This SKILL has the AMAZING POWER to
ELEVATE every relationship

People don’t need to be rescued from
their emotions; what they need is
someone to LISTEN and
VALIDATE their emotions.

People need to know:
• Someone is on their side
• Someone is there to hear, accept, and understand how they feel.

Too often we try to talk people out of their feelings or get defensive and tell them why they’re wrong for feeling the way they do.

The simple act of identifying and validating someone’s emotions can:

• Diffuse anger
• Clarify needs
• Help people to see solutions
• Decrease Conflicts/Disagreements
• Opens the flow of communication

Invalidating, ignoring, or trying to
talk someone out of their emotions
can actually intensify them.

VALIDATION-LISTEN WITH UNDERSTANDING

1. Listen to how the other person is feeling
2. Ask questions to show that you are interested and want to understand them correctly.
3. Allow them to safely share their thoughts and feelings
4. Express warmth and acceptance

 Don’t judge what they are saying
 Even though you may disagree with something they are saying, their feelings about the situation are real and important to them.
 Expressing warmth shows that you care about them and how they feel and that their feelings matter
 Acknowledge and accept their feelings
 Communicates to person that you understand and respect where he is coming from
 Identify the primary feeling they are having and then reflect back the feeling with understanding and empathy.
 People yearn for acceptance of their feelings.

Invalidation: Reject, ignore, or judge someone’s feelings. (Shuts down the flow of communication.)
• Judging

o You shouldn’t be feeling that way.
o Discounting Feelings/Minimizing
 People are uncomfortable with emotions and will sometimes try to convince you that your feelings are inappropriate. Often the message is that it’s not okay to feel whatever you are feeling. It’s not that big of a deal. Just get over it.
 Giving Advice/Trying to solve the problem
 People want you to listen and understand their feelings without forcing a lecture on them. (Just do this or do that and you will feel better.)
 Not responding at all
 The person doesn’t feel listened to when you sit there without saying anything.

If there is a communication breakdown between two people, it can often be taken down by chipping away at it with validation.

Why would we feel free to talk to someone who judges, discounts, minimizes or lectures us?

We feel much more open to someone who displays understanding and acceptance of our feelings without judgment.

Examples

SITUATION

Your son didn’t follow through on an assignment and is complaining about the harshness he received from his teacher.

Invalidating Response (usually what first comes to our minds)

“Well, that’s what happens when you don’t get your work done on time.”

(this response will discourage them
from feeling free to talk to you in the future)

Validating Response

“That must have felt awful”

(now they feel understood and feel more
open to communicate with you in the future)

Validating doesn’t mean that you agree with them or what they’ve done but that you understand how they feel.

Most people have a hard time validating someone’s feelings because they think the other person will think they condone the way they have behaved or handled a situation.

On the contrary, they may own up to their own behavior when they feel validated.

SITUATION

“If the neighbor parks in my spot again, I’m going to let all the air out of their tires.”

Invalidating Response

“Oh, settle down. Don’t get so worked up about it. He is our neighbor.” (minimizing and judging)

Validating Response

“Wow, you sound really angry with him.”

It’s so easy to try to talk someone out of the way they feel-we think we’re doing them a favor by calming them down but they really need us to understand how they feel.

Validating their feelings is actually a way to help them calm down.

SITUATION

Friend: “I haven’t gotten into any of the schools I applied to.”

Invalidating Response

“Did you wait until the last minute to apply?” (judging)

Or

“I’m sure it will work out-just stop worrying about it!” (dismissing their feelings)

Validating Response:

“That must be disappointing for you.”

SITUATION

A mother and father took their son to the doctor. She sensed his fear and asked him if he was scared; before he had a chance to respond, the Dad said in a scolding tone:

Invalidating Response

“There’s nothing to be scared of!” (discounting feelings) (making the child to feel even worse)

Simple responses to validate feelings

• • I hear you
  • That hurts
  • That’s no good
  • That’s no fun
  • Wow, that’s a lot to deal with
  • I would feel the same way
  • I’d feel sad/hurt/jealous/angry etc. too
  • That sounds discouraging
  • That must really hurt
  • You seem worried, troubled, scared
  • You look pretty sad
  • That must have been hard

Begin to use validation of feelings in your
relationships and you will see how powerful this one small change can be!

It’s amazing how good it can feel to be HEARD, UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED!

Be mindful of how you feel when people either validate or invalidate your feelings.

Be mindful of how you are responding to other people’s feelings.

Be mindful of how other people respond when you validate or invalidate their feelings.

Can you notice a difference?

If you’d like to find out how personal life coaching can help you, Contact Fay for a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute consultation.
_______________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a counselor, personal life coach and speaker specializing in relationships and POSITIVE, empowering mindsets.

