“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” Chinese Proverb 

What’s one hard thing you need to start to 

do right now to make your life better?

Does that voice in your head start to say–

 …..I can’t do it.

• What if it goes awful?
• What if they get upset?
• What if I fail?
• What if I embarrass myself?
• What if it never works?
• What if I’m not good enough?
• What if it’s a total waste of time?

Our mind continues to build that list of worries in our minds.

Pretty soon, we’ve talked ourselves out of doing whatever it is that would make our lives easier.

We all have fears and worries and they never really go away.

When I first started writing a newsletter and blog, I would ask all those questions.

Especially in the beginning.

I pushed myself to do it anyway despite all the uncomfortable feelings I had about it.

It’s true that doing hard things makes you stronger.

That’s the way you grow.

You push through that uncomfortable feeling.

It took a long time for that feeling of dread and fear to subside.

It’s still there but not near as intense as it used to be.

I have made progress and part of that is due to the people who would send me comments and say that some information I put out there really helped them. 

That motivated me to keep going.

EVER JUMPED OFF THE HIGH DIVING BOARD?

When I was a kid in swimming lessons and we had to jump off the high diving board, I was so SCARED!

 In fact, I chickened out last minute and squeezed by everyone in line to HASTILY get back down that ladder.

I COULDN’T do it.

I was too SCARED.

Eventually I made myself feel the fear and do it anyway (probably because I was too embarrassed when everyone else was doing it)

Then I actually learned to LOVE jumping off the high diving board. 

IMAGINE THAT!

Not only did I become comfortable with it, but I actually ENJOYED it!

When we do the thing we fear the most, the action of doing it is what CURES our fear.

Is there some area of your life where you need to move beyond your fear and just do it? (Nike really has a good slogan)

There are still other areas of my life where I need to embrace this concept.

I’m a work in progress.

But since I’ve succeeded in some areas of my life, I know that it’s possible to move beyond that uncomfortable feeling in other areas.

Mel Robbins, author of, “The Five Second Rule” says-when you think of the thing you need to do-immediately say 5-4-3-2-1 and then DO IT.

If you think too much, you’ll talk yourself right out of it.

You’ll let fear, uncertainty, and that uncomfortable feeling rule your life.

Here are four tips to help you REIGN in the uncomfortable feeling and DO IT anyway!

#1 AWARENESS-

The first step is always being mindful and aware of what’s going on inside of you.

…..What are you afraid of? 

…..What’s behind your fear?

For me, (putting my information out there) is a fear of not being good enough, sounding stupid, looking stupid-being criticized. 

In other words, I have some self-doubt about my ability and I want to be certain that it’s going to give value to people.

We can’t always have the certainty that we think we need. Sometimes we just have to 5-4-3-2-1 and DO IT!

#2 Be Honest

In what areas of your life are you letting that uncomfortable feeling hold you back? 

You may be doing great moving forward in some areas of your life, but be honest-what are some things you could be doing that you aren’t because of fear or that vulnerable feeling?

I do speaking and I honestly admit that I let uncomfortable feelings hold me back from calling to introduce myself to people who may benefit from my speaking programs. 

Although I’ve grown in many areas, there are still areas that I let fear, doubt, and insecurity hold me back.

What areas in your life are you letting 

those feelings hold you back?

………Something at work you could be doing?

……….A conversation you’re avoiding?

……….Something you need to do to reach a goal?

Be honest, what could you be doing that you’re allowing your feelings to paralyze you from doing?

#3 Accept it

…..Notice It

…..Admit It

…..Accept It.

Everyone experiences those vulnerable, uncomfortable feelings that hold them back from doing something.

It’s completely normal so don’t fight it, allow yourself to notice it, admit it and accept it.

Something might be easy for someone and really scary or uncomfortable for someone else.

Everyone has an area of their life in which feelings of vulnerability are holding them back.

#4 Feel the fear and do it anyway.

…..Go have that conversation.

…..Go make that phone call.

