How do you deal with conflict in relationships? Are you a “dukes” up or a “duck” out?

Do you put your “dukes” up (extrovert) ready to fight or do you head for the door to “duck” out (introvert)?

Do you rise to the occasion, adrenaline pumping (extrovert) or feel like crawling under a table or anything to disappear (introvert)?

Neither one is ideal.

Take this free online assessment to find out your personality style and how it affects your relationships.

http://www.my-personality-test.com/personality-type/

How you handle conflict in your relationship is a good predictor of how successful your relationships will be. (personal or professional)

Conflict in any relationship is inevitable. It’s not fun and nobody looks forward to it, but chances are pretty good that if there’s never any conflict in your relationship, it’s because one or both of you are avoiding it.

Relationships can collapse under the weight of “unspoken” conflict.

It’s like shoving your garbage in the basement and thinking you’ll take it out later.  Then doing the same thing again and again.  Soon the whole house starts to smell.  The same thing happens in your relationships.  If you don’t take care of the issues, the whole relationship starts to “smell.”

Introverts and extroverts approach conflict so differently,  What do you do when one of you is an “I don’t want to talk about it” (introvert) and the other is a “Let’s get it all out there” (extrovert)?

The extrovert sees an issue in the relationship and jumps into lots of words and emotions.  The introvert is like a deer in the headlights and either agrees just to make it all go away; or shuts down becoming completely silent and bottling it all up, (having angry, muttered conversations inside of their own head instead of with the other person. (I always tell people, when you’re having more conversations inside your own head instead of with the other person, it’s time to start making yourself start talking to them)

The extrovert may not even realize the seeds of resentment he just planted.  He may take the silence as a victory.

The introvert may only be able to keep it bottled up for so long before they “EXPLODE” at some point. 

The “goal” is to bring things up without hesitation.  Healthy, honest and open discussion of conflicts will produce the most successful and peaceful relationships.  The more you bring up and work through conflicts, the easier it will become, and the better your relationships will be.

Introverts need to realize that they have a tendency to shut down and put a lock on their mouth when they are upset and to realize that it isn’t helpful long term to relationships.

Extroverts need to realize that their choice or words, too many words, and being too emotionally charged isn’t helpful long term to their relationships.

Both may need time to “calm down” and get their head “sorted out” before pursuing the discussion. It needs to be a priority to face the conflict and have the discussion despite the uncomfortableness.

Learning how to handle conflicts productively leads to connection and success in relationships, while avoiding conflicts leads to disconnection and failure in relationships.   

If you are an introvert, it’s your job to explain that you need a “time out” so you can process things and then it’s your job to speak up when you’re ready to talk.

Bringing things up can be tough because it’s easier to just throw the garbage in the basement thinking you’ll deal with it later.  The “smell” will become unbearable and its way easier to carry it out one bag at a time than to have to deal with several “stinky” bags all at once.

If you’re an extrovert, you need to realize that you may come across as too “mean, angry and noisy” so you may also need to make yourself take some time to process before you dump all of your feelings off on someone else.

Learning to have a respectful, calm conversation during conflicts is a skill that can be improved and strengthened.

Having an awareness of your different personality styles (introvert or extrovert) will help you improve the way you handle conflict.  Not only will it give you self-awareness but it will also help you have more empathy and compassion with others.

Take this free personality assessment online to find out what your personality type is and how you can use it to gain self-awareness to help your relationships.

http://www.my-personality-test.com/personality-type/

What is confirmation bias?

It’s seeing what you expect to see!

Rather than looking objectively at the big picture, you tend to just look for things that support what you believe to be true versus possibly seeing and finding information that conflicts with what you believe to be true.

Let’s look at how this can affect your relationships!

Dan is always “crabby” and “negative”……

You are always looking for times when Dan is crabby or negative to confirm your biased opinion that he is crabby and negative.

You ignore the times he is happy and positive because that would conflict with what you believe.

Sally never picks up after herself.

You always look for the times Sally leaves things lay around and confirm to yourself–“there she goes again.”

You completely miss the times Sally puts things away as that would conflict with your existing belief.

Joe never shares his thoughts and feelings.

You continually focus on the times he does this–“there he goes again” and skim right over the times he does open up, communicate and share his feelings.

Patty never completes things on time.

Again, we look for those instances that confirm our bias and we can completely miss all the things Patti does accomplish.

We look for proof that our opinions are true and we actvely ignore or discredit information that contradicts our beliefs.

We see what we want to see.

What does confirmation bias have to do with relationships?

Everything!

What stories are you telling yourself about the people you are in a relationship with?

You may not even be aware of the fact that you continually seek out information that confirms your story and you ignore information that doesn’t align with it.

You may believe that you have a wonderful, happy relationship and you are always looking for situations that prove this to be true.

BUT

Confirmation bias often works the other way.

If you’ve concluded that the other person is awful, you will begin to mount the evidence to prove your belief is true, and you’ll completely ignore all the contradictory evidence.

If you believe you don’t love your partner anymore, you will continually look for evidence that proves and supports your belief.

One episode builds on the other and over days and months you’ve totally convinced yourself that it’s true.  You may have ignored all the instances that would have proved otherwise and now you have yourself totally believing something because of “confirmation bias.”

We See What We Believe

How Can We Stop Confirmation Bias from Hurting Our Relationships?

1. Be OPEN to a new perspective.  Observe people in interactions or circumstances and try to see them with fresh eyes.

2. Strive to ADMIT and RECOGNIZE that you have confirmation bias in your relationships and you will be more likely to recognize its influence.

3. Look for and ACTIVELY SEEK out information and situations that contradict your bias.

If you feel like someone is always negative, actively see out and look for times that they are positive.

If you feel like someone is inconsiderate, actively seek out and look for the times they are considerate.

When you change what you look for, you will change what you find.