Caring, Connection and Cooperation
The 3 C’s we all Need
1. Take them seriously. Don’t dismiss their story because you don’t feel like it’s a big deal. It is a big deal to them and they need someone to truly understand how they are feeling.
2. Listen. Stop what you are doing and give them your full attention. The gift of listening to someone who is troubled is a great gift to give. You may have to be patient as it can take time for the story to come out.
3. Help them express their feelings. Ask questions to help them express their feelings but let them do the talking. Just being able to verbalize their situation and process their feelings out loud can be a healing experience.
4. Don’t discount their feelings. Be careful that you don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. It’s easy to want to convince someone that the way they feel is wrong, but what they really need is for you to hear and validate how they feel.
5. Use comforting words to help soothe them. Help them know that they can get through this and things can get better. Humans need three positive emotions to lift them up for every negative emotion that drags us down.
6. Help them reframe the question, “What’s wrong with me?” to “What is wrong with people who treat people this way?”
7. Ask them what solutions they can think of. This is a good opportunity for them to take an obstacle in their life and brainstorm solutions. You may make small suggestions but let this be their learning opportunity to problem solve. (dependent upon seriousness of bullying situation)
8. Teach assertiveness skills by role playing. Act out the bullying behavior and help them role play different responses they could try. Practicing assertiveness skills will make it more likely they’ll use it in a real situation.
9. Let them know you are there for them. Check back in with them and see how they are doing. Just knowing that a supportive, caring person is there to help can make a big difference in our ability to handle a situation.
Sound advice, Fay. Great prompts for shifting the focus for a more objective view for finding answers and solutions.
Love this! Our son had some issues at school for a few years and it was very challenging for all of us. #6 is a great one to help turn shame into perspective and #8 really builds confidence. Most importantly is #9. Years later my son was asked who was in his life he could really talk to and he wrote, ‘Mom’. Brought tears to my eyes to know he feels he can share with me, and does in nightly conversations. Thanks Fay!
Love your suggestions to support a bullied child. Often you can’t solve the problem for them, but these prompts can help start a real conversation and help them explore ways to deal with it.
Fay, these are great suggestions. Especially the checking back in one, to continue that supported feeling. And role playing some responses. It’s such a feeling of helplessness to hear about bullying that you don’t see — your suggestions are great for both folks in that situation. Carry on! Angela