Five Mindsets to Instantly Improve your Marriage or Significant Relationship

1. Accept that you won’t find the “Perfect Partner”

If you were to divorce your spouse, interview two hundred “replacement” candidates, put them through a battery of psychological tests, have follow-up interviews conducted by your closest friends, spend three years dating the most compatible ones, and then spent several months making sure you made the right choice, you’d still end up with a spouse who disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you, and stumbles in many ways.

Your new spouse might frustrate, upset and disappoint you in different ways, but they will frustrate and disappoint you.

That’s the reality of relationships.  Your spouse is an imperfect human being!  Just like you.

When you accept this, instead of focusing on their flaws and imperfections, you can realize that it’s normal.

Negativity in your relationship is inevitable.

2. Accept the “Reality of Marriage”

Have you ever thought or said, “I have a very difficult marriage…” “I think I married the wrong person…..” “I don’t know if I can keep putting up with this……”

The reality is that every marriage is difficult.   We’re not marrying gods and goddesses! We’re marrying totally imperfect human beings.  How can that possibly be easy?

Once I accept that marriage is difficult, I won’t be as resentful when my marriage is difficult.

Unrealistic expectations (like comparing our marriage to the one in the movies) causes disappointment. Sometimes you look at other couples and think “why can’t we be like that…..” You don’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Most honest people wouldn’t say that marriage is “easy.”

Even though it can be really hard, the key is to hang in there, forgive each other, focus on solutions, improve your attitude and relationship skills, learn to persist when the going is tough.

3. Accept that you may need to “Upgrade your Thinking”

The Bible Verse from Philippians 4:8…has some really good and helpful advice.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

We all tend to dismiss our own faults while magnifying the flaws of our spouse.

We think, but you don’t understand, my spouse really is awful and wrong in the way they are.

Judging our spouses and thinking we’re “better than them” is sure to build resentment in our relationship.  Counting their failures and the errors of their way will not help draw us closer or lead to positive feelings.

Obsessing over your spouse’s weaknesses won’t make them go away. People do that for years and it doesn’t get them anywhere.

Regularly thinking negatively about your spouse’s weaknesses increases your dissatisfaction with them and your marriage; yet, it’s a natural human tendency.

Yes, those weaknesses are there. It may seem contradictory but when you focus on their qualities that you DO appreciate, you have a better chance of them improving on their weaknesses.  (it’s true!)

We all have weaknesses, we all have bad days.  We can be thoughtful, caring and attentive one day, and so aloof, harsh, and critical the next day. You have to give your spouse room to be a less-than-perfect human, to have bad days, and “off days.”

The challenge is that we are more likely to hang on to the memory of the “bad” and “off” days. Negativity is like Velcro, it sticks and Positivity is like Teflon, it slides right off.

Judgements, resentments, criticism and negativity creates the 3 D’s–distance, disconnection and damage.

We do much better when we focus on how we can improve ourselves.  After all, how can we be so judgmental of them when we have so many faults of our own? We should focus more on noticing and improving our own imperfections.

Accept that choosing to overdose on appreciation may be necessary

Find five or six things your spouse does really well—or even just one or two!—and try to overdose on focusing on your appreciation for them.

A true Story

One morning I awoke early and immediately sensed my frustration from the previous evening. We have an issue in our relationship that we had talked to death over the previous two decades. Lisa acknowledged her need to grow in this area, but events of the previous weeks had convinced me that nothing had changed.

I felt resentful, and in my resentful mood, I can slip into what I call “brain suck.” I start building my case. Like a lawyer, I recall every slight, every conversation, and prove to my imaginary jury how wrong my wife is and how right I am.

So, I tried this ‘overdosing on appreciation’ trick.

I started consistently thinking of the qualities in Lisa’s personality for which I feel very thankful. That reminded me of something else, which reminded me of something else, which reminded me of yet another quality. After about fifteen minutes, I literally started to feel completely different towards her.  I saw so much to be thankful for that it seemed preposterous that I should waste time fretting over this single issue.

I highly suggest making use of this powerful tool. We have to give it time—one session of thankfulness will not fully soften a rock-hard heart. But over time, thankfulness makes a steady and persistent friend of affection.

4. Accept that you need to take control of your mind

Your mind will want to remind you where your partner falls short, and it will try to stir up the fire of resentment and anger.  You can count on it.

You’ll find yourself growing resentful: “Why should I appreciate that my husband works hard when he comes home and won’t even talk to me at night?” “Why should I be appreciative that my wife is such a good mother when she’s so critical of me?”

When this starts to happen, start to think about your own weaknesses that you need to work on.  Respond to temptations to judge them by thinking about the areas in your own life that you need to work on.  Take the focus off of them and put the focus on how you can work on improving yourself.

