I love being criticized! Don’t you?

Let’s be totally honest-

Most of us don’t like to be criticized.(even when it is constructive)

• It’s uncomfortable.
• It feels like we’ve been bad and we just got caught
• It’s like getting our hand slapped
• It feels like we’re being told we’re not good enough
• Like someone is demeaning us.
• It makes us Grouchy
• It raises our pulse; it makes our mind race.
• It hurts.
• We feel like we just got hit and we want to hit back!

Even though all these emotional reactions are understandable, they can be counterproductive.

Criticism is unavoidable!

The only way to live a life without criticism is to hide away in a cave and never see anyone.

If you are around other people, you’re going to receive some criticism.

How good are you at handling criticism?

Here’s the three most common ways people handle criticism.

1. Withdraw/Stop communicating (FLIGHT) 

• It makes you so mad that you just quit talking to the person. You just get up and walk completely away from them. (you take flight)

2. Counterattack,  FIGHT

• Why you………. How dare you…………. You think you’re perfect………..Well, what about all the things that are wrong with you?
• If you’re going to attack me, I’m going to attack you back.

3. Rationalize away the criticism 

• You try to convince the person they’re wrong-it’s not true-what they are saying isn’t right.
• When you rationalize it away, you miss the opportunity to learn and grow.

Since we’re all going to experience criticism, couldn’t we all benefit from learning a more productive way to handle it?

EXAMPLE

I didn’t have to think very long to come up with an example in my own life.

My husband was providing me with some “constructive feedback” on getting things done RIGHT AWAY. I tend to procrastinate and think, “I’ll do that later.”

Things like sending an RSVP for weddings, returning phone calls, (I really need to work on that one!) basically doing things right now versus waiting till the last minute.

I got my taxes done on April 15 if that tells you anything.

At first –I tried to defend myself by explaining all the times I do get things done. (rationalizing it as nothing) Then I’d sarcastically say-“Well, we can’t all be perfect like you.”  (counter attack)

There were also times when I’d just get mad and quit talking to him.(FLIGHT)

I’d see it as an attack. I definitely took it personal. I wasn’t very good at using it as an opportunity to grow.

Can you relate?

Could I have handled my husband’s criticism better? Yes, and I’m working on that!

Here’s a five step plan that you can add to your toolbox so you can successfully use constructive criticism to your advantage instead of letting it blindside you into an unproductive emotional reaction.

STEP ONE:CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Most people attach a negative connotation to the word “criticism” because it brings to mind something destructive. We all remember being taunted or criticized for no apparent reason as children, and those memories often linger into adulthood.

We need to reframe constructive criticism as something positive-

Positive Reframes for Constructive Criticism:

• Think of the person as being a “Good guy” that’s trying to help you versus making him out to be the “bad guy.” Assume he’s trying to be helpful vs hurtful.
• Criticism can be a learning and growing experience.
• Think of it as a gift. (even if it feels like it’s wrapped in sand paper)
• Look at it as a chance for personal growth vs letting it trigger shame and resistance.
• Instead of saying to yourself-“How dare they!” turn it around to “Thanks for trying to help me out”

STEP TWO: DON’T TAKE IT AS A PERSONAL ATTACK

People often take criticism as a personal attack, or as a signal that all the things they’ve done right aren’t being appreciated, and then they get defensive, reactive and upset. (Yep, I did that)

• Try to stay calm and centered. Remind yourself that going into defensive mode and getting emotionally upset won’t help the situation.
• Take a few seconds to recognize and acknowledge the emotion the criticism is evoking in you.
• What is the feeling? Name it to tame it.
• Where do you feel it in your body? Is your head racing? Is your chest pounding? Is your face heating up?
• Giving your full attention to the feeling can actually help to calm you down. (We usually have a tendency to run from the feeling but we need to move towards it instead) (What you resist persists)

Next, take time to breathe. BREATHE IN CALM and PEACE- and BREATHE OUT ANGER.

Breathing will calm your whole body down.

When you take time to feel your emotions and breathe, you will be able to think more rationally and not take things as personal.

