Do you have issues in your professional and/or personal relationships that are weighing you down?

Do you have conversations with people in your mind but you avoid having them in real life?

Are you waiting till you feel ‘ready’ to have the conversation?

There have been many, many times in my life when I should have had conversations and I didn’t.

I was waiting till I felt ready or I was procrastinating because I feared the uncomfortable feeling that would be involved.

• I’ve learned that waiting until you are ready is the same as expecting it not to happen.
• I’ve learned that I need to stop waiting till I feel courageous enough. (I’m still a work in progress but getting better)
• I’ve learned that the person who ‘just does it’ is the person who’s going to win.

What comes first, MOTIVATION or ACTION?

The answer is action. Then motivation follows.

You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to ‘just do it’ (Nike really did come up with a great marketing slogan)

There’s no other way.

You stop waiting for the right time.

You stop waiting till you feel ready.

You stop waiting till you know you’ll say it right.

If you keep waiting and thinking about it, you’ll increase your chances of never doing it.

What’s a conversation you need to have?

Do you keep using the excuse, -“I’m waiting for the right time”

Waiting makes it worse.

The more we wait

……..the more we think

……the more we think

……the more our brain talks us out of it!

The self-doubt, uncertainty, and worst case scenarios we play over and over in our mind keep us procrastinating and waiting.

We don’t want to:

be rejected.

feel like a fool

be uncomfortable

be criticized

to feel those raw emotions 

The list of fears that keep us waiting and procrastinating goes on and on.

We start to tell ourselves:

Maybe:

“the situation isn’t really that bad”

“the problem isn’t worth mentioning”

“it will get better on it’s own”

“talking about it will make it worse”

“I won’t be able to deal with their anger”

“it’s too sensitive and it’s too emotional to talk about”

Our mind immediately thinks of all the things that could go wrong;

• How awkward and uncomfortable it may feel instead of thinking of all the positive possibilities or outcomes.

As the saying goes, everything you want is on the other side of FEAR.

You have a choice:

Face Everything And Rise 

or

Fear Everything And Run

The TRUTH is:

• You can be afraid and have the conversation anyway.

• You can fear rejection and still go for it.

• Courage is what you need.

 

The day you start to follow your intuition and have the conversations you need to have is the day you will start to feel better about yourself.

Each time you step up and speak up, you will become more powerful.

Nobody else can have those conversations for you.

You need to be courageous, activate the power inside of you and take action.

Listen to what your heart tells you to do-don’t listen to the chatter in your head that tries to talk you out of it by telling you how many things might go wrong.

Take the risk.

Don’t talk yourself out of it before you even try.

If you want to improve relationships, you’ll have to step out

of your comfort zone and have courageous conversations. 

You might not get the response you want right away.

It can take many difficult conversations and rejections

before you get to where you want to be.  

Keep trying.

Five quotes by Thomas Edison.

• “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

• “When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this – you haven’t.”

• “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

• “Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.”

• “Negative results are just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”

The more often you push yourself to do it, the higher your chance is of success.

Remember–

If you wait,

You may never feel like it, and

There’s a good chance it will never happen.

If you allow your feelings to run the show, you’ll choose what feels easier rather than pushing yourself to have those conversation you know you need to have.

Do you feel like having that conversation, like speaking up, like sharing what’s on your mind?

The answer is often “no”

Once you hesitate because you–

Feel too:

…..tired

…..scared

…..nervous

…..unworthy

…..vulnerable

You’ll talk yourself out of it.

You can’t always control how you feel but you can CHOOSE how you act.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

Improve your relationships by having one courageous conversation at a time.

You’ll Discover—-You Can Do It.

Make sure to read my newsletter next week on specific techniques to help you have those courageous conversations!

________________________________________________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a Relationship and Mindset coach. She helps set you free from stress, anxiety, worry, negativity, DEPRESSION AND FRUSTRATION so you can start creating a Better You, a Better Life, and Better Relationships.

Check our her counseling/coaching page by clicking here

Fay also provides workshops and trainings.  Check out her speaking page by Clicking Here

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personalized Coaching can help you begin making positive changes in your life!

E-mail fay@fayprairie.com

Phone: 507-829-0181

Five Mindsets to Instantly Improve your Marriage or Significant Relationship

1. Accept that you won’t find the “Perfect Partner”

If you were to divorce your spouse, interview two hundred “replacement” candidates, put them through a battery of psychological tests, have follow-up interviews conducted by your closest friends, spend three years dating the most compatible ones, and then spent several months making sure you made the right choice, you’d still end up with a spouse who disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you, and stumbles in many ways.

Your new spouse might frustrate, upset and disappoint you in different ways, but they will frustrate and disappoint you.

That’s the reality of relationships.  Your spouse is an imperfect human being!  Just like you.

When you accept this, instead of focusing on their flaws and imperfections, you can realize that it’s normal.

Negativity in your relationship is inevitable.

