Could Perfectionism actually be a Weakness?

Do you ever ‘kinda brag’about being a perfectionist?

Unlike other obsessions and addictions, perfectionism is something a lot of people celebrate, believing it’s an asset.

But true perfectionism can actually get in the way of productivity and happiness.

I recently read “Feeling Good” by David Burns and he says that in his more than 35,000 therapy sessions he has learned that:

“perfectionism is arguably the surest way to undermine happiness and productivity.”

He states that there is a difference between the healthy pursuit of excellence and neurotic perfectionism, but he states that in the pursuit of excellence, people often fall into perfectionism.

• Have you ever obsessed over a report when your boss said it was already plenty good enough?
• Have you ever lost an object of little importance but just had to keep looking for it?
• Do people often tell you, “Just let it go”?

Aiming for “perfect” instead of “good enough” can seriously backfire.

This happened to me when I was getting ready to do a workshop. I took a lot of time to understand the group’s needs and personalize the materials for them. The truth is that I already had materials I had used several times with great results to use. But my wanting to make it “perfect” led me to scrap all of that and redo the whole thing.

The result, it wasn’t as good because it was all new and redone. I felt jumbled and not as comfortable with my slides. If I had shot for average instead of perfect, I would have been more at ease, less anxious and done a much better job.

A new mindset that I’ve implemented from this is to:

“Aim for Average.”

 

Things have become must easier in my life when I aim for average instead of perfectionism.

Overachievers have such high expectations of themselves.

So instead of pushing yourself to give 100% (or 110%, whatever that means) you can go for giving 75% or 50% of what you usually might offer.

My new mantra,
“Done is better than perfect” –

That’s not to excuse shoddy work.

Rather, the idea is to get work done and move forward rather than being held back by perfectionism. (perfectionism can be so stressful and so time consuming)

It’s better to have things complete and done than flawless…..

Sometimes, perfectionist procrastinate because they have the fear of it not being done flawlessly.

They increase their anxiety with the fear that it may not turn out “perfect” or that someone will find a flaw.

That anxiety begins to be what fuels them to work, work, and work. Yet, the anxiety inside of them isn’t healthy for them, physically or mentally.

Aiming to be average can be really hard for a perfectionist and it can take a lot of courage and strength to allow themselves to do something “average.”

Yet, the physical and mental health benefits are worth it.

In the book, Burns states: “There are two doors to enlightenment. One is marked, ‘Perfection’ and the other is marked, ‘Average.’ The ‘Perfection’ door is ornate, fancy, and seductive… So you try to go through the ‘Perfection’ door and always discover a brick wall on the other side…

On the other side of the ‘Average’ door, in contrast, there’s a magic garden. But it may have never occurred to you to open the door to take a look.

He also wrote, “Much of our suffering derives from our perfectionism, and our belief that we should be ‘special.’

But when you don’t have to be special, life becomes more special.

Actually, there is no perfectionism. It’s just a con game; it promises riches and delivers misery.

The harder you strive for perfectionism, the worse your disappointment will become.

Every single thing you ever do can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough. So, if you are a perfectionist, you’re guaranteed to be a loser because nothing will ever be good enough.

If this sounds like you, try to do something really, really hard.

Aim to be average for a day.

 

You could also make a list of all the advantages and disadvantages of being a perfectionist. It can help you to see that it’s not that advantageous to you to be a perfectionist.

So, again. I challenge you to aim for AVERAGE and see how it lightens up the pressure and anxiety in your life.

5 Masks We Wear and

Why We Should Take Them Off

 

How do you try to portray yourself to the people around you?

Are you truly yourself?

Or do you wear a mask?

We want to be liked.

We want to fit in. 

We often believe that who we really are deep down inside could never be liked, accepted or loved enough.

So, we put on a mask. A mask that we think people would like better than showing who we really are.

What mask(s) do you wear?

What if we could all take off our masks and be more of who we really are?

What if you were in a room with everyone you knew and all of a sudden a huge wind came up and blew off everyone’s mask. Everyone is exposed, maybe the first time, for who they really truly are, imperfections and all.

Now imagine that instead of using this vulnerability against one another you patted each other on the back, encouraged uniqueness and supported one another.

Isn’t it kinda sad that we’re afraid to be who we really are?

Isn’t it kinda sad that we feel like we’re not good enough?

That if people knew how we truly thought and felt, they wouldn’t like us, they wouldn’t approve of us?

Why can’t we relax and just be ourselves?

Authenticity is a genuine, quiet fulfillment and confidence that lowers our anxiety, self-doubt and stress.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Wearing a mask and pretending that we’re something or someone we’re not, (like constantly pretending we’ve got it together, or acting like we feel one way when we really feel another) is draining and emotionally taxing on us.

Below are five of the most common masks we wear.

Mask One:  “I’ve got it all together”

We’re all performing!

• We pretend we have it all together because we don’t want other people to see how much we don’t.
• We hate to let people know how far from perfect we feel our life really is.
• We compare ourselves to someone else and feel we should have our life more together like they do.

When I tell people how I struggle with self-doubt and insecurity– I’m surprised at how often people reply—“Really-you feel that way-I never would have guessed it.”

When we take off our mask and share our struggles with people instead of trying to come across like we have it all together, we increase our connection with others. Everyone has similar issues; no one has a perfect life and we all have struggles.

Don’t be afraid to show your imperfections. You’d be very surprised to learn how much we all have in common in the area of feeling ‘less than’……

Our imperfections make us human, unique and relatable.