5. We’re All in This Together as Imperfect Humans

Every one of us has an imperfect partner.

We confront different trials, different temptations, and different struggles—but each one of us faces the same reality: living as imperfect people, in an imperfect world, with an imperfect spouse.

Learning to love, appreciate, and to be thankful for that imperfect spouse is one of the most transforming things you can do for your relationship.

It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a PROFITABLE one long-term.

Disclaimer

I feel a need to put this disclaimer in.  I do believe there are situations that happen in marriages, like abuse and addictions where this advice may not apply.  It’s important to do what you need to do in order to stay safe too. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a counselor, personal life coach and speaker specializing in personal development, relationships and empowering mindsets. She helps set you free from stress and negativity so you can start creating a Better You…Better Relationships…Better Life…

Fay also provides workshops and trainings.  Check out her speaking page by  Clicking Here

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personalized Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!   (e-mail fay@fayprairie.com or call 507-829-0181) 

7 Things that you can Control that will make a BIG Difference in your Life

1. What you see and believe about your world

If you believe people are good, then you will find the good in people.

If you believe it’s possible, then you will find possibilities.

If you believe you can do what you set out to do, you will see a way.

If you believe in love and compassion, you will find love and compassion

2. The mindset and meaning you choose to give to everything in life.

Positive people live happier lives than negative people

You are in control of your mindset

Shifting this can change everything

Choose to see the magic in the mess.

Choose to see the power you developed from your pain.

Choose to see the strength you gained from your struggles.

Choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

3. The amount of kindness and compassion you give to yourself and others

When you give kindness and compassion, the universe returns with interest

Giving kindness and compassion to others not only lifts them but it lifts you too.

Choose kindness over the need to be right.

If you want more love, give more love

If you want more kindness, be kinder

If you want a better friend, then be a better friend

You will attract back to you what you give out.

If you want a better co-worker, then be a better co-worker

If you want better communication, then be a better communicator

If you want to be closer to someone, then try to share more and allow yourself to be closer to them

Regardless of what others do, be kind

And watch others around you start to change

It’s easy to be kind to those who are being kind to us

But the real challenge is to be kind to those who aren’t

4. Put in the Effort to improve yourself

You must put in the work if you want the results

You are always in control of the amount and quality of work and effort you put into improving yourself

You are always in control of your own self-development and growth

You must be growing in order to expand your mind and soul

You must be growing and learning in order to improve your life

You must be growing and learning to become strong enough to handle obstacles and challenges with more ease

Commit to self-growth

Anything that makes you feel better

Anything that makes you stronger, wiser and more powerful

5. You are in charge of your level of gratitude

There’s no better way to improve your day or your life than to have gratitude for what you do have

What is great in your life right now?

What can you appreciate today?

Spend a lot of time on gratitude. All successful people have learned the importance of gratitude!

6. Choose to be in the present moment

Most people live almost exclusively in their head

Stuck in an endless cycle of worry and anxiety about the future

Stuck in an endless cycle of regret about the past

Stuck in an endless cycle of thoughts that don’t offer real value to their life.

Be one of the few who lives in the present moment.

Enjoy the little things.

Leave your phones and devices behind more often and enjoy who you are with and what you are doing without all those distractions.

Get out of your head—out of the past or the future and be in the NOW.

It’s the happiest place to be!

7. Choose who you surround yourself with

Are you around people who give you energy or people who drain your energy?

Choose to be around people who give you energy, who lift you up, who get you, and that allow you to be you.

When you take control and choose

these seven areas in your life,

you will make a BIG positive

difference in your life.

Is it good or is it bad?

An old Chinese farmer lost his best stallion one day and his neighbor came around to express his regrets, “that’s too bad you lost your horse.”

The farmer just said, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.”

The next day the stallion returned bringing with him 3 wild mares. The neighbor rushed back to celebrate with the farmer, “that’s so wonderful that you gained 3 new mares.”

The farmer simply said, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.”

The following day, the farmer’s son fell from one of the wild mares while trying to break her in and broke his arm and injured his leg.

The neighbor came by to give his condolences, “that’s too bad your son fell and hurt himself,”

The old farmer just said, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.”

The next day the army came to the farm to enlist the farmer’s son for the war, but found him invalid and left him with his father.

The neighbor thought to himself, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.” – 

Taoist parable

We use good-or-bad to categorize nearly everything in our lives — events, people, food, decisions and it’s a trap that causes us emotional pain.

The lesson of the story is that it’s just a matter of time until good things are born out of the seemingly bad, and vice versa.

What is bad leads to good leads to bad leads to good. The farmer is wise enough to know it all comes out in the wash.

How can we use this story to help us handle life’s challenging situations?

When you experience a “bad” event, try to imagine what possible good could come out of it, even if it’s many years from now or even if it just makes you more empathetic or prepared next time.