She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, and depression, so you can be a Better You, have Better Relationships and live a Better Life!

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to
discover how Personal Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!

E-mail: fay@fayprairie.com
Call: 507-829-0181

Fay also provides workshops and trainings for businesses and schools. Check out her speaking page by Clicking Here

!Have you taken your ‘funprint’ lately?

When is the last time you really had FUN?

Think about it-the last time you just let yourself forget about all your responsibilities, let go and had a good time?

We all have a “funprint” and like your “thumbprint” it’s unique.

Research says that we are most productive, persistent, creative, and flexible when we’re engaged in precisely the combination of activities that brings us maximum FUN.

However, we get so caught up in the things we need and should do that we forget the importance of having FUN in our life. It seems ‘frivolous’ and ‘unproductive’. Yet, truly, having FUN in our life helps us to accomplish more.

You don’t need to go on a pricey vacation or buy a lot of stuff to have FUN. Sometimes it’s just having good conversations with people you enjoy.

There is always time to have FUN. Even if it’s just for fifteen minutes.

You’ve got one life to live.

Telling yourself, “I’ll have fun when…” is a real bummer.

Have fun now!

Life is too short to wait.

Reasons to Make Sure you Include Fun in your Life

• Having fun helps you to be more successful in everything you do!
• Having fun improves relationships.
• Research shows that couples who are happy know how to have fun together.
• Conflict resolution skills are improved when we’re having fun in life.
• Laughter and fun increases empathy, compassion, trust, and intimacy.
• Happiness is contagious-it spreads like a virus.
• If you’re happy, you increase the odds that your close friends and family will be happy too.
• Decades of research has shown that play releases endorphins–decreases our stress and increases our happiness
• Less stress, better health.
• Less stress can improve our memory and concentration.
• Laughter and fun can be some of the best medicine you take.
• Laughing and having fun helps you to be a more positive person.
• Laughing and engaging in a pleasurable physical activity helps balance your hormones which has an amazing impact on your mood and how you feel. (which has a ripple effect on everything in your life)

What makes you happy?
What do you love to do?

How can you create more play, fun
and laughter in your life?

Three Strategies to help find your “Fun-Print”

Strategy 1: Finding what makes you SMILE

Sit down with a notebook and list things you enjoy-anything from petting your cat to watching a good movie. Look for the ones that light you up and make you smile.

Then seriously commit to including these things in your life.

Strategy 2: Revisit your Childhood

Genetic research suggests that our fun preferences are largely inborn and remain consistent throughout life. The time when we’re free to act on them is usually childhood, so that’s a great place to look for your “funprint.”

List things you remember enjoying as a child. Pay particular attention to things that made you “lose time,” so that hours seemed to disappear in seconds. What absorbed you that completely? Telling stories? Climbing trees? Playing dress-up? Then try to incorporate some of that into your life.

Strategy 3: Real-time research.

Keep a “fun journal” on a calendar. Jot down a brief list of your daily activities and give each one a fun “score,” with zero meaning no fun and ten meaning fun-tabulous.

As the days go by, you’ll begin to see which activities and people yield the most fun-and you may be surprised. It might be really simple things like eating crackers and cheese in bed versus going out for a fancy meal.

Sometimes, fun doesn’t just happen to you.

You need to take action and find ways to make small and fresh changes to get you out of the same-o, same-o routine.

Don’t wait for someone else to take the lead. Be creative and start taking action to make your life more “FUN”……………

Here’s a few ideas…..

Be curious about people. Meet someone new or get to know someone better.

Read an adventure novel or thriller. Enjoy your excitement vicariously through a juicy, good book.

Watch a funny movie. Have some good laughs.

Write out your life vision. Spend some time thinking about your ideal life filled fun, excitement and adventure. Write down the actions you could take to get yourself there.

Learn something new. Join a group to learn a new skill or a hobby. You will open doors to meeting new people who share your interests and gain a sense of achievement.

Get out of the house. Step away from the TV or computer. Take a walk with a friend. Go to the bookstore and browse.

Go on a weekend excursion. Plan a fun getaway.

Test drive a new car. Go take a spin behind the wheel of your favorite car. (even if you can’t buy it right now)

Arrange a special evening. Surprise your beloved with a romantic evening.

Try an unusual recipe. Cook something that you’ve never tried before and invite someone over to share it.

Plan an adventure trip. Even if you can’t afford to take a trip now, just researching, planning, and dreaming can give you a boost and build excitement for the time when you can afford it.

Get a makeover. Get a new haircut, have your make-up done by a pro, buy a new outfit, or try a new style. It’s even more fun if you do this with a friend.