Life is life, it will never be perfect. 

But exposing your true imperfect self opens you up to a world of deeper, meaningful, and supportive relationships.

 Mask Two: “I’m so STRONG” 

I’m amazed at how many people PRETEND to be strong even when everything is falling apart inside. It takes even more energy to hide how much you’re struggling.

Coping with and juggling everything life throws at you can be tough.

We look at other people and think “they’ve got it all together-why can’t I be as strong as they are?”

Not wanting to admit that we aren’t, we PRETEND.

Pretending takes a lot of ENERGY….

You’d be amazed at how often you’d find out that the people you think are so STRONG are struggling inside just like you are.

It’s ok to be weak sometimes and ask for HELP. You don’t have to always pretend that you’re STRONG.

It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to put on a mask of strength and portray that you’ve got it all together.

Open yourself up to love and support. Tell others your fears, hopes and hurts. People care about you, people want to help you.

You don’t need to pretend how strong you are and that everything is okay.

Take off your mask and let other people help you.

Mask Three: “I’ve got it all figured out” 

We all want people to think highly of us.

Have you ever felt the ‘imposter’ syndrome?

It’s that gnawing feeling of not being good enough, not knowing enough, and being on the verge of being found out.

There’s something wrong with me and I’ll never get it together like I should. We try to keep this imperfection hid from other people by pretending that we’ve got it all figured out.

Many people in professional positions feel this.

The Lawyer —“I’ll screw up and people will find out what an imposter I am.”

The Doctor—“I have no idea how I even got into med school.”

It’d be great to feel like we always have it together, but you can’t avoid feeling failure, doubt and disappointment at times. That’s completely normal.

It’s okay to throw off the mask and stop expecting ‘superior’ qualities and just start appreciating that you’re a human who has failures and insecurities..

Mask Four: “Be Nice” 

Like most people, I want people to like me. I want to keep people happy.

Frequently in my life, I have put other people’s needs first because I don’t want them to be upset and I don’t want to alienate them. I want to keep them happy.

But, what expense is that to me?

I used to:

• Agree too much with others
• Wouldn’t say no
• Felt afraid to stand up to people
• Was deathly afraid of conflict.

I was often resentful when people weren’t treating me right or returning my own kindness.

It’s been a learning process to balance this ‘nice persona’ with making myself happy first.

It’s important to gradually peel off the mask of

people pleasing because it can make you miserable.

Putting your needs first, is the only way to truly love and be there for others, much like putting your oxygen mask on first in a crashing plane.

You’re no good to anyone if you’re drained and depleted.

Mask Five: “Grumpy” 

Have you ever known a really negative, grumpy person?

Some people love to put other’s down and complain every opportunity they get.

Why?

What purpose could this mask possibly bring?

Being a jerk is an intimidation factor, and an overcompensation for a lack of confidence.

Mean, negative behavior, like bullying, and aggression are often attempts to protect the fragile self-esteem.

They’ve been hurt and this mask protects them from being embarrassed, hurt or rejected again.

This mask is usually a sign of repressed, negative things inside that need to be healed, and until they are healed, they will keep getting projected out at other people.

What negative, grumpy people really need is a

lot more love, yet ironically, this mask keeps pushing other people away.

Be Authentic

Take Off Your Masks

 

Some people reach a point in their life when they are completely exhausted from wearing a mask(s)

It may be because of a major life obstacle; death, illness, divorce, complete unhappiness—–and they no longer have the energy to hold up all the masks.

They’re no longer willing to tolerate all the pain they’re feeling and they’re ready to just let all the masks go and be their authentic selves.

Take these steps to start peeling off the masks that no longer fit in your life.

STEP ONE: 

Notice what masks you are wearing. Being your truest and honest self begins with being brave enough to pay attention to the situations and circumstances under which you put on that mask.

 

STEP TWO: 

Start to peel away your masks. Allow yourself to be okay with who you really are. We all have a unique set of fingerprints for a reason. Once you learn to view yourself as a needed, necessary and wanted being, your confidence in your uniqueness will be contagious. Everyone has a story, and we all have a chapter we’d like to rip out of our book of life. Authenticity comes when you realize that you define who you are now and who you desire to be.

 

STEP THREE: 

Remind yourself that you’re not alone. Your most quirky qualities, embarrassing stories or difficult moments have the power to connect you to others. People like others who are open, comfortable with themselves, and who acknowledge imperfections.

 

STEP FOUR:

Focus on the goal of connection.

Your relationships will ultimately be better when you can be authentic and real with the people in your life.

 

If you want to form deep and meaningful relationships with others, you must show vulnerability. This means letting down your guard enough to let others in.

I think we’ll always wear some form of a mask in certain situations but I also think that we could all benefit from making it a goal to wear that mask less often.

Can you start taking that mask off more often and truly be yourself?

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Fay Prairie is a personal life coach and speaker specializing in relationships and POSITIVE, empowering mindsets.

She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, and depression, so you can be a Better You, have Better Relationships and live a Better Life!

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personal Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!

E-mail:  fay@fayprairie.com

Call:  507-829-0181

Fay also provides workshops and trainings for businesses and schools. Check out her speaking page by Clicking Here

Some of you know that Fay lost her son to suicide in 2009.  The journey of healing has led Fay to begin presenting her story along with what she has learned as a mother/counselor/coach to help SAVE LIVES.   check out her story by clicking here