to
overcome just before the tip of the mountain, so be grateful for every rock on
the way as it is a chance for you to learn the lessons you need to learn to
prepare yourself for the top.
No journey will ever be a smooth ride.
The obstacles and frustrations help us evolve and grow!
So, use the obstacles you are facing
in reaching your goals as an opportunity to learn and grow!
It’s not about the goal. It’s about growing to become the person that can accomplish that goal.” – Tony Robbins
How often do you find yourself saying you can’t do something?
• “I can’t quit my job and get a different one.”
• “I can’t exercise in the morning.”
• “I can’t quit smoking.”
• “I can’t lose weight.”
• “I can’t improve my marriage.”
• “I can’t help it that I have anxiety.”
• “I can’t get over it or forget it.”
• “I can’t change how I feel about him/her.”
• “I can’t change who I am.”
• “I can’t make more money.”
Are you differentiating correctly between between
“I can’t” and “I won’t.”??????
Can’t implies that you lack the ability to do something.
Won’t implies that you’ve made a choice not to do it.
Words are so powerful and they really make a difference in how we feel which affects the choices we make and the actions we take.
What words are you using??
What thoughts are you thinking??
How are they affecting your feelings??
How are those feelings affecting your actions??
It all starts with those words in your head.
Are you even aware of them?
For Example
You tell me that you can’t get on the elevator because you have a phobia about elevators.
It’s not like there’s a big force field in front of you blocking you and making it impossible for you to get on the elevator.
You can walk to the elevator, press the button to open the door and you can walk through a door to get on the elevator. You can do it. It is possible.
The truth is that because of your thoughts and feelings, you don’t want to and it would be more accurate to say “I won’t do it.”
Saying, “I can’t do it” is an excuse that lets you off the hook.
We often use the words “I can’t” as an excuse when what we really mean is “I won’t.”
Now that we’ve established that this is a choice, we can work on it, instead of seeing it as an ability problem.
Take a look at what you have said that you can’t do and evaluate it –
Is it true that you CAN’T do it,
or is it that you WON’T do it??
If you can’t, then no one will ever be able to help you.
If you won’t, then that is a choice, and that can be addressed.
Can you think of some areas in your life where you’re saying or maybe just thinking” “I can’t” but it would benefit you to realize that’s just an excuse and you really can?
I know I can….
Successful people who accomplish things and move forward towards what they want use “I can’t” as a SIGNAL that they need to IMPROVE A SKILL, and not as an EXCUSE that lets them off the hook.
Could you change “I can’t” to “I’m going to figure it out”??
• “I can’t make this situation work, so I must figure out how to change it.”
• “I can’t understand why my co-worker always seems so upset, so I’m going to figure it out.”
• “I can’t continue to go down this path so I’m going to figure out what I can start to do different.”
• “I can’t let this habit take over my life so I’m going to figure out how to change it.”
We’ve all been negative and crabby and we certainly know
what it’s like to be around others who are negative and crabby.
……….No one likes it and it doesn’t feel good.
……….In fact, it can feel quite awful.
NEGATIVITY can damage your relationships with your–
Kids
Significant Other
Co-workers
Friends
In-laws
Negative emotions – like anger, contempt, and
depression can seep into your entire body and damage your health.
Sometimes you can feel the simmering bitterness eating away at your stomach, raising your blood pressure, and turning your shoulder and neck muscles to stone
Negativity just doesn’t do anyone much good.
On the opposite end, research has shown that POSITIVITY
helps you:
See possibilities
Bounce back from setbacks
Connect with others
Become the best version of yourself
CAN
YOU GO AN HOUR WITHOUT HAVING A NEGATIVE THOUGHT?
About 8 years ago Pastor Bowen, author of the book
“No More Complaining” came up with the idea of encouraging people to
go twenty-one days without complaining.
Over 10 million people have tried it: You wear a rubber
bracelet to remind you of your goal, but each time you complained, you had to
put the bracelet on the other wrist and begin your 21 days anew.
It may sound easy, but it takes most people four to eight
months to go 21 days without complaining!
I’ve never succeeded!
But in making the attempt, I increased my awareness and
drastically reduced the number of times I complained.
Seriously, most people have no idea how often they
complain.
I know I didn’t!
Complaining is negative.
Research does say that there is a part of our brain that
is always on the lookout for problems.
We’ll always do some complaining.
Some would say that reducing your complaining is an experience that is worth 100’s of hours of therapy.
What if you tried to go without complaining today?
How do you think you’d do?
Give
it a try.
Then tomorrow move it up a notch and try to go without a
negative thought.
Maybe first start out with seeing if you can go a single
hour without a negative thought.
Negative thoughts include:
……. worries, doubts, fears, disappointments,
etc.
I’ve already recognized several negative thoughts in my
head just since I started writing this post.
They can be such persistent little devils!
Don’t be surprised if you have as many as 25-100 negative
thoughts/feelings in a single hour.
In a study with 100 people, only 3 people were able to get
past one hour without negative thinking.
Truthfully, I’m not sure it’s even possible.
But, just doing the exercise will tilt the balance toward
positivity.
Awareness alone can move us in the right direction.
As I always say it’s difficult to change something if
you’re not even aware of it.
Tuthfully, most people ARE NOT aware of how often they have negative thoughts.
I’ve had people tell me how positive they are and then
turn around and judge and complain about others. (not even realizing that they
are being negative)
Here’s extra credit for you.