STEP THREE: LISTEN AND BE OPEN MINDED

When you start to feel yourself getting worked up-remind yourself to:

“Be genuinely open to hearing what the other person is saying and try not to interrupt or jump to conclusions,”

Repeat to yourself:

• “I am going to listen to what they have to say and just breathe through my emotional reactions.”
• “It’s ok. This doesn’t take away from my worth as a person.  I can listen to their opinion and maybe even learn something from it.”

Ask yourself:

• “What helpful knowledge can I gain if I am open minded and listen?”

STEP FOUR: REPEAT, PARAPHRASE & ASK QUESTIONS

Ask questions to make sure you understand correctly.

It’s easy to MISINTERPRET what someone is saying.

Sometimes when it goes through our personal filtering system, it gets distorted from what the true message was-so make sure you repeat it, question it and truly understand what they are really saying.

Ask:

• “Is this what you are saying?”
• “Is this what you mean?”

It’s amazing how many times I’ve used this one step and found out that I was taking it totally wrong. I’m so glad I checked it out or I would have caused myself unnecessary frustration.

And the final, but one of the most important steps:

STEP FIVE: FIND WHATEVER TRUTH YOU CAN & ASK FOR HELP

Most people focus on the part that’s not true versus seeing parts that are true.

MY EXAMPLE–Yes, it’s true-I forget to buy the card, the gift, return the phone call, send the RSVP, do the things I am suppose to do.

It’s true, that’s something I need to work on.

I can even ask for helpful suggestions, “Do you have any suggestions to help me with that?”

So, I did actually ask him and I’m using one of his suggestions which is to set reminders on my iPhone. I can tell Siri to remind me in two hours to call so and so back. Or to buy a card or to do whatever it is that I may likely forget to do.

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We’re all imperfect human beings and it doesn’t take away from our worth as a person because we mess up and we admit it. Sometimes we could all benefit from being a little bit more vulnerable about our shortcomings instead of getting so defensive.

Constructive Feedback doesn’t have to be a “BAD GUY” and we can be thankful for it,  and use it to help us DEVELOP into a better person.

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So, to sum up the FIVE WAYS to successfully use criticism to your advantage.

1. Change your perspective

2. Don’t take it as a personal attack

3. Listen and be open minded

4. Repeat, paraphrase and ask questions

5. Find whatever truth you can in it & ask for helpful suggestions

Each time you practice using these skills, you’ll increase your ability to learn and grow from criticism versus getting emotionally reactive and defensive.

Eventually you’ll be a pro at staying calm and collective during criticism.

Successful people—hear it, glean what they can from it and move on without getting emotionally stuck on it.

Practice, Practice, Practice………….

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Fay Prairie is a personal life coach and speaker specializing in personal development, relationships and empowering mindsets. She helps set you free from stress, negativity AND FRUSTRATION so you can start creating a life and relationships that you’re excited to wake up to!

Better You…Better Relationships…Better Life…

Fay also provides workshops and trainings.  Check out her speaking page by   Clicking Here

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personalized Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!   (e-mail fay@fayprairie.com or call 507-829-0181) 

Have you ever tried to:

• Lose weight?
• Improve your relationship?
• Not get upset with someone?
• Not worry?
• Complete a challenging project?

And felt COMPLETELY STUCK…..as if you just can’t do it!

We’ve all felt like we’re drowning in mud.

times you feel stuck and confused.

You want to move. You should move. You have to move. But you can’t.

Right now, think of a goal or something you’ve really been wanting to change.

Now, see if you’ve ever used any of the four NEGATIVE things we say that keep us stuck and how you can reframe them into something positive.

NEGATIVE Statement #1

I’ve tried everything! 

Have you really tried everything? Usually we’ve tried 4-5 things.

Then we start to tell ourselves,

• “It didn’t work for me.”
• “It’s not possible for me.”
• “I just can’t do it.”
• “I might as well give up.”

This statement halts us from continuing to put forth effort.

What this statement really does is give us an excuse to ‘quit trying’.

We back off and give up too soon.

It’s just a story that we tell ourselves—but, it’s not a true story.

There are lots of new ways to keep trying.

Ask yourself:

• “Who can I ask to help me?”
• “Who can I ask for ideas?”

What’s really sad is that success could be right around the corner.

We may have failed a lot but the truth is that failure brings us closer and closer to achieving that which we desire.

With each failure, we learn and each time we learn we continue to do it a little better.