Not convinced? Look back on something bad from your past and connect the dots between that event and real happiness or something good that came later as a direct result of that breakup, layoff, sickness etc.

We often fail to see what long-term effect can be born out of what is happening now.

Once you can get into the habit of trying to find the good inside of the bad, you will start to temper your reactions to the peaks and valleys in your life.

With so much unpredictability and chaos in our uncertain world, I’ve learned that sometimes it doesn’t really help the situation to label it as “good” or “bad”.  But rather, we need to say “it is what it is.”  All the overanalysis, overthinking and overlabeling doesn’t really accomplish anything worthwhile.

In fact, often times it makes us feel worse.  We get stressed out, anxious and overwhelmed when things are different  (BAD) from the way we believe they ought to be (GOOD).

Then we feel hurt, disappointed, upset, resentful, etc.

In order to better deal with life, we need to accept that life is supposed to be unpredictable, good, bad, ugly, and great all rolled up together.

Is there something in your life that you’d like to change?

Maybe–

• Improve a relationship?
• Overcome anxiety stress or worry?
• Increase your peace and happiness?
• Lose some weight?
• Or, maybe you’d like to be more focused and productive?

Most of us have an area of our life where we feel frustrated and stuck.

What would improve your life?

Often we know what we need to do but we still don’t do it.

It’s like we’re locked in a jail cell and we keep living the same way– day after day–over and over again. We know the changes we want to make but we just can’t seem to make it happen.

Neuroscience shows that our mind has POWERFUL capabilities to make changes in our life.

So, why don’t we do it?

A BIG thing that holds us back is FEAR.

Three types of FEAR that keep us stuck.

1. FEAR OF PAIN and DISCOMFORT

It will be agony and pain to make those changes! It will be torture and misery to do the things you need to do! It will be stressful and frustrating! You just want to avoid all of those uncomfortable feelings. Your mind tries to keep you in your comfort zone even if long term it’s really more miserable than making the change. The unfamiliar is scary.

2. FEAR OF IT BEING TOO DIFFICULT

It’s too hard! It will take so much work! I’m going to have to focus, learn new things—it will take so much energy and time. I’ll have to do this and I’ll have to do that and it’s just too overwhelming to even think about it! I’ll do it ‘someday’ when I have more time and energy. (even though quite frequently-someday-never comes)

3. FEAR OF ALL YOUR EFFORT BEING DONE FOR NOTHING

What if I go through all that work, spend all that time trying and nothing changes anyway.

What if:

• I gain the weight back?
• My relationship is still bad?
• I’m still not happy?
• I’m still anxious and stressed out?
• I can’t do it?
• It’s just not possible for me?
• Nothing ever changes?

When you think all those NEGATIVE things, your body releases CHEMICALS into your system that make you FREEZE.

You don’t go forward with making the changes in your life.

These three FEAR MINDSETS keep you stuck in that jail cell where you really don’t want to be!

You start to replay these thoughts over and over again in your mindthey become habitual thoughts that keep you stuck in the same jail cell day after day.

You associate PAIN to CHANGE. It’s easier to just stay where you are, even if it is miserable.

So, even though you are holding the key to unlock the jail cell, you stay in it.

What are you missing out on in your life by continuing to live with things the way they are?

When we first start making changes, it’s like a rocket ship taking off from earth. It takes an immense amount of fuel and energy to get the rocket off the ground but once it’s in flight, the fuel and energy usage tapers off tremendously.

It’s the same way for us; it can take what feels like a tremendous amount of energy to get moving and making changes but once we get into the flow of it, the amount of work and energy it takes levels off and it becomes much easier.

We FEAR the PAIN of that initial startup and think it’s going to continue to be that difficult the entire time.

Remember that getting off the ground or getting started uses the majority of the fuel and energy.

It’s your mind’s job to keep you in your comfort zone and even though there’s an area of your life that would really benefit from making changes, the FEAR of pain FEAR of difficulty FEAR of inability to do it keeps you locked in that jail cell.

But, you do hold the key to get yourself out!

What would your life be like if you could learn to reorient your mind around pain so you could start to move past it and move towards pleasure and creating the life you want to live?

Sometimes making changes can be difficult to do on your own. What if you had someone to walk along your side, to support and encourage you when things seem too PAINFUL?

Contact Fay to see how personal life coaching can help you change the mindsets that are keeping you stuck in that same jail cell day after day.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a counselor, personal life coach and speaker specializing in personal development, relationships and empowering mindsets. She helps set you free from stress and negativity so you can start creating a Better You…Better Relationships…Better Life…

Fay also provides workshops and trainings.  Check out her speaking page by  Clicking Here

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personalized Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!   (e-mail fay@fayprairie.com or call 507-829-0181)