Shake up your morning routine. Instead of following the same wake-up routine every day, start your day off different. Get up ten minutes early and have breakfast outside. Turn off the TV and put on music. Make love before work.

Be the host. Take the initiative to entertain, and invite friends or family over for dinner or something different – like a wine tasting or game night.

Move your furniture. Rearrange or redecorate a room, switching things up enough that it feels new and different.

Go cheer. Attend a competitive, fast-paced event, like basketball, or racing where the energy and excitement of the sport is contagious

GO HAVE SOME FUN!!

_______________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a personal life coach and speaker specializing in relationships and POSITIVE, empowering mindsets.

She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, and depression, so you can be a Better You, have Better Relationships and live a Better Life!

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to
discover how Personal Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!

E-mail: fay@fayprairie.com
Call: 507-829-0181

Fay also provides workshops and trainings for businesses and schools. Check out her speaking page by Clicking Here

Some of you know that Fay lost her son to suicide in 2009. The journey of healing has led Fay to begin presenting her story along with what she has learned as a mother/counselor/coach to help SAVE LIVES. check out her story by clicking here

A woman was telling me that her boss was a very negative person. It felt like he constantly criticized and berated her about her work, even though other people consistently told her that she did a great job.

He was making her life miserable, but she needed the job and she actually liked her job.

She asked me what she should do.

I’ve really learned in life that the best place to start out is to talk to them.

Sometimes people don’ t even realize how they are coming across until they are called out on it and sometimes once you have the courage to call them out on it, they’ll start trying to be better.

Often, the reason someone bullies another is that they can get by with it. When you stop letting them treat you that way and you start calling them out on it and standing up for yourself, things can change.

I told her, the next time he criticizes you for any reason, turn to him, look him straight in the eye and say quite firmly,

“I would appreciate if you not talk to me like that ever again. It hurts my feelings and stops me from doing as good a job as you would like.”

If you’re not used to speaking up for yourself, this can take a tremendous amount of courage.

It was extremely hard for her but, she did it and she was amazed at how much it helped.

He drastically reduced the number of times he talked down to her. She continued to practice her skills by saying it each time it happened.

She’s now utterly amazed that he has almost completely stopped talking to her in that way.

He’s even caught himself a few times and apologized.

She said, “You mean I could have ended his bad temper and treatment of me a long time ago if I had only had the courage to confront him directly the first time it happened?”

• How many times is there something we’d like to say to someone but we’re afraid so we keep silent and hold it inside?
• How many times could a candid conversation with someone clear the air and save us days/weeks/months of pain and frustration?

Yet, we see the worst case scenario happening in our mind and become so fearful of it that we shy away from saying what needs to be said.

Often, when you identify the fear and move towards it, it grows smaller and more manageable.

In contrast, when you back away from a fear-inducing situation or person, your fear grows larger and larger.

Soon it dominates your thinking and preoccupies
you during the day and keeps you up at night.

Fear of confronting it is very common, yet the best way to deal with fear is to address it head on.

Your ability to confront, deal with and act in spite of your fears is the key to happiness and success.

You can start practicing now–Identify a person or situation in your life of which you are afraid and resolve to deal with that fear situation immediately.

Resolve to confront the situation or person
and put the fear behind you.

Take action now to work towards dissolving your unhappiness around the situation or person.

Remember the definition of courage is:
Feel the Fear and do it Anyway.

______________________________________________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a personal life coach and speaker specializing in relationships and POSITIVE, empowering mindsets.

She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, and depression, so you can be a Better You, have Better Relationships and live a Better Life!

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personal Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!

Are you rolling around in this?

What would you say about a person who never takes out their garbage?

They leave it stored in their drawers, in their cupboards, in plastic totes and boxes all around the house.

You’d probably call them a hoarder.

Let’s say, in addition, from time to time, they pull it out, spread it all over the floor and roll in it, sometimes for hours.

Sounds pretty ridiculous, right?

Yet, we all do something very similar to this, and it makes our life stink!!

We all hold onto garbage: resentments, anger, past embarrassing situations, negative thoughts, out dated ways of thinking.

Every once in a while we pull them out and roll around in them. (sometimes for days)

Some of the garbage may look like this

• “How dare they talk to me like that, treat me like that, do that, etc….”
• “Well, I’ll show them they can’t get by with that……”
• “Things have been horrible and they’ll never get any better…..”
• “I can’t believe I did or said that….what’s wrong with me…..”

As we roll around in our garbage, our anger, resentment, embarrassment, and negativity expands.

Lesson: Take your garbage out as soon as you can, and don’t go try to get it back off the truck or back off the burn pile.

Let it go. When you roll around in it, it stinks up your life!!