Each time you try something and fail, you are getting closer!

Keep asking yourself:

• What else can I try?
• What can I do different? 

“Don’t carry your mistakes around with you.

Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.”

NEGATIVE Statement #2

That works for them but it doesn’t work for me.

Ever catch yourself thinking,

• “I’m not like them.”
• “They have what it takes.  I don’t.”
• “They were just born that way, I wasn’t.”
• “They’re just different than me.”

We continually compare ourselves to others and we often come up short.

• “They’re more outgoing.”
• “They’re smarter.”
• “They’re more talented.”
•  “They’re more skilled.”

The truth often is that they’ve worked hours on developing their skills and talents. It didn’t always come natural for them either. They’ve just invested the time and energy on polishing the skills needed.

They trained, conditioned, practiced and kept getting better and better and better.

You just have to put in the miles.

Truthfully — sometimes it’s not easy for anyone, but if they can do it, why can’t you?

You can think of a million excuses and explanations but the truth is—quite often– There really isn’t any reason you can’t do it; it’s just your thoughts lying to you.

Replace it with a new mantra—Chant the new mantra over and over.

• “I can do it.”
• “It’s possible.”
• “If they can do it, then why can’t I”

How can I start working and training so I can have that too—so I can be that way too??

Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.
— Henry Ford

NEGATIVE Statement #3

You don’t understand.

You don’t understand- you don’t get it-you don’t know what it’s like for me.  It’s different for me, it’s harder for me, you don’t know what my life has been like.

Again, it’s a negative statement that holds us back. Then you quit.  You think people can’t understand your journey—what’s happened to you—what you’re going through.

They’ve never gone through what I have…there life is easier.

It’s a statement that gives you permission to only give it a half-hearted attempt.

We’ve all had some special situation in our life-one that we can use as an excuse to say that it’s not possible for us.

Reframe-

There have been many people who have faced difficult challenges in their life—but didn’t use them as an excuse to hold them back—but rather as fuel to move them forward.

• Albert Einstein didn’t speak until he was four years old.
• Jim Carrey used to be homeless.
• Richard Branson has dyslexia.
• Stephen King’s first novel was rejected 30 times.
• Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before creating the lightbulb. 

There are people who have had obstacle after obstacle and still reached their goals—people who have had a way harder journey than us yet they still made it –they still accomplished what they were out to do.

So, when you want to say you don’t understand—think of some of those people and again say,

“If they can do it, then I can do it.”

NEGATIVE STATEMENT #4

It’s easier said than done. It’s too hard.

That’s true with everything!

Everything is easier to say than it is to do it.

I’m going to go get ice cream from fridge—is easier said than done.

That saying is true about everything.

Everything is easier said than done–But we often let it stop us from doing it.

Our bodies try to keep us in our comfort zone.  So when we try to change something—a bad habit—a way our relationship has been–we convince ourselves it’s too hard—and then we don’t try very hard.

It’s a negative statement that holds us back.

If you’re struggling trying to get ahead and make changes-try changing what you’re saying to yourself.

Watch your internal talk because when we say pessimistic statements, they have a lot of power over our life.

Most of us are in constant mental chatter. We talk to ourselves all day long 24/7… and, unfortunately, this self talk is frequently negative. This negativity can destroy any seed of hope that we may otherwise have in reaching our goals.

Instead of saying-I’ve tried everything,  Say: “What else can I try?”

Instead of saying “That works for them but it doesn’t work for me.” Say—“If they can do it, then I can do it!”

Instead of saying “You don’t understand,” Say—“How can I become the person that can accomplish that?”

Instead of saying “It’s easier said than done—It’s too hard” –Say– “Everything is easier said than done but where there’s a will, there’s a way.  I’ll figure it out.”

Our actions are inspired by our thoughts. If we can change the way we think, we can begin to change the actions we take. Practicing positive self talk can help us set in motion actions that will bring us great rewards!!!.

It’s easy to be a pessimist.  It takes a conscientious effort to be an optimist.

Your thoughts and words are determining your life.

How does a mini mart decide what to stock for groceries?

It decides to stock and keep on hand what customers keep asking for over and over again.

The same happens for you.

Your mind zooms in on whatever you focus on over and over again.

Your mind says,

• “That must be what’s important to you if you keep focusing on it!”
• “That must be what you want if you keep visualizing it.”

