This SKILL has the AMAZING POWER to
ELEVATE every relationship
People don’t need to be rescued from
their emotions; what they need is
someone to LISTEN and
VALIDATE their emotions.
People need to know:
• Someone is on their side
• Someone is there to hear, accept, and understand how they feel.
Too often we try to talk people out of their feelings or get defensive and tell them why they’re wrong for feeling the way they do.
The simple act of identifying and validating someone’s emotions can:
• Diffuse anger
• Clarify needs
• Help people to see solutions
• Decrease Conflicts/Disagreements
• Opens the flow of communication
Invalidating, ignoring, or trying to
talk someone out of their emotions
can actually intensify them.
VALIDATION-LISTEN WITH UNDERSTANDING
1. Listen to how the other person is feeling
2. Ask questions to show that you are interested and want to understand them correctly.
3. Allow them to safely share their thoughts and feelings
4. Express warmth and acceptance
Don’t judge what they are saying
Even though you may disagree with something they are saying, their feelings about the situation are real and important to them.
Expressing warmth shows that you care about them and how they feel and that their feelings matter
Acknowledge and accept their feelings
Communicates to person that you understand and respect where he is coming from
Identify the primary feeling they are having and then reflect back the feeling with understanding and empathy.
People yearn for acceptance of their feelings.
Invalidation: Reject, ignore, or judge someone’s feelings. (Shuts down the flow of communication.)
• Judging
o You shouldn’t be feeling that way.
o Discounting Feelings/Minimizing
People are uncomfortable with emotions and will sometimes try to convince you that your feelings are inappropriate. Often the message is that it’s not okay to feel whatever you are feeling. It’s not that big of a deal. Just get over it.
Giving Advice/Trying to solve the problem
People want you to listen and understand their feelings without forcing a lecture on them. (Just do this or do that and you will feel better.)
Not responding at all
The person doesn’t feel listened to when you sit there without saying anything.
If there is a communication breakdown between two people, it can often be taken down by chipping away at it with validation.
Why would we feel free to talk to someone who judges, discounts, minimizes or lectures us?
We feel much more open to someone who displays understanding and acceptance of our feelings without judgment.
Examples
SITUATION
Your son didn’t follow through on an assignment and is complaining about the harshness he received from his teacher.
Invalidating Response (usually what first comes to our minds)
“Well, that’s what happens when you don’t get your work done on time.”
(this response will discourage them
from feeling free to talk to you in the future)
Validating Response
“That must have felt awful”
(now they feel understood and feel more
open to communicate with you in the future)
Validating doesn’t mean that you agree with them or what they’ve done but that you understand how they feel.
Most people have a hard time validating someone’s feelings because they think the other person will think they condone the way they have behaved or handled a situation.
On the contrary, they may own up to their own behavior when they feel validated.
SITUATION
“If the neighbor parks in my spot again, I’m going to let all the air out of their tires.”
Invalidating Response
“Oh, settle down. Don’t get so worked up about it. He is our neighbor.” (minimizing and judging)
Validating Response
“Wow, you sound really angry with him.”
It’s so easy to try to talk someone out of the way they feel-we think we’re doing them a favor by calming them down but they really need us to understand how they feel.
Validating their feelings is actually a way to help them calm down.
SITUATION
Friend: “I haven’t gotten into any of the schools I applied to.”
Invalidating Response
“Did you wait until the last minute to apply?” (judging)
Or
“I’m sure it will work out-just stop worrying about it!” (dismissing their feelings)
Validating Response:
“That must be disappointing for you.”
SITUATION
A mother and father took their son to the doctor. She sensed his fear and asked him if he was scared; before he had a chance to respond, the Dad said in a scolding tone:
Invalidating Response
“There’s nothing to be scared of!” (discounting feelings) (making the child to feel even worse)
Simple responses to validate feelings
- • I hear you
• That hurts
• That’s no good
• That’s no fun
• Wow, that’s a lot to deal with
• I would feel the same way
• I’d feel sad/hurt/jealous/angry etc. too
• That sounds discouraging
• That must really hurt
• You seem worried, troubled, scared
• You look pretty sad
• That must have been hard
Begin to use validation of feelings in your
relationships and you will see how powerful this one small change can be!
It’s amazing how good it can feel to be HEARD, UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED!
Be mindful of how you feel when people either validate or invalidate your feelings.
Be mindful of how you are responding to other people’s feelings.
Be mindful of how other people respond when you validate or invalidate their feelings.
Can you notice a difference?
If you’d like to find out how personal life coaching can help you, Contact Fay for a FREE, NO OBLIGATION 30 minute consultation.
_______________________________________________
Fay Prairie is a counselor, personal life coach and speaker specializing in relationships and POSITIVE, empowering mindsets.
She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, and depression, so you can be a Better You, have Better Relationships and live a Better Life!
Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to
discover how Personal Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!
E-mail: fay@fayprairie.com
Call: 507-829-0181
Fay also provides workshops and trainings for businesses and schools. Check out her speaking page by Clicking Here