2. Accept the “Reality of Marriage”

Have you ever thought or said, “I have a very difficult marriage…” “I think I married the wrong person…..” “I don’t know if I can keep putting up with this……”

The reality is that every marriage is difficult.   We’re not marrying gods and goddesses! We’re marrying totally imperfect human beings.  How can that possibly be easy?

Once I accept that marriage is difficult, I won’t be as resentful when my marriage is difficult.

Unrealistic expectations (like comparing our marriage to the one in the movies) causes disappointment. Sometimes you look at other couples and think “why can’t we be like that…..” You don’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors.

Most honest people wouldn’t say that marriage is “easy.”

Even though it can be really hard, the key is to hang in there, forgive each other, focus on solutions, improve your attitude and relationship skills, learn to persist when the going is tough.

3. Accept that you may need to “Upgrade your Thinking”

The Bible Verse from Philippians 4:8…has some really good and helpful advice.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

We all tend to dismiss our own faults while magnifying the flaws of our spouse.

We think, but you don’t understand, my spouse really is awful and wrong in the way they are.

Judging our spouses and thinking we’re “better than them” is sure to build resentment in our relationship.  Counting their failures and the errors of their way will not help draw us closer or lead to positive feelings.

Obsessing over your spouse’s weaknesses won’t make them go away. People do that for years and it doesn’t get them anywhere.

Regularly thinking negatively about your spouse’s weaknesses increases your dissatisfaction with them and your marriage; yet, it’s a natural human tendency.

Yes, those weaknesses are there. It may seem contradictory but when you focus on their qualities that you DO appreciate, you have a better chance of them improving on their weaknesses.  (it’s true!)

We all have weaknesses, we all have bad days.  We can be thoughtful, caring and attentive one day, and so aloof, harsh, and critical the next day. You have to give your spouse room to be a less-than-perfect human, to have bad days, and “off days.”

The challenge is that we are more likely to hang on to the memory of the “bad” and “off” days. Negativity is like Velcro, it sticks and Positivity is like Teflon, it slides right off.

Judgements, resentments, criticism and negativity creates the 3 D’s–distance, disconnection and damage.

We do much better when we focus on how we can improve ourselves.  After all, how can we be so judgmental of them when we have so many faults of our own? We should focus more on noticing and improving our own imperfections.

Accept that choosing to overdose on appreciation may be necessary

Find five or six things your spouse does really well—or even just one or two!—and try to overdose on focusing on your appreciation for them.

A true Story

One morning I awoke early and immediately sensed my frustration from the previous evening. We have an issue in our relationship that we had talked to death over the previous two decades. Lisa acknowledged her need to grow in this area, but events of the previous weeks had convinced me that nothing had changed.

I felt resentful, and in my resentful mood, I can slip into what I call “brain suck.” I start building my case. Like a lawyer, I recall every slight, every conversation, and prove to my imaginary jury how wrong my wife is and how right I am.

So, I tried this ‘overdosing on appreciation’ trick.

I started consistently thinking of the qualities in Lisa’s personality for which I feel very thankful. That reminded me of something else, which reminded me of something else, which reminded me of yet another quality. After about fifteen minutes, I literally started to feel completely different towards her.  I saw so much to be thankful for that it seemed preposterous that I should waste time fretting over this single issue.

I highly suggest making use of this powerful tool. We have to give it time—one session of thankfulness will not fully soften a rock-hard heart. But over time, thankfulness makes a steady and persistent friend of affection.

4. Accept that you need to take control of your mind

Your mind will want to remind you where your partner falls short, and it will try to stir up the fire of resentment and anger.  You can count on it.

You’ll find yourself growing resentful: “Why should I appreciate that my husband works hard when he comes home and won’t even talk to me at night?” “Why should I be appreciative that my wife is such a good mother when she’s so critical of me?”

When this starts to happen, start to think about your own weaknesses that you need to work on.  Respond to temptations to judge them by thinking about the areas in your own life that you need to work on.  Take the focus off of them and put the focus on how you can work on improving yourself.

5. We’re All in This Together as Imperfect Humans

Every one of us has an imperfect partner.

We confront different trials, different temptations, and different struggles—but each one of us faces the same reality: living as imperfect people, in an imperfect world, with an imperfect spouse.

Learning to love, appreciate, and to be thankful for that imperfect spouse is one of the most transforming things you can do for your relationship.

It’s not an easy journey, but it’s a PROFITABLE one long-term.

Disclaimer

I feel a need to put this disclaimer in.  I do believe there are situations that happen in marriages, like abuse and addictions where this advice may not apply.  It’s important to do what you need to do in order to stay safe too. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Fay Prairie is a counselor, personal life coach and speaker specializing in personal development, relationships and empowering mindsets. She helps set you free from stress and negativity so you can start creating a Better You…Better Relationships…Better Life…

Fay also provides workshops and trainings.  Check out her speaking page by  Clicking Here

Contact Fay to set up a FREE 30 minute call to discover how Personalized Life Coaching can help you to begin making positive changes in your life!   (e-mail fay@fayprairie.com or call 507-829-0181) 

7 Things that you can Control that will make a BIG Difference in your Life

1. What you see and believe about your world

If you believe people are good, then you will find the good in people.

