Monthly Archives: November 2010

Cyberbullying: Creating empathy and compassion through stories!

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Following my presentation yesterday, I visited with about twenty high school students, asking them what really stood out to them in the presentation.  Almost every student remembered information that was part of a story. We really do learn best from the experiences of others and their stories; it helps us make sense of the information. Stories are effective in influencing the way we think and feel; they touch us on a level where it matters–imagination.

Imagination leads to “emotion“ and that’s where the power really is-that’s what drives us to change our behavior.  Stories have the ability to help us consider the other person’s position, to develop empathy or the ability to understand the way another may  be feeling.  When we can develop empathy, we can begin to care about what happens to someone else.

Empathy can be used as an antidote against cyberbullying; assisting others in thinking twice before acting.  The ability to care for others is critically important in our efforts to curtail cyberbullying and create a kinder world.

Empathy leads to compassion, which is more than a feeling; compassion includes an entirely different way of acting and behaving.  When we have true compassion for others, we have a desire to alleviate or reduce their suffering; to show special kindness to them.

We need to cultivate empathy and compassion to truly have the schools we want.  The Golden Rule is based on the concept of compassion.  Real-life stories nurture the seeds of compassion, empathy, knowledge, and awareness; which in turn can reduce the incidences of cyberbullying.

Over 58% of kids involved in cyberbullying don’t confide in an adult!

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Why? 

1. Fear it may become worse:

Kids believe the situation will be worse for them once the bully finds out that they involved an adult.  It’s an unwritten rule that you just know you’re not suppose to tell an adult about the situation.  You’ll be teased worse for having to run to someone else for help.   Kids need to know that there are times when adults can be helpful in providing a new perspective to the problem or in providing the support they need to respond to the situation in an effective manner.  Young people need to be taught that they are not expected to handle problems on their own; that adults will be there to support and help them.
2. Fear adults will take technology away:

Kids feel like adults will think the cyberbullying is their fault and therefore punish them by taking their technology privileges away. They may want to avoid a lecture on how they should have behaved differently and the situation could have been avoided.  So, they keep quiet about what has happened.  It’s important we don’t punish them by taking technology away and we need to understand that staying connected through technology is part of their social life line. There are dangers in every part of our society; we need to educate them about the dangers and teach them the appropriate steps to safely navigate in the online environment.  We also need to remind ourselves that if they are a target or victim in this situation, they should not feel like they are being punished.
3. Feel guilty about their own behavior

One girl sent a picture of her naked butt to a boyfriend and when the picture was circulated around school, she felt guilty and embarassed. Knowing she was wrong in sending the picture, she buried her shame and humilitation, which increased her feelings of depression and lowered self-worth.  Even though an adult may have helped to stop the circulation of the photo, she didn’t want them to know what she had done, so she remained quiet.
4. Too embarrassed to talk about it

Sometimes, it’s just too embarrasing to even repeat what has been said.  Kids feel humiliated and ashamed, doubting their own worth because they feel that what other people are saying about them is true.  Looking back on her cyberbullying situation, one girl stated, “I felt closed up inside and I didn’t really know how to explain what was happening inside of me.  I felt like I was just making a big deal of nothing and it would pass”.

5. Grown ups wouldn’t understand


Sometimes, kids think that adults will dismiss what has happened or they will give the typical speech,  “it’s only words-just ignore them”.  They feel their feelings will be dismissed as being “silly” or “too sensitive”.

6.  Feel they deserve it

Some kids may feel that they deserve it because of their personal flaws.  “If I wasn’t so fat, dumb, lazy, ugly, unpopular………. , I wouldn’t be treated this way”. They need to know that they don’t deserve it and it’s not their fault.

There are online situations where kids are being seriously harmed by others and since there often aren’t adults involved in online activities, it’s important for kids to tell adults.  To increase the potential of kids reporting cyberbullying incidences, it is necessary to educate adults and students about cyberbullying issues so they can respond effectively.