…..Go apologize to someone.

…..Go apply for that job.

…..Go ask for that raise.

…..Go talk to your boss.

…..Go talk to that client.

…..Go talk to your spouse.

…..Go tackle that project.

…..Go ask for what you need.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

It probably won’t be near as bad as you think it will.

5-4-3-2-1 DO IT (As Mel Robbins would say)

Don’t think too much!

Let go of any time you’ve failed in the past-

…..A failed conversation

…..A failed relationship

…..A failed attempt at doing something

And put yourself out there.

This quote from Marianne Williamson has always been one of my favorites.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do….And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Have you ever been around someone who had so many SHOULDS that it was impossible to be around them without being corrected or feeling criticized?

It’s like you can just feel the judgement emanating out of them.

People who use too many SHOULDS, OUGHTS, MUSTS and HAVE TO’S are very demanding and judgmental and they make life miserable for themselves and others.

People who have very high demands of others tend to have way more problems in their relationships.

SHOULDS, OUGHTS and MUSTS create anger and frustration.

• You SHOULD have done this.
• You SHOULD have done that.
• You SHOULD have said this.
• You SHOULD have said that.

People who have demands also have more guilt.

• I SHOULD have done this.
• I SHOULD have done that.

When people can minimize their demands, and change their “SHOULDS” into preferences, they can massively increase their peace and happiness and improve their relationships. (not to mention lowering their stress and anxiety)

Start to catch yourself each time you say a SHOULD on someone.

Change the SHOULD into a request or a preference.

Instead of angrily saying,

“You SHOULD have called me and told me you’d be late.”

          You can say….

“I wish you would have called me and told me you’d be late.”

Instead of DEMANDING:

“You SHOULD stay home with me!”

          You can say, 

“I’d prefer that you stay home with me tonight.”

Try changing-SHOULD into–

“I wish”

“I’d prefer”

“I’d like”

See what happens.

The fewer SHOULDS you use, the better off you 

AND the people in your life will be.

Not every SHOULD is going to create a problem.

It’s more the demanding SHOULDS that need to be watched.

But to be on the safe side, you can just start to practice using–

“I prefer” or “I’d really like it if…” 

instead of “you SHOULD”….

How SHOULDS impacted Jack’s life:

Jack had had more rules and regulations than the Army, Navy and Air Force combined.

No wonder he was on his 3rd marriage and having issues with co-workers.

Jack also had an estranged relationship with his brother because Jack had so many SHOULDS about what his brother SHOULD be doing in his life.

Jack decided to stop deciding what others SHOULD and SHOULDN’T do.

When Jack started managing his “SHOULDS” his life changed for the better.

An enormous burden was lifted from his shoulders.

He stopped taking life so seriously and lightened up.

Many people are unwilling or unable to drop their SHOULDS.

“You SHOULD have known better!”

“You SHOULD stop doing that!”

“You SHOULD handle it this way!”

Allow yourself to drop yours!

Give yourself permission to let them go!

Catch your SHOULDS  

Change them into preferences or wishes:

“I WISH you’d stop doing that.”

“I’d PREFER that you did it this way.”

Try it out.

See how much better you feel!

Remember that small changes done consistently and persistently add up to BIG results. 

I just read the book, “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday. 

Ryan writes:

“There is no good or bad without us, there is only perception. There is the event itself and the story we tell ourselves about what it means.”

Ryan explains that CHALLENGES in our life aren’t the problem.

The problem is HOW WE REACT TO THEM.

We often react with:

• …..Fear
• …..Frustration
• …..Helplessness
• …..Depression
• …..Worry
• …..Anger

We think:

"Why is this
happening to me?"

"Life is
unfair!"

"This was not
supposed to be this way!"

We think things should go—

…..According to our plan. 

…..According to our expectations.

…..The way we think it should!  

We’re all guilty of this…..

LIFE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!

There are ups and downs.

There are good times and bad times.

We have pleasure and we have pain.

It’s anything but smooth.