What are you focusing on the most?

What you want? or What you don’t want?

If you truly believed that you get what you focus on, which one would you focus on?

We can’t possibly focus on everything or we’d definitely go into overload.

Therefore our mind has to reduce, filter and narrow it down so the conscious mind can handle it.

That’s where the RAS or reticular activation system comes into play.

The RAS is a bundle of nerves at our brain stem that filters out unnecessary information so the important stuff gets through.

• It’s the reason you learn a new word and then start hearing it everywhere.
• It’s why you can tune out a crowd full of talking people, yet immediately snap to attention when someone says your name.
• It’s the reason why you suddenly start seeing black Chevy impalas everywhere after you buy one. 
• It’s the reason you start seeing a commercial after someone tells you about it.

Your RAS is like a filter that sifts through all the data and presents only the pieces that are important to you. (this all happens beneath your awareness)

The RAS seeks information that validates your beliefs, experiences and newly gathered information in your life.

If you believe you are bad at giving speeches, your RAS will filter in the data that shows you are bad at giving speeches and filter out the data that shows you’re good at giving speeches.

If your experience is that you can’t lost weight, it will present the data that proves you can’t lose weight, and filter out the data that shows you can.

If you just read new information on how to prevent heart disease, you’ll start seeing and noticing more information on preventing heart disease.

Your RAS is like the grocery store in that it will keep supplying you with the things your mind is focusing on.

If you continually focus on why your partner, mother-in-law or co-worker is such a nasty, terrible person—then your RAS will keep bringing that information to your attention.

Our beliefs ultimately determine what our RAS filters in and out.

If you believe that a change you want in your life can’t happen, (you’ll never be able to take that trip, you’ll never have any extra money, you’ll never have a job you enjoy, etc) your RAS will filter in all the reasons you are absolutely right and you will have a really hard time seeing any of the ways the change you want can happen. (it will be almost impossible for you to see ways you can take that trip, ways you can get extra money, or believing that you can have a job you enjoy)

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If people want to change what the gas station keeps in stock for groceries, they’ll have to change what they keep purchasing and asking for over and over.

If you want to change something in your life, you need to change what you continually keep focusing on and visualizing in your mind over and over, thus allowing your RAS to change the information that is filtered in.

What might your RAS be filtering out that’s preventing you from having what you want in your life?

If you focus on, visualize and believe that being in a relationship is too difficult and too much work, your RAS won’t even let you see all the reasons it could be easy, wonderful or great.  (which isn’t going to motivate or help you with having a great relationship)

If you focus on, visualize and believe that your relationship could be fun, fulfilling and rewarding, your RAS will filter in those experiences (thus giving you more motivation to develop great relationships)

When you focus on what you want.  (a great relationship, a job you love, going on a vacation or whatever it is you’d really like)

Your RAS will help reveal the people, the opportunities, and the actions needed to help you achieve those goals.

In life, It’s easy to quit and think that something just isn’t possible.

On the contrary, it’s POSSIBLE for you to train your brain to focus on what you really want.  Then your RAS will go to work and help you see ways in which you can make it happen. It will filter in data and information that gives you creative ideas and thoughts you wouldn’t have had otherwise.

Start with these three steps to get your RAS working for you.

STEP ONE:

Pick one area of your life and think of a goal or situation you want–If I could do or have anything I want in that area of my life, what would it be?

STEP TWO

Envision a detailed outcome of what you want. (so clear that if your fairy Godmother came—she’d know exactly what you wanted.)

STEP THREE

Create a mental movie with sounds, conversations, visuals. Replay it often in your mind.

(The more you ‘daydream’ about your goals and the desired outcomes, the bigger your chances of reaching them, as this helps your RAS stay focused on your desired outcome.)

STEP FOUR

Pay attention, follow through and take action on the hints, clues and creative ideas that you receive.  (That’s your intuition providing you with a plan of action to get you to where you want to go.)

Once you start paying attention and following through, more ideas for action steps will be provided for you. You’ll start to gain momentum towards reaching your goals!

Remember–The picture you hold the most in your mind is always the one that wins.  It’s the picture that you focus on over and over that you are asking for the most.  That’s the one that will get stocked or show up in your life.