If you believe it’s possible, then you will find possibilities.

If you believe you can do what you set out to do, you will see a way.

If you believe in love and compassion, you will find love and compassion

2. The mindset and meaning you choose to give to everything in life.

Positive people live happier lives than negative people

You are in control of your mindset

Shifting this can change everything

Choose to see the magic in the mess.

Choose to see the power you developed from your pain.

Choose to see the strength you gained from your struggles.

Choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

3. The amount of kindness and compassion you give to yourself and others

When you give kindness and compassion, the universe returns with interest

Giving kindness and compassion to others not only lifts them but it lifts you too.

Choose kindness over the need to be right.

If you want more love, give more love

If you want more kindness, be kinder

If you want a better friend, then be a better friend

You will attract back to you what you give out.

If you want a better co-worker, then be a better co-worker

If you want better communication, then be a better communicator

If you want to be closer to someone, then try to share more and allow yourself to be closer to them

Regardless of what others do, be kind

And watch others around you start to change

It’s easy to be kind to those who are being kind to us

But the real challenge is to be kind to those who aren’t

4. Put in the Effort to improve yourself

You must put in the work if you want the results

You are always in control of the amount and quality of work and effort you put into improving yourself

You are always in control of your own self-development and growth

You must be growing in order to expand your mind and soul

You must be growing and learning in order to improve your life

You must be growing and learning to become strong enough to handle obstacles and challenges with more ease

Commit to self-growth

Anything that makes you feel better

Anything that makes you stronger, wiser and more powerful

5. You are in charge of your level of gratitude

There’s no better way to improve your day or your life than to have gratitude for what you do have

What is great in your life right now?

What can you appreciate today?

Spend a lot of time on gratitude. All successful people have learned the importance of gratitude!

 

6. Choose to be in the present moment

Most people live almost exclusively in their head

Stuck in an endless cycle of worry and anxiety about the future

Stuck in an endless cycle of regret about the past

Stuck in an endless cycle of thoughts that don’t offer real value to their life.

Be one of the few who lives in the present moment.

Enjoy the little things.

Leave your phones and devices behind more often and enjoy who you are with and what you are doing without all those distractions.

Get out of your head—out of the past or the future and be in the NOW.

It’s the happiest place to be!

7. Choose who you surround yourself with

Are you around people who give you energy or people who drain your energy?

Choose to be around people who give you energy, who lift you up, who get you, and that allow you to be you.

When you take control and choose

these seven areas in your life,

you will make a BIG positive

difference in your life.

Is it good or is it bad?

An old Chinese farmer lost his best stallion one day and his neighbor came around to express his regrets, “that’s too bad you lost your horse.”

The farmer just said, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.”

The next day the stallion returned bringing with him 3 wild mares. The neighbor rushed back to celebrate with the farmer, “that’s so wonderful that you gained 3 new mares.”

The farmer simply said, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.”

The following day, the farmer’s son fell from one of the wild mares while trying to break her in and broke his arm and injured his leg.

The neighbor came by to give his condolences, “that’s too bad your son fell and hurt himself,”

The old farmer just said, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.”

The next day the army came to the farm to enlist the farmer’s son for the war, but found him invalid and left him with his father.

The neighbor thought to himself, “Who knows what is good and what is bad.” – 

Taoist parable

We use good-or-bad to categorize nearly everything in our lives — events, people, food, decisions and it’s a trap that causes us emotional pain.

The lesson of the story is that it’s just a matter of time until good things are born out of the seemingly bad, and vice versa.

What is bad leads to good leads to bad leads to good. The farmer is wise enough to know it all comes out in the wash.

How can we use this story to help us handle life’s challenging situations?

When you experience a “bad” event, try to imagine what possible good could come out of it, even if it’s many years from now or even if it just makes you more empathetic or prepared next time.

Not convinced? Look back on something bad from your past and connect the dots between that event and real happiness or something good that came later as a direct result of that breakup, layoff, sickness etc.

We often fail to see what long-term effect can be born out of what is happening now.

Once you can get into the habit of trying to find the good inside of the bad, you will start to temper your reactions to the peaks and valleys in your life.

With so much unpredictability and chaos in our uncertain world, I’ve learned that sometimes it doesn’t really help the situation to label it as “good” or “bad”.  But rather, we need to say “it is what it is.”  All the overanalysis, overthinking and overlabeling doesn’t really accomplish anything worthwhile.

In fact, often times it makes us feel worse.  We get stressed out, anxious and overwhelmed when things are different  (BAD) from the way we believe they ought to be (GOOD).

Then we feel hurt, disappointed, upset, resentful, etc.

In order to better deal with life, we need to accept that life is supposed to be unpredictable, good, bad, ugly, and great all rolled up together.