Each time you catch a negative thought, generate 3
positive thoughts to cancel the negative one out.
Barbara Fredrickson’s Positive Psychology research shows
that you need THREE POSITIVE THOUGHTS to counteract each NEGATIVE THOUGHT you
have.
We have to intentionally choose to be positive because we
all have a natural bias toward negativity.
Fredrickson’s research shows that positivity can transform
people’s lives. A positive state of mind can enhance relationships, improve
health, relieve depression, and broaden the mind.
Fredrickson draws on the imagery of the water lily to
illustrate her theory: “Just as water lilies retract when sunlight fades,
so do our minds when positivity fades” (Fredrickson 2009, p. 55).
Your First Challenge-Go a day without complaining.
Your Second Challenge-Go an hour without being negative.
Let me know how you do.
Good Luck.
You’ll have to put an imaginary wire tap in your brain to
catch those complaining, negative thoughts and words!
We’re so used to focusing on our external world and not
looking in and observing what’s going on in our internal world.
When you change your thoughts, you change your life
You GOTTA train your mind to be stronger than your emotions if you want to WIN in the game of life.
Your emotions are tied to everything you do or don’t do.
Confidence and courage can move you forward.
Fear and self-doubt can paralyze you.
Your emotions are always affecting your life.
When we act on our emotions too quickly, or when we act on the wrong kinds of emotions, we can make decisions we later regret. Trust me, I know LOL
Negative emotions, like anger, hurt or bitterness tend to easily spiral out of control especially right after they’ve been triggered.
Sometimes they seem to grow and take over just like weeds. I’ve had weeds take over my garden so this is an image that comes easily to my mind.
Negative thoughts grow so easy-and can dominate our lives in no time.
All you have to do is think the word ‘SHOULD’ or “SHOULDN’T” and before you know it, you’re fertilizing those disempowering thoughts.
“I should be this way or that way.” (feel sad or disappointed that you’re not)
“They shouldn’t do that, say that, be that way.” (feel angry because they are)
“I should have such and such done.” (feel ashamed, guilty, less than)
Now you’re viewing situations as: unfair, harmful, wrong and you’re feeling like you have no control.
This is the PERFECT SEED BED for NEGATIVE THOUGTS to grow.
When something “SHOULD” be a certain way and it isn’t, we begin to “CATASTROPHIZE” and see things as terrible, horrible and unbearable.
It increases STRESS and OVERWHELM.
Your negative thinking intensifies your negative emotions which intensify your negative thinking which intensify your negative emotions and it becomes a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck.
Here are seven steps that can help you manage your feelings before they manage you.
Step One DON’T REACT RIGHT AWAY
Take time to PAUSE. Take several deep breaths. Remember that deep breathing triggers the VEGAS nerve at the bottom of your spine which sends neurotransmitters to your brain that actually CALM you down. This will help stabilize that overwhelming impulse.
Step Two BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR THOUGHTS
Thoughts are habitual. Ninety percent of your thoughts tend to be the same each day. It can be quite difficult to become aware of them as we’re used to focusing on what’s going on outside of us instead of inside of us.
Before you can change your thoughts for the better, you have to be aware of what you’re thinking.
Step Three ASK YOURSELF WHY
Once you are aware of your thoughts, ask yourself what is causing this feeling inside of you?
What’s the trigger? What’s going on inside of me that makes me react and feel the way I do?
Step Four CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK
Once you know the root of the problem, you can change the way you think about it. Your thoughts shape your feelings.
How else could you look at this situation? Can you find a different way to think about it that helps you to feel less stressed, less anxious?
Sometimes it’s good to consult a friend as it’s easy to get boxed in with your own thoughts.
Step Five SET YOUR INTENTIONS
Choose how you want to react ahead of time. The way that we react and manage our emotions is a habit. Are you controlling your emotions or are they controlling you?
Once you can control your emotions, then you will feel more in control of your life. Life is easier when you are in control. Life is less stressful when you are in control.
Sometimes we need to quit worrying about controlling so many other things in our life and start spending our energy on learning to control ourselves. (our thoughts, beliefs and emotions)
Step Six MODIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Take a look at your expectations. Your expectations cause you the most disappointment and stress in your life.
Can you modify them? Are they really realistic?
What’s more important-your health, happiness and loving relationships or your expectations?
Which would you rather give up? Would you rather hang onto your expectations or would you rather be happy?
Step Seven DELETE NEGATIVE THINKING
It’s easy to get caught up in habitual negative thinking which causes you emotional turmoil.
We tend to replay certain situations (usually negative ones) over and over in our mind and experience the same feelings again and again– strengthening them with each replay.
We tend to think of our emotions (E) and our intelligence (I) as two separate things.
Put them together as emotional intelligence (EQ), and it’s a different way to be smart because it’s “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions calmly and compassionately, and to handle interpersonal relationships in an empathetic and fair way.
Some would say that developing your emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important to being successful and happy in life than your intellectual intelligence (IQ).
A high IQ is something we tend to be born with while emotional intelligence is something we can work to improve.
We can take steps to get emotionally “smarter.”
Each time we practice the seven steps listed above, they become easier and pretty soon they just flow naturally.
It will be worth your practicing!
If you’d like to visit more about learning to take control of your mind which is the most powerful tool you have–e-mail Fay fay@fayprairie.com to set up a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute coaching session.
How often do you find yourself saying you can’t do something?