But somehow we STILL expect it to be a smoother ride 

Who ever said relationships would be smooth?

Who ever said raising kids would be smooth?

Who ever said anything in our life would be a smooth ride?

Struggling in life is a given.  

You can’t avoid that. 

“You can learn to surf the waves, but you can’t stop them.”

But, you’ll struggle even more if you keep thinking that it shouldn’t be this way. 

The more you resist what is, the more you suffer.

“Pain in life is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.”

Whatever area of your life you may want to improve:

• …..A relationship
• …..Lose weight
• …..Get a better job
• …..Make more money
• …..Travel more
• …..Have more FUN

You will encounter obstacles and frustrations.

Just like if you were climbing a mountain with the goal of getting to the top, you would have obstacles like rocks and maybe fallen trees you’d need to overcome.

Here’s what you need to do:

DEVELOP A NEW MINDSET

Think of the obstacles as an opportunity to practice and strengthen your skills along the way.

What can you learn from what you are going through?

How can you use it to help you move forward to where you want to be?

You never know what kind of rocks you will need to overcome just before the tip of the mountain, so be grateful for every rock on the way as it is a chance for you to learn the lessons you need to learn to prepare yourself for the top.

No journey will ever be a smooth ride.

The obstacles and frustrations help us evolve and grow!

So, use the obstacles you are facing in reaching your goals as an opportunity to learn and grow!

It’s not about the goal. It’s about growing to become the person that can accomplish that goal.” –  Tony Robbins

How often do you find yourself saying you can’t do something?

• “I can’t quit my job and get a different one.”
• “I can’t exercise in the morning.”
• “I can’t quit smoking.”
• “I can’t lose weight.”
• “I can’t improve my marriage.”
• “I can’t help it that I have anxiety.”
• “I can’t get over it or forget it.”
• “I can’t change how I feel about him/her.”
• “I can’t change who I am.”
• “I can’t make more money.”

Are you differentiating correctly between between
“I can’t” and “I won’t.”??????

Can’t implies that you lack the ability to do something.

Won’t implies that you’ve made a choice not to do it.

Words are so powerful and they really make a difference in how we feel which affects the choices we make and the actions we take.

What words are you using??
What thoughts are you thinking??
How are they affecting your feelings??
How are those feelings affecting your actions??

It all starts with those words in your head.

Are you even aware of them?

For Example

You tell me that you can’t get on the elevator because you have a phobia about elevators.

It’s not like there’s a big force field in front of you blocking you and making it impossible for you to get on the elevator.

You can walk to the elevator, press the button to open the door and you can walk through a door to get on the elevator. You can do it. It is possible.

The truth is that because of your thoughts and feelings, you don’t want to and it would be more accurate to say “I won’t do it.”

Saying, “I can’t do it” is an excuse that lets you off the hook.

We often use the words “I can’t” as an excuse when what we really mean is “I won’t.”

Now that we’ve established that this is a choice, we can work on it, instead of seeing it as an ability problem.
Take a look at what you have said that you can’t do and evaluate it –

Is it true that you CAN’T do it,
or is it that you WON’T do it??

If you can’t, then no one will ever be able to help you.

If you won’t, then that is a choice, and that can be addressed.

Can you think of some areas in your life where you’re saying or maybe just thinking” “I can’t” but it would benefit you to realize that’s just an excuse and you really can?

I know I can….

Successful people who accomplish things and move forward towards what they want use “I can’t” as a SIGNAL that they need to IMPROVE A SKILL, and not as an EXCUSE that lets them off the hook.

Could you change “I can’t” to
“I’m going to figure it out”??

• “I can’t make this situation work, so I must figure out how to change it.”
• “I can’t understand why my co-worker always seems so upset, so I’m going to figure it out.”
• “I can’t continue to go down this path so I’m going to figure out what I can start to do different.”
• “I can’t let this habit take over my life so I’m going to figure out how to change it.”

Practice changing “I can’t” to

“I’ll